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Ornamental Candle

by Haraya



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37 Reviews


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Reviews: 37

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Mon Jun 29, 2020 11:50 am
Haraya says...



Note: I edited the papaya simile and made it into a metaphor. I also added "Orange" because I think it will make things clearer.




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291 Reviews


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Mon Jun 29, 2020 9:41 am
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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hey @Haraya I'm here to do a quick review on your great poem so lets jump right into it.
first of I loved reading it, I can just imagine all of it, I got the picture in my head, it started to make me feel hot inside as I read. I loved your description as well, I also agree with what @tgirly said about the way you've set up the line breaks and the stanzas and all of that stuff. also about the word papaya, I just don't really think this fits well with the lines, for that part I just feel like it threw me of a little bit. But other then that it was just great I loved every single bit of it. Your writing is great, and I really hope to here more poems and things from you. To be truthful with you there was nothing that really stuck out to me that was not really done very well, really it was that good.

*Follows* Hi your stuck with me now! Lol.

This is all that I can say about your poem, its a really good poem I loved reading it. :D

I hope you have a great Day\Night

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews




Haraya says...


Thank you for the review! About the papaya simile, I was really arguing with myself if it should be a simile or a metaphor. Now that you and @tgirly have pointed it out, I think it really would've worked better as a metaphor. Thanks again!



Dossereana says...


Your welcome glade that I could help. :D



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373 Reviews


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Mon Jun 29, 2020 6:00 am
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tgirly wrote a review...



LOVE this poem. There's a simplicity and humbleness to the fact that the subject matter is this inanimate object-- an unlit candle-- that you then elevate by being super intentional and poetic with your word choice and finesse. All of the alliterations are spot on, the light-handed alliteration of the "forever forbidden fruit" and the way it hits different at the end of the first stanza vs. the end of the last stanza is all just very deftly and expertly handled.

The one point that I think might need a bit more development is the papaya simile in the first stanza. Since it's the beginning of the poem it's not set up for us yet the style/use of metaphor of the poem that's coming, and it's not immediately clear to me as a reader how a ripe papaya is like a wicked wax candle. Maybe an extra descriptor to explain how it's like a papaya would solve the problem? Like "pitted like a papaya" ? I'm not sure on the specifics. Just something to think about.

Also, the way you've set up the line breaks and the stanzas and all of that is wonderful and lovely. Overall, an excellent poem!

Hope this review was useful; keep up the great work!

-tgirly




Haraya says...


Thank you so much for the review!




Surround yourself with people who are serious about being writers, and who will tell you, ‘Hey—you can do better than this.’ Who will be critical of your work, but also supportive. And who will not be competitive in a negative way.
— Isabel Quintero