The year was 2109. Louis Chandler stared at his bedroom ceiling. Today was a very important and terrifying day. Today was his fifteenth birthday.But he wasn't excited about it… Today was also the day that he would discover his power… If everything turned out okay. If he succeeded. That's what terrified him. What if his powers weren't there? What if he couldn't do it? He turned to lay on his side and stared at his wall. He didn't want to think about that…
He looked over at his clock. It blinked 7:31 at him in bright green lights. It was an hour before he had to go meet with Mrs. Ferguson to show her what he could do… If he could do anything. This was his one chance to do it, so he could stay with his family. He sighed and closed his eyes, wanting to not worry about it…
He was brought out of his thoughts by a small shock to his feet.He jerked his feet under the covers. “Morning twerp! Today's Exile day!” The voice of his brother came from the direction of his doorway.”
He opened his eyes and turned to give his brother an annoyed look. “You do not know that, Andrew.” He threw his pillow at his brother.
Andrew caught it with a smirk. “Well just in case, you should pack up your things. Y'know, so you don't have to do it later.”
Louis sat up and picked up another pillow to throw at him, when his brother was jerked out of the doorway and he heard his sister, Jasmine, screaming at his brother. “Andrew Samuel Chandler! What are you doing? Do you want to give him heart attack? I swear I will throw you half-way across the city again if I have to.”
Louis heard Andrew mumble a response and Jasmine growl. After a few minutes of what sounded like a running and shouting, Jasmine came into his room. Louis smiled at her. “Hey sis.”
“Hey big bro.” She came to sit on the bed next to him. “How ya feelin'?”
He put on his most convincing smile. “Oh I am feeling great. No pressure at all.”
Jasmine lightly punched him on the shoulder, making him wince. “Liar.” She grinned a little and hugged him. “Lighten up bro. Today's a big day for you.”
Louis sighed. “Don't remind me, Jas.”
She pushed him off the bed. “I was talking about your birthday stupid!” She giggled and helped him off of the floor. “Your test is just a test. Your birthday only comes once.”
“Every year.” He smiled and let her help him up.
She laughed and pulled a small wrapped box out of her back pocket and handed it to him. “Happy Birthday Louis.”
He looked down at the box and then up at his sister. “Awww Jas. Thank you.” He tore the wrapping off and opened the box. He gasped and took out a small flat blue square with a picture of an apple on the back. “Wow!”
Jasmine grinned, “I know. It's called an iPod, according to the records. No ones used one of these since way before World War Three!”
Louis looked up at his sister. “You mean… Early 21st century stuff? Oh my goodness! Thank you Jasmine!” He gave his sister a big hug.
She hugged back with a smile on her face. “I knew you'd love it!”
Louis looked down at it. “This is a relic! How in the world did you get that?”
“I found it in a bag when I was with my class on our trip outside the walls. It had the charger, and earbuds. I tried it out and it has dozens of songs… Some of them were weird though. They said the word butt a lot.”
Louis laughed, “Oh. That was around the 2010's then. Americans then were weird. Not all of them though.”
“That was when your grandpa was a boy.” They looked up to see their parents in the doorway. “He sure had some stories.” His mom chuckled in an attempt to keep her son happy.
Louis sighed, “I guess it's time for me to get ready, isn't it?” He put the iPod back in it's box.
His dad nodded. “You should get dressed. We have to go in twenty minutes.”
Louis sighed and gave his sister another hug. “Thanks for the present, Jas.” Jasmine hugged back and went to her own room.
His mom elbowed her husband. “Samuel!”
Samuel Chandler crossed his arms. “Sorry, Susan… It's a very important day. His whole future depends on today.”
Susan Chandler also crossed her arms. “You think he doesn't know that? If anyone should be the most worried, it's him. Are you afraid that he’ll reflect badly on you, Mr. Secretary?”
Samuel put his hands to his head. “He's my son, Susan! You think I want to see him leave at fifteen years old?”
Louis put his hands on his ears. “Please! Stop fighting! This isn't making me feel any better about this...” He fell on his bed and awkwardly face-planted into his pillow.
His dad came and sat on the bed behind him. “I'm sorry Louis. I wasn't thinking about how you were feeling… Will you forgive me son?”
Louis nodded as his mom sat next to him and ruffled Louis' hair. “Louis. Don't worry son. It's super rare that one's powers don't show up by now. And the doctor will be there to help.”
Louis sat up and smiled a little. “Thanks… I feel a little better now.” He lied. He was still terrified. Just because something was rare, didn't mean it wasn't possible.
His dad smiled and clapped him on the back. “Okay. But seriously. You need to get dressed. We now have thirteen minutes. He led his wife out of the room to give Louis time to change.
Louis breathed in and then let it go. He needed to get ready. His parents were probably right. He shouldn't worry about it. It was his fifteenth birthday! Maybe he had developed it over night. He stood up and went to go take a shower.
-------------------------------------------
Twenty minutes later, Louis sat in the waiting room with his mother. His dad had an important meeting scheduled and Jasmine had stayed home to make Louis his birthday lunch. “For when you get your powers.” She had said.
The room was empty, besides one other boy and his father. The boy looked how he had been feeling. He looked terrified. He turned to his mom. “I guess there aren't many kids my age with birthdays today.”
His mom whispered back. “Febuary 29th isn't a very common birthday.” She was right. Febuary 29th was not a common birthday, which seemed a little weird to Louis. Especially since they had permanently done away with the leapyear. It didn't come only once every four years anymore. So why were there still so few births on that day?
A nurse opened the door to the waiting room. “Joey Daniels?”
The other boy looked up. “Y-Yes sir?”
The nurse smiled a comforting smile at Joey. “The doctor and Mrs. Ferguson are ready for you in the back.”
Joey looked down and closed his eyes tight. “I'm gonna fail. I'm gonna fail...”
Louis smiled at Joey. “Hey. You'll do great.”
Joey looked up and gave Louis a nervous smile. “That's nice of you to say… But you don't know that.”
“You don't know either. Just be positive. Your emotions can really influence your outcome.”
Joey smiled and stood up. “Th-Thank you.” He walked to the door and followed the nurse and his dad into the doorway and closed the door behind him.
Louis smiled. Joey seemed like a nice guy. He hoped that when he was done with this, that they could meet up and hang out.
Twenty-five minutes passed and Joey came back out looking really excited. “You were right! Oh my goodness! I have powers!” He gave Louis a hug. “Thank you! Thank you so much… What's your name?”
“I'm Louis. Louis Chandler.” The hug took him by surprise. He didn't really give many hugs, so he really didn't know what to do.
Joey blushed and pulled away, “Sorry... I forget personal space boundaries when I am excited.”'
Louis chuckled nervously. “It's okay.” Then he changed the subject. “So what power do you have?”
Joey extended his hand and suddenly a small flame rose from his palm. "I can control fire."
Louis grinned, "Wow! That's cool!"
His mom nudged him and chuckled, "Dontcha mean hot?" Louis gave his mom a look. "You know... Fire? Hot?" He facepalmed. "What?! That was funny Louis."
"Mom..."
Joey chuckled. "That was a good one."
Louis was about to respond, when he heard someone clear their throat. He turned to see the nurse waiting for him at the door. He turned to Joey. "I'll see you later, I guess."
Joey smiled, "Good luck, Louis..."
Louis turned to the nurse, and went through the open door.
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138,161 Literary Works • 672,076 Reviews
Hey there Cheeta! I currently do not have access to a computer and I hate reviewing on my phone, so I'm just going to suggest a few things.
First off, @Nikayla killed it. I agree with everything she said so really pay attention to her comments. The ellipses were really overused, there really was a huge info dump at the beginning, etc.
The beginning felt really forced? You kind of shoved all these characters into this beginning scene, which can be confusing for a reader trying to keep up. They also felt very bland and stereotypical - you have the supportive mom and really supportive sister, the bully older brother and the dad that puts pressure on main character. I might go through your supporting characters and try to make them a tad more unique? And also cut some of them out of the beginning scene. I'd suggest starting your book in the middle of an action. A piece of writing advice I've seen in a couple places is to never begin your novel or story with the main character waking up, as it bores the reader and really doesn't get them interested in the story.
The one thing that bugged me the most about this chapter was how choppy and fairly repetitive your sentences were? I might've just gotten used to the choppiness by the end, but I was really feeling it at the beginning. You could combine so many of your sentences, and it would all be so much smoother and easier to read. Also, then you wouldn't have so many "He"s, which were also bugging me in their repetition.
One more thing. In the second scene this kid Joey shows up, and he's really nervous and stutters (NEVER USE STUTTERING look up other nervous tics, only use stuttering if the character has a condition that makes them stutter, or if they're freezing or something) and Louis is suddenly full of confidence and great advice and it all feels extremely forced and unnatural. He meets this kid and immediately wants to hang out? I don't think that's all that realistic. Then this stranger Joey comes out and Louis has helped him and they hug (I don't know about you but I don't go hugging people I met just a few minutes before). Your characters are just fairly underdeveloped and stereotypical and you can really tell in this first chapter.
So, take Nikayla's advice. Try reading the chapter out loud to help you find the choppy sentences and fix them. And really work on your characters and their relationships, their mannerisms, try to make them feel real. At the moment they come off as really bland, but if you work on them, I think you can make them far more engaging to the reader and therefore more helpful to the plot.
Okay that was supposed to be short. I apologize for typos and things I hate typing on my phone. I'm excited to continue reading your story! The premise is looking quite interesting.
racket
Nikayla here dropping in for a review on Review Day!
Mmm, grammar errors are afoot. I'm not going to be pointing them all out or pointing them out unless they're recurring, but I'm going to suggest using a grammar checker and learning how to proofread to fix this problem. Not only that, there's an excessive use of ellipses just in this first chapter. Ellipses are supposed to be used once or twice in a chapter, not every couple of sentences or every few paragraph. Doesn't feel right. The start to this novel is weak and generic. I didn't find anything that hooked me into the story or captivated me. We're introduced to the main character with an info-dump.
Just in the first paragraph we get all this information--the year, his full name, the important day that he'd discover his power and bonus points if he's different from everyone else or owns a unique power. Future dystopian world? Also bonus points if that's the case. This is all while he wakes up in the morning, which is the most overdone opening in existence when it comes to these types of novels. All of this is explained, but I'm not sure what Exile day is other than the day that the main character gets his powers. Do the people without powers get exiled? That's what I'm going to assume.
That's actually not a bad idea for a young adult dystopian novel. If so, good on you! We'll see. World War Three? IPod? Now I'm a bit more interested now that IPods are considered ancient (even though I don't care for the product and don't own one myself) this just shows more subtly (I guess it can be called that, it's not blatant or in your face) an aspect about the world. A lot of the paragraphs here start with 'Louis' and this goes on for nearly four times in a row, which gets annoying.
The line of dialogue 'I have powers!' interested me. I admit that this might not be as cliche as I once thought, though we'll have to see in the later chapters as to how this plays out. I'm assuming not all people have powers and those who don't are exiled. When did powers originate? Why? Before or after the third war? Is this an alternate universe where powers exist? Those are all questions I have that I hope are answered in the future. Hopefully this doesn't all under too many tropes
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Hello, Dino here for a review! Thank you for tagging me. ^^
Your beginning for this chapter, while it does give off some good info about the main concept of this novel, it seems a bit vague. Like, you kind of give off the whole of what this novel is about. What I suggest for starting off a novel is have something happening; like give the reader some suspense, introduce a new character, or give some background as to what their main plan is. This site might be able to help create a hooking beginning sentence. Another thing I'd like to mention is be wary of using the ellipse. When you use ellipses, it is mainly for cutting out words or to make something seem shorter. In your case, you almost use them as a pause, which I think you should just use a period because that stops or pauses the thought you are having. Going back to your beginning, be careful not to include so many what ifs. It might be best to just have one what if that combines all of them, kind of like a listing of what ifs, instead of repeating it over again.
Now onto the next paragraph of this chapter. It seems like we are going into present time where we meet Louis. That being said, perhaps the previous part was just an inner voice; what I suggest you do for inner voices would give them italics so it is better differentiation between what is happening and what has happened. How he is feeling towards if he might lose shows that Louis is worried about what could happen and as a suggestion, perhaps give some pros and cons as to what could happen.
Make sure you put a space after the first sentence. Also, since we don't know who Louis is (besides from the beginning of this chapter), it could be helpful if you put his name instead of just saying he all the time. It'll help with some recognition for later chapters. Also, didn't it mention that he wouldn't need to go to Mrs. Ferguson for another hour then all of sudden his brother shows up? Unless he was thinking for an hour, I don't think that should happen so suddenly. Consistency is something you should keep in mind when writing and often times, it can be harder to remember certain things that have happened.
I think you meant 'and' instead of 'an'.
I think a better wording would be: Louis then threw his pillow at his older bother. It sounds a smoother and makes some sense.
This sentence could be broken up into two sentences because they both have a subject and a verb and an action. You don't want to have an run on because it could make the story seem like it is jumbled together.
A comma after 'oh'. Also, what does Louis look like? I think you mention what he looks like, the reader can get a clear image of him (because you never know; what you are thinking inside your head could be different inside of someone else's head).
I like this bit mainly because it is sadly true.
A quotation mark at the end. There are simple errors in here that could be found and I suggest rereading your work so you can find little mistakes like that or even correct something you feel that could be corrected.
The conversations between Joey and Louis seems a bit... awkward. Like, okay, sure it is nice to know that Joey has some magic powers but it would be nice to know what each boy sounds like. It'll help in the future for some readers who like to read and have the voice inside their head.
Overall, this was a nice chapter. The ending gives off that type of feeling of whether or not Louis is going to make it through the exam or not. If you write any more chapters, tag me! Also, if you have any questions, let me know.
Dino
Yo dog.
There were a lot of ellipses in here, mostly in the beginning. While ellipses can add suspense when they're used in bulk they kind of lose their shine.
(I don't how to do the cool quote thing so) "I swear I will throw you half-way across the city again if I have to.” Foreshadowing is always good, I like that.
And more foreshadowing with the iPod that this isn't the best timeline and wombo combos as showing not telling us that it's not a happy land of rainbows in this future.
[Louis put his hands on his ears. “Please! Stop fighting! This isn't making me feel any better about this...” He fell on his bed and awkwardly face-planted into his pillow.
His dad came and sat on the bed behind him. “I'm sorry Louis. I wasn't thinking about how you were feeling… Will you forgive me son?”
Louis nodded as his mom sat next to him and ruffled Louis' hair. “Louis. Don't worry son. It's super rare that one's powers don't show up by now. And the doctor will be there to help.”] This dialogue just seemed unnatural, "forced" I guess would be a good word. I'm not sure how you would fix it, but it can be improved.
[“Okay. But seriously. You need to get dressed. We now have thirteen minutes"] I'm not sure that dialogue took seven minutes.
And the end with Louis encouraging that kid is more good foreshadowing.
Overall, not bad, not bad at all! I'll be reading it as it comes out (hopefully). Sorry if this review wasn't that great, I'm new at reviewing novels!
Its okay!
If you want to read the prologue, here is the link! Late Bloom- Prologue
Its okay!
If you want to read the prologue, here is the link! Late Bloom- Prologue