Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
"Close the doors” Jarrod yelled as his mind-controled friends ran towards them. The door was quickly shut and sealed, and the mutants and humans on the other side of the door started pounding on it. “You know this door won’t hold them” Hunter said as he turned to Jackson. “Maxton’s controlling them, and even though he’s a complete lunatic, he never quits anything. He won’t stop till we are all dead.” Then a dark, eerie, evil voice came from behind the door. “Yes” The voice of Maxton hissed. “And when you are all dead, I will free your friends long enough to see what they have done… And then I’ll kill them too.” The voice laughed as a loud bang filled the room and a dent appeared on the door that was keeping the possessed on the other side from killing them. Caddie started pushing everyone out of the room “Go go go go go go!!! We have to get out of here!!!” Harmony grabbed Kyla’s hand and started to rush her towards the door. “Wait!” the younger girl screamed. “Marquez!” Harmony whirled around. The mutant leopard stood his ground in front of the door as another dent appeared and the metal door shuddered. He turned to face the girls with a sad smile on his face. “Go. I’ll hold them off” “NO!!!” Kyla shrieked, grabbing his arm and trying to pull him towards safety. “Please come with us. We can make a plan, fight them together” she pleaded tears pouring down his cheeks. Marquez turned to fully face her and she saw he was crying too. He pulled her into a hug “Kyla, I am so sorry. I have to do this, to keep you safe, to keep the team safe.” He sobbed “You were one of the most influential people in my life. Like a sister.” He pulled out of the embrace and kissed her forehead. “Love you sis.” He said, turning back to the door as another dent appeared and the door shuddered. “Go. Please…” He pleaded with Kyla. Kyla took Harmony’s hand and rushed towards the door that led out. When they got to the door Kyla turned for one last look at the guy who had been like a brother to her. He smiled, and quickly motioned for her to go. She waved one last good-bye and let Harmony rush her down the hallway. Marquez turned back towards the door, baring his claws and teeth and his hands caught on fire as the door exploded off its hinges. When the smoke cleared, a possessed Jackson stepped through the hole that used to be a doorway. “Foolish boy, you should have run away when you had the chance. Now you will die here.” Maxton’s voice roared. Marquez’s eyes blazed with hatred at the possessed mutants and humans. “You won’t hurt them. I won’t let you. You will not hurt my friends.” Maxton’s voice laughed wickedly as his pawns advanced on Marquez. Kyla and Harmony, and the rest of them had finally made their way to the main lounge area of the HQ. Suddenly, Marquez’s screams of pain resounded throughout the complex. Kyla screamed “MARQUEZ!” trying to break away from Harmony and get to her friend. Harmony tried to get her to come along, but Kyla had her mind set to getting to Marquez. “Mack” she said turning to the mutant panther. “I can’t get her to come along.” Mack walked over to Kyla, picked her up, and threw her over his shoulder and carried her as they ran to Blaze’s truck. She kicked and screamed for Marquez as they all got into the truck and Blaze revved the engine and they sped away. Kyla was a wreck. She was crying into Mack’s shoulder. Jarrod wiped a tear from his eyes as he watched Kyla cry. Hunter crossed his wings and turned his mind to their next move. He knew that the death of Marquez hit them hard, but he knew that there would be so much more to come.
Hmm....well this is quite a story...looks like we've got ourselves a bit of a hero sacrificing themselves for another person sort of move here and well those are always quite interesting to read, especially trying to see the circumstances of said sacrifice. Okay...now, one issue with this sort of thing is, we don't quite know what the context for this sacrifice is. Yes, it seems like this is indeed the good guy and someone that means a lot to the characters here, but we know nothing here and we don't quite care about them....so...its a little tough to see exactly what effect it has, but perhaps this is actually a middle chapter or something and I just don't know so...feel free to ignore that in that case.
Anyway, that aside, the emotions that you capture through this story are certainly really well done. You can feel how this one resigns themselves to their fate, how the others react to having to witness this choice, and just generally how much this death effects everyone else in the story. You can also what kind of a person that they're all running from there, and how that one seems quite hell bent on killing the lot of them for some reason. The little bits of detail that slip through regarding possesed friends also do lend another level cruelty to the antagonist here and you've done an excellent job incorporating those things while still keeping the flow going.
The one major issue that is a bit of an elephant in the room with this chapter is the lack of paragraphing here, this whole thing is spread out across just one massive paragraph and that makes it a little tough to read. The flow is surprisingly still intact despite the single paragraph, but a bit of paragraphing would make this a lot cleaner and just generally easier to read.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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