Chapter 1: The quiet before the storm
“Karoline trudged through the mud, trying to escape the man who was following her. She had finally realized that her idea to follow, was not the best. She took her phone out, trying to find a way to call the police… but her phone had no bars. She could hear the cracking of twigs behind her. She had to get the evidence to them, but first she had to get out of there alive. Unfortunately she tripped over an unexpected twig and fell. She turned around and looked up as the guy chasing her broke through… “I am not going to let you get away with this…””
Jackson Pacer sighed and tapped his fingers on his laptop. What happened next? What should happen next? Should Karoline try and stall the guy, maybe get the guy to confess? He sighed and sipped his coffee. 5:30 in the morning was usually the time where all of the ideas in his head flowed, but for some reason this morning wasn’t working for him.
He couldn’t put his finger on what was wrong. After all, he had written and published two books in the past three years. But for some reason, he couldn’t finish one lousy paragraph. He thought and thought, but he couldn’t figure it out.
He sighed. It was probably the fact that school was starting again, and this was his senior year and he wasn’t looking forward to it. Seriously, Jackson could not think of ONE person who actually enjoyed school… And then his phone buzzed and he remembered that he did know someone who actually enjoyed school.
“Michael Nash.” He said smirking a little. “What’s going on?”
Mikey groaned on the other end of the line. “You literally only answer the phone like that because you know I hate it.”
“You know it, buddy.” Jackson smiled. “Guessing you’re already ready for school?”
Mikey stayed quiet for a second or two. “Yeah… How’d you know? You ain’t looking through my window are you?”
Jackson laughed, “I am not a stalker. I just know you! You love school. I don’t need to be Sherlock to figure that out. Plus… You are up at 5:30 in the morning.”
Mikey chuckled, “Oh really Sherlock? Well then, I bet you’re in front of your computer working on book three in your pajamas and drinking coffee.”
Jackson chuckled, “Maybe I should write a book about your detective skills.”
Mikey laughed, “Please don’t. I hate the thought of being shot at. Besides in both of the books you’ve written your main character, Karoline, has almost met her demise more times than I can count.”
Jackson chuckled, “Aw, come on. It would be boring if no one almost died trying to solve a murder.”
Mikey sighed, “You say that, but you’ve never actually had to solve one.”
Jackson smirked a little, “Who says I couldn’t?”
Mikey was silent again. “Dude, you are nuts.”
Jackson sighed. “I really hope you didn’t take that literally. Murderers can be dangerous to chase down, Mikey. I am not going to risk my safety to try and play the detective.”
Mikey laughed, “You say that now…”
Jackson rolled his eyes. Mikey was obviously trying to mess with his mind. “Mikey… Seriously. I better not find any dead bodies in the near future.”
Mikey laughed, “Chill, Jackson. No one is going to die. Promise.”
Jackson let out a breath of relief. “Okay… Good. I don’t know if I’d even have the stomach for that kind of thing. I just write it.” Jackson’s mind immediately went to the book signing he had later that day during school. “Oh, yeah. Mikey, before I forget to ask. You are coming to my book-signing for book number two right? The one in the school library?”
“Of course!” Mikey’s pitch rose. “I am totally going to be first in line.”
Jackson chuckled, “Yeah, sure. Bet you my number one fan will be there when I get there.” He chuckled a little just thinking about her. Jaime Wright was her name. When Jackson’s first book got big, she started following him around, bringing him stuff. It was nice… but it was creepy at the exact same time because she knew exactly what he liked… and exactly where he would be.
Mikey coughed twice and cleared his throat. “Jaime? Oh come on man. She’s just a fan of the book. She is harmless. Besides, free food.”
Jackson sighed, “Kinda creepy if you ask me.” He chuckled, “Yeah… I do enjoy free food.”
Mikey chuckled, “Yeah.” Mikey sighed and coughed again. “Well, I am going to let you get ready for school.”
Jackson chuckled, “More like stare at my computer screen for another thirty minutes and down another cup of coffee.”
“Aw come on Jackson. Where’s you school spirit?”
Jackson groaned, “I lost it when the education system took my soul.”
Mikey laughed, Jackson knew it was at him and his buddy was not going to let him forget about it. “Oh that’s rich. You should copyright that line, smack it on a t-shirt!”
Jackson rolled his eyes and hung up the phone. He had always wondered how he and Mikey became best friends, though the fact that they were neighbors really did help them develop a strong friendship. Plus they had mutual dislike for things like Presidential Candidates, pears, and Mikey’s younger stepsister Shelby Keener.
The first two were obvious as to why they didn’t like them, but their dislike for
Shelby would make some people think they were crazy. But that was because they didn’t know the real Shelby Keener. Only a handful of people ever saw the real Shelby. The Shelby Keener that everyone else saw, was a popular talented girl, who was the city of Halston’s sweetheart. She was even elected Miss Halston twice.
But that wasn’t the real Shelby Keener. Only a few people knew the real Shelby. It was a small group which consisted of her two assistant Lead Cheerleaders (as she called them), her boyfriend (who happens to also be her best friends boyfriend if that says anything about her character), and several smarter people in the school. Shelby was ruthless for bully people like Jackson when no one was looking. And from what he had heard from scattered cheerleader chatter, Jackson knew that Shelby had a temper even with her friends. All in all, she probably was an ace at acting like an angel while hiding her pitchfork from her adoring public.
Jackson had his own reasons for not liking her. When he first started selling his books on campus after his first book came out, she destroyed his table while he was away to lunch and ripped apart one of his idea notebooks. Jackson growled just thinking about it. It took him a year to remember all of that stuff and written it down again… and he still thought he was missing something.
He breathed, trying to calm himself down. He couldn’t let himself get mad. He got out of his chair and went to splash his face with water. This year would be different. He wouldn’t have to deal with Shelby if he just stayed away from her. He’d just stick with Mikey and keep away from Shelby. Yeah. That would totally work.
“Yeah right…” He mumbled. He considered drinking a lot of water and throwing it up so he would have to miss the first day of senior year… but Mikey knew he had done that last year. He would probably know again.
Jackson sighed and started getting ready for school, dreading the worst.
End of chapter
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140,593 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
Hello! I noticed that this chapter of yours was in the green room, so figured I'd come review it for you
So, this has a lot of potential. I'm very intrigued to find out where things start turning mysterious, and I like the idea of a crime/mystery writer getting stuck in a real life mystery (or at least I assume that's what will happen here!) The majority of this chapter was all about character building (and relationship building between Mikey and Jackson), so there's not heaps to say, definitely not in terms of plot anywho. But that's totally cool. First chapters are where we meet characters and are introduced to the world they're living in, and you've managed that wonderfully, so a good job there. You've got no major technical issues (grammar, spelling e.t.c.) so everything read nice and smoothly, just some dialogue punctuation issues here and there.
In terms of critiques, your dialogue did feel a little unrealistic at times. On the whole, I think you portrayed Jackson and Mikey's relationship nicely, there was just the odd thing they said to each other that sounded a bit weird, a bit off in terms of how friends interact in real life. You did have quite a lot of dialogue too, potentially edging on a little too much, but I don't really think that's an issue considering it is an introductory chapter. The main thing I want you to focus on is trying to make it as realistic as possible! Let me find an example...
Okay, so in a natural conversation, Mikey wouldn't say Karoline's name. Either that, or he would say her name, but not say your main character because if this were a real life situation, Mikey obviously knows all about the books (and Jackson certainly would), so there'd be need for him to be that specific when talking about his stories. Err, if that makes sense. Basically, the way you've written the dialogue here makes it sound like you're just using this dialogue to inform the readers of Jackson's heroin's name (even though we've heard it already at the beginning!) As such, it comes off as unnatural. So just work on that!
Oh, something small before I forget; call me fussy, but it seems a tad bit unrealistic for jackson to have published 2 books and not even be out of high school
Anywho, back to the proper stuff. I do feel like Jackson majorly overreacted to Mikey's joking in regards to there ever being a real life crime for him to solve. Like, the guy was obviously joking, but Jackson almost went into a panic attack over it! It just felt a tad bit too overdramatic. I understand that it was (probably) foreshadowing the fact that exactly that is soon to happen, but I feel like you may have done it to the point of overkill. We can already sort of guess what the future might bring for Jackson based purely on the fact that he's a crime writer, and there's been heavy mention of that, so throwing this element of the conversation in isn't necessarily vital. Least not making Jackson's reaction as dramatic as it is at the moment, anywho!
Finally, you did fall into the classic trap of telling instead of showing a little here, although only in one aspect. So we were introduced to Jackson, Mikey, Shelby, and Jaime all together. We got to see Mikey and Jackson, which was great, whereas we were told about the other two. The issue is that instead of it being a brief introduction with hints of things to come, you kind of told us everything about these two characters, leaving little for us readers to figure out by ourselves and make our own judgements. Make us do some of the work! It can be a lot more intriguing for readers to base their ideas of characters around what they see these characters physically doing, saying, behaving e.t.c. For example, instead of noting how Shelby is lovely to people's faces, but pretty evil behind closed doors, let us come to that realisation alone. Hell, give us the false impression that she's this sweet girl, and then trip us up a little later into things where we realise not everything is as it seems with her. Little things like that can go far, y'know?
Anywho, before I begin to ramble on, that's it! I'm a little conscious of the fact I've been a bit harsh here, so please do take everything I've said with a pinch of salt. This is something that I can totally see with great potential, and so with some tweaking here and there, this could be a super solid opening chapter. The critiques I have mentioned are pretty easy to correct, and they are all somewhat opinion based, so it's no big deal. If you do have any questions regarding anything I've said in this, or just any general comments, please don't be afraid to let me know. I'm more than happy to explain things further if I've made little sense, which I often do.
Keep writing,
xoxo Sins
Thank you! ^-^
Hey! EverWinter here for a review!
This is a golden idea and I think you could run with this. The only thing is that your writing seems a little unnatural. I have a few suggestions, and then I'll get into what I liked.
The first thing I noticed, without even reading it, was that for a good portion of the chapter the paragraphs either start with "Mikey chuckled" or "Jackson chuckled". That is a turn off to readers. There is a whole world of words you could use. Chuckled is repetitive and I have a hard time believing these boys are laughing with every sentence they say. So you should edit that out. I can give you a list of replacements if you'd like. And you don't even need to label the dialogue after a minute. The reader will catch on and see the banter happening. That way, you don't have to keep coming up with ways to say "said".
Another thing about the dialogue is that it seems unrealistic. These best friends aren't talking like best friends. Instead of saying "I'm not a stalker" a boy would say, completely deadpan "Yes." and Mikey would say something like "pfft" because he'd know Jackson was kidding. Just try to think of how 2 best friends would talk to each other. How do you talk to your best friend?
A tip for seeing if dialogue makes sense is read it out loud. You'll hear the awkwardness in it, believe me. It just won't seem natural to say. If it's good, it'll seem natural and just kinda roll off your tongue.
Also "The first two were obvious as to why they didn’t like them, but their dislike for
Shelby would make some people think they were crazy." You accidentally hit enter here.
Now, for what I liked. The boys had normal reactions to Jaime. Jackson thought she was creepy. Which she kinda did seem a little creepy. So nice job with that.
And the way you described Shelby was great. Ominous and just the way someone would if they hated someone.
You have great potential with this story and I hope you keep going with it!
EverWinter
Thank you! I will use this!
Thank you! I will use this!