CHAPTER 1
The tension hurt fifteen year old Jackson Malerdeen’s head. It was difficult for him being neglected by his step-father. Okay, that was a little stretch of the truth; his step-father didn’t completely ignore him, or his friends for that matter. No, Jackson’s step-father knew all of them fairly well. You see, Jackson and his two friends, Marcus Jenario and Katelynn Briarfeild, were the personal science experiments of Jackson’s step-father.
They were all kept in the step-father’s lab in Locust Hill, Maine. Nestled just off the border of Canada, this is where Dr. Manser did the atrocious experiments that would change the lives of these three close friends. He altered them, all the way down to their DNA, merging them with some of the wildest animals known to man. He started with the fastest and strongest creatures feared as predator, merging young Marcus with a leopard, mutating lithe Katelynn into the tigress, and making his own step-son Jackson, one with the cheetah.
Jackson felt himself slipping towards insanity. He started being unable to control himself. No, he had to control himself. He started thinking about his friends. They were each sitting in a room that was to them was like a prison. Jackson’s had a small table in the middle of the room with two chairs, and a small bed to sleep on. He had no idea why the table was there, his step-dad never gave him food, and the bed was useless because he never slept. Jackson had gotten to the point where he felt like his step-dad had crossed the line. He was tired of being alone.
He was allowed to have visitors, but the only person, who his best friend, Harmony Talder ever came. This was sometimes the best thing for him, because she was his only link to his little 10 year old brother Tyler. The reason Tyler couldn’t come see Jackson himself, was because Jackson didn’t want his step-dad using Tyler as his guinea-pig too, so he stayed with Harmony and her parents. She wasn’t there now.
He had told her he expected that his step-dad was going to set of one of his harebrained experiments sooner than later. “I don’t want you to turn into a freak like me” he told her. He hugged her. “If something does happen use this to get back into the building” he gave her a keycard he swiped of a guard. “Take care of Tyler” he said as she walked out. Jackson sighed, that was an hour ago and he missed her already.
This was one of those times where he really missed his dad, Phillip Malerdeen, who had died in a car crash 2 years before. The strange thing was they had never found the body. Jackson used to believe he would come back, but then he started thinking that if his dad were still alive, he would come back. Last year his mom, Catherine Malerdeen, married a famous animal biologist named Harold Manser. Jackson had never really trusted the guy. Besides he wasn’t going to change his last name, even if you paid him.
As he sat in his prison of a room, he rubbed his head with his paw. He was right not to trust Manser. Now he, his friends, and his mom were being held in the lab, in their own rooms. He heard the door to his room open and turned. His step-dad walked into the room. Jackson growled “Dr Manser”.
Dr Manser sat down at the table and motioned for Jackson to take the other seat. “Hello Jason, we need to talk, sit down please.”
Jackson stayed standing. He hated Manser, he hated his stupid Scottish accent, he hated everything about the lunatic “My name is Jackson, and even though I’m part animal you don’t control me like I am your pet and you never will”.
“Listen Jeffery, sit down and let me talk”. Manser said putting up his hand, as if that would stop the boy from speaking his mind.
Jackson sat down “Its Jackson” he growled crossing his arms.
Dr. Manser looked unfazed by his retort said “I’ve just come to say I am going to perform a few tests on you and your friends”.
Jackson narrowed his eyes. “You’re going to end up killing us”.
Dr. Manser smiled “If you insist I can do just that, or I can just starve you and set you loose in the city”. He smirked.
Jackson yelled “You’re a monster. You have already been starving us. You know how many people could die or get hurt if you let us loose? What would stop us from devouring you?”
Manser’s expression didn't change, “Uh-uh-uh” He said shaking his finger at Jackson, “We both know who the real monster is, and it is not me.”
Jackson’s face fell.
Manser smirked and continued “To answer your first question; I do know and I know you do too, that's why I know you won’t dare try anything foolish. The side-effects as you know can get quite dangerous.”
Jackson cringed. He knew from experience what hunger could do to a mutated carnivorous animal human hybrid. Eleven months ago Manser had made evil clones of Jackson and his friends and made them fight. The copies won and escaped into the wild. Jackson hated them because they had almost killed Harmony and injured his friend Jacob Winthrop.
As he was thinking this his stomach started to rumble. He was hungry. He wanted meat. Juicy meat. He licked his chops. No, he couldn’t turn into an animal… If he did everyone would be at risk. He fought to keep madness from taking over him. Besides, that was what Manser wanted anyway.
“As for your second question” Manser said, “I’ve considered the fact that if I set you free and you come for me, I’d kill you first.”
Jackson stared at the animal biologist. “Go back to the mad house you psycho”
Manser struck him and he fell on the floor. “You will not be conscious when we do the tests; you, your friends, and your mother will be in stasis tubes” Manser chuckled as two guards came into the room cuffed Jackson and led out of the room. “That’s where we keep the animals.”
The guards took Jackson to the main laboratory. He saw his friends already asleep in their stasis tubes. There were only two left, his and his mother’s. He looked around and saw his mother and two more guards walk into the room.
She saw him looking and said “I tried to stop him but he wouldn’t listen”.
He frowned when he saw she was crying and said. “Manser doesn’t care. He never did.” Jackson yelled as Manser walked into the lab.
“What are you doing” Manser cried. “They should be in the stasis tubes”.
The guards started pulling him towards one of the open stasis tubes.
“No” mom screamed and started struggling against the guards and reaching towards Jackson.
As he was being pulled away his eyes met hers and a tear fell down his face. “It’s okay mom, I’ll be okay” he tried to say but he was interrupted when the guards pushed him into the tube and sealed the door.
As soon the door was sealed, he couldn't hold the madness in any longer he started clawing at the glass and growling. His eyes had turned a dark crimson. He wanted meat. He looked at all the scientists walking around outside. If he could get out they would all be fresh meat, HIS fresh meat.
A voice in the back of his head said “NO!!! Control yourself! Do it for Harmony and Tyler! Do it for your mom!”
Another voice, a strong voice drowned out the other and rasped “HUNGER!!! They did this to you, they will pay with their BLOOD”
Manser walked up to his stasis pod. "The rage from hunger, it flows through you, you must feed Cheetah-boy and you will."
Sleeping gas started to pour in from the ceiling. He tried to fight the gas and stay awake but it was no use, but the last thing he saw was his step-dad flipping a switch, then everything went dark.
End of chapter
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140,591 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
Ack! I'm so sorry for being so late, I really am!
School started and has left me with zero time. Hopefully I can make it up to you with a helpful review. Let's begin!
Thoughts after reading
How cool is that? A cheeta-boy, a leopard-boy, and a tiger-girl? Woah! I guess it isn't so cool though after I see how Jackson is treated as a mindless monster.
I also agree with what Lau said about Harmony. It doesn't matter how dangerous the doctor is, really. If the police arrest him, everyone is safe. It would make more sense to me if the doctor set up an excuse or false story for Harmony and all other visitors for why these kids are being isolated and neglected. Have you read/seen Holes? Stanley is imprisoned at Camp Green Lake, where his parents think he's having a blast tying knots and swimming in the lake. But what he's really been forced to do is dig five feet deep holes in the desert every day. This could be kinda like this. The doctor could tell Harmony that Jackson must be kept in a facility because of a rare disease or something, and on the side Manser could threaten Jackson with his life if he confides in Harmony and gets her to call the police. Because yeah, under these circumstances, there's really no reason why she shouldn't get help. Manser can't do anything when he's behind bars.
Recommendations
BlackCat came up with some good critiques, particularly this first one. I similarly encourage you to combine your sentence so they're longer and flow together with more ease. You might also want to try sprinkling in some literary devices (similes, metaphors, alliteration, etc.) to add an even nicer flair to your piece.
I always find myself critiquing first paragraphs/sentences in my reviews. It's definitely hard to mold them into a perfect hook, but it's so important!
What I don't like about this first paragraph is that you're starting the reader off with a big info dump. You're saying, "Alright, Reader, here's the main character, and here's what this book is basically about." That's good in some ways, but it would be best if you start off by telling the story instead of telling us what it's about. I like the first sentence. We're in the story, learning that tension is hurting the MC's head. That's good. I want to know what's up with Jackson and why he's experience tension that would give him a headache. The second sentence is alright, too - you answer my question and we're still present in the story, if you know what I mean, but then you plunge downhill from there. It's not a good idea to go further back in time to explain things when you haven't first grabbed the reader in the present story.
How're you going to fix this? Just stay with the story and keep the reader guessing for a few more paragraphs before you explain everything about the stepfather and Jackson's friends. Grab me first with action, not information, then explain what's going on. I do like your first two paragraphs, though - don't get me wrong! I think they'd serve splendidly as a book summary you'd find on the back cover of a published book. Just not as the very beginning of your first chapter.
One more thing about your first paragraph - isn't Jackson's mom included in the experiments too? Why wasn't she listed. It caught me off guard when she was suddenly there towards the end of the book when she hadn't really been mentioned before. Even if she isn't experimented on, she's at lease imprisoned and deserves a mention.
I'd reword that like this: "He was allowed to have visitors, but the only person who ever came was his best friend, Harmony Talder."
This sentence needs to emphasize that the step-father might set up an experiment on Harmony, not generally anyone.
Keep your tense constant.
I know what you were trying to say (without the editing), but how you had it can be interpreted in a different way, kinda like this: "I used to believe the apple was red, but then I started thinking that the apple was red."
If you were to write it this way, you need to rearrange the punctuation like this: Jackson growled, "Dr. Manser." I do think it would sound nicer if you switched the dialogue tag and the dialogue around, however. Just remember to keep your periods and commas inside the quotations.
What are stasis tubes? Answer in the chapter by describing them.
You could definitely use some work with writing dialogue, but otherwise your grammar is pretty good. Just let me know if you'd like some tips or further help editing everything. I'd be happy to help.
More thoughts
Like I said before, there's a lot of explaining in this chapter and not enough action. Just keep this in mind when you come back to edit: concentrate more on the action, the descriptions, the present story, and lighten up on the history and the information. It can wait. For now, just try to work on descriptions. Most of them were very vague, which can be a good thing when you want to leave your reader to their imagination, but mostly a bad thing when you leave them in a confused fog. I liked that you described Manser with a Scottish accent, but what else? What color is his hair? What makes him so despicable? What do the guards look like? What about his room? How are the rooms arranged? What does Jackson himself look like? I get that he's half boy, half cheetah, but what parts of his body are which species? More descriptions of his friends and his mother would be nice.
Aside from that, though, you have some really unique material here! It's a very interesting plot so far, with a nice, well-thought out cast of characters. It seems to me like you know what you're doing, and you're doing it well. I feel terrible for Jackson and I'm starting to despise this Mansen guy.
I hope I helped! I'm sorry again for being so late. Keep up the great writing and keep these creative ideas coming!
Hello Halfbloodcheetah!
I just realized you and Jackson are both half human half cheetahs-Did Manser transform you too?
Okay, first of all. This was awesome! I like the plot. Love it. Really PM me when you write anothr chapter, people always say they will, but never do. So, really do it, okay?
-Characters. I know we only met Jackson, but he's awesome enough for me to be happy. One thing I will point out is, Manser would know his step son's name. No mother will date a guy who keeps forgetting her son's name. So, if this is for tauting purposes, you could do something more like- subject 002. Y'know? Makes more sense, right? Either way, it doesn't matter. Still love it.
- The first part of the story could use some work. For one, his head hurting because of his step father's negligence. Re write the first part. I would start your first line with him coming into his room or maybe DAY 23- depending how many days he's been stuck. Also describe the room's walls and the ratty bed- somethin to make it feel more like a prison! Does he have windows? He could be chained up so that the scientists can't get hurt. stuff like that.
-Harmony isn't a very nice friend. Her best friend is stuck in a lab, and what does she do? She visits him. Why not call the police? And what about his friends that are locked up with him? Do their parents care? At all that they haven't seen their kids in a at least a few days?
-Make a list of valuable need to know info for this chapter. For example, he's a half cheetah. We can find out about the other friends abilities later. His little brother and Harmonie are other parts that don't matter right now.
RECAP:
Awesome plot and I am very interest. Like very interested. All I would do is put a little more order in your chapter and remember the key parts.
Need any help just ask!
-Lau.
*sighs* Yes... That Darn Doctor Manner...
He's been there for two years, Harmony is actually his love interest... but Jackson has discouraged her from making any attempts to stop Manser... Because the man is dangerous... Harmony and Tyler are actually valuable parts because thinking of the is keeping him sane.
Thanks for the review.
I think this first chapter definitely makes me want to read more, although I do suggest taking a look at your punctuation, as with most things. I feel the story is a bit choppy, maybe it could flow more smoothly. Personally, I'd like a little more description in a few things, maybe not just saying the friends are in the stasis tubes, maybe describe what they look like, just for an example. Overall, I like the the story! Keep it up!
Hello, this is Blackie here to review you!~
Firstly, I'd like to say that I really enjoyed reading though this story. It has a good solid plot behind it, and will provide a very interesting read for most people.
However, like the awful, critical person I am, I have to share with you some of the errors I found in your text. I might be harsh unconsciously, so please bear with me, I'd really like to turn this story into gold together.
1) You don't use conjunctions.
Through your text, one thing I noticed was the enormous lack of conjunctions (and, but, if, so, etc..) I mean, sure you used a few, but most of your prose is choppy, and lacking in coherence.
"Jackson felt himself slipping towards insanity. He started being unable to control himself. No, he had to control himself. He started thinking about his friends. They were each sitting in a room that was to them was like a prison. Jackson’s had a small table in the middle of the room with two chairs, and a small bed to sleep on. He had no idea why the table was there, his step-dad never gave him food, and the bed was useless because he never slept. Jackson had gotten to the point where he felt like his step-dad had crossed the line. He was tired of being alone."
That's 8 sentences, most of which are unnecessary. You could have written something like;
"Jackson felt himself spiraling down into insanity. Desperately, he tried to clutch onto the memory of his friends which hung in his head like buoys, the friends who, like him, were sitting in these chambers of misery and torment. Perhaps he was e better off than them, with the plain table, chairs and bed which furnished his room. Alas, he could not think why, for he was never given food, nor was he allowed to sleep. "
You'll notice that I ignored the last line, that bit is unrelated to your paragraph, I'll be coming to that later.
4 sentences, and smooth in flow too, with each sentence related to the former.
I mean, I find it very unsettling when someone just uses little sentences instead of joining them together.
"He had told her he expected that his step-dad was going to set of one of his harebrained experiments sooner than later. “I don’t want you to turn into a freak like me” he told her. He hugged her. “If something does happen use this to get back into the building” he gave her a keycard he swiped of a guard. “Take care of Tyler” he said as she walked out. Jackson sighed, that was an hour ago and he missed her already."
Go through this paragraph and try to join the sentences together. I guarantee you that it'll sound better to you.
2)There're some odd tense confusions here and there
"The guards started pulling him towards one of the open stasis tubes."
" but the last thing he saw was his step-dad flipping a switch, then everything went dark." Etc etc... Just be careful.
You could say "The guards started to pull.." or "...his dad flip a switch..."
Other than that, it's just a few minor word confusions here and there, all of which could be solved by reading and rereading.
Good job, and keep writing, friend.
Love, Blackie <3
Thank you!