World War III had ravaged the world, fifty years ago. No one was ready for the disaster and despair it caused. But in the end, America won the war. However, it was at a great cost. A great amount of the country had been destroyed. The American people had to rebuild society, so they did… They built a great walled city; in this city, they rebuilt the country and all of society.
American scientists, that had survived the war, had to find a way to help the American people defend themselves from another attack. After years of testing, they found a way to give each member of society different abilities. They inject the serum into a human fetus, so that the power will have time to develop the power as they grow.
They started with two subjects, a boy and a girl. They studied them and watched them grow. By the age of fourteen, the girl showed signs of her powers developing. The boy, however, did not develop his power until he was 15. The scientist took notes as he used his powers for the first time. Then the boy’s powers started acting up.
The boy screamed in pain as fire came out of his hands. He was unable to control it. The scientists and the girl watched in terror as the fire tore at the boy. One of the scientists in protective gear managed to administer a tranquilizing agent into the boy’s neck. The boy’s fire went out as he passed out into the scientist’s arms.
The boy’s arms were badly burned and the scientist almost dropped him, when the heat burned through the protective suit and burnt him. He winced, but kept a firm grip on the boy. He tried to drag the boy out but suddenly the fire came back.
The boy cried out in pain even in unconsciousness, as the scientist dropped him. The man’s clothes were on fire. The other scientists came in trying to extinguish the fire, while the girl stood watching; her face deathly pale. She watched as they extinguished the fires, and pulled the man and the boy out of the room on stretchers; both of them had third degree burns across their bodies.
The leaders of the New America, saw that the project was dangerous and could have chaotic results, so they shut the project down.
However, fifteen years later, a new leader arose. This leader, Cataline Ferguson, rebooted the project. She issued the best scientists in the city to find out what went wrong with the first test. The scientists worked for days trying to break down the serum, and find the faulty component.
After four long weeks, one of the scientists found the faulty component and corrected it. But just to be sure, that the problem was fixed, the scientists tested the serum again. Doing the same things as before, they watched the growth and development of the subjects. This time, it was the boy who developed his powers early. The girl however didn’t start developing her powers until she was seventeen years old.
However, because of the altercations of the serum, the girl was able to control her powers. Cataline came to the testing center and watched as the girl controlled the equipment with her mind. Her mind was racing. Though the girl was showing that she could control her powers, she was worried that they would become erratic and hurt someone. But still, she had the serum administered to the populous.
However, she made a law; that stated that anyone whose powers did not develop by the time they were fifteen, they would be cast out of society to the surrounding woods. This would be done for the safety of the person, and the safety of the rest of society.
And it has been that way for thirty years…
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello, Halfblood! racket here to review your prologue!
Well, this is an interesting society you've developed, though it feels a bit forced, especially at the beginning. Your explanation of World War III, in the first paragraph, is very choppy and the sentences are short and disconnected. The explanation goes by too fast and the whole prologue is a kind of information dump that is a bit much for a reader to absorb in just one reading. There's that writer saying 'Show, don't tell' that are really helpful when trying to edit info-dumps such as these, where you have to get all this informational details out in order for the reader to understand the actual story. I would suggest writing from that first girl test-subject's point of view, kind of like
And it would go on kind of like that. The girl would probably have to come back and demonstrate her sixty-year-old wisdom to the main characters at some point. Not necessarily, but you know, wouldn't that just make things so interesting?
Well, that's my suggestion for you! Try it from a strange, first-person perspective that could first-hand tell of all the trouble the Americans had been through. Yup! ^.^ Good job! I really like the concept, and I think if you shaped it in a certain way, it would be brilliant. Just try to be a bit original with your phrasing and concepts, as super-human qualities such as fire and walled-in dystopian societies is a more common idea currently, so the interpretation has to really be fantastic. But, knowing you, it can be done. So, good luck and keep up the great work!
~racket
Really intriguing start to this novel. The scenario of a World War III that completely destroys America isn't the most original thing ever, but it remains an interesting one. It's not perfectly worded, however. "But in the end, America won the war. However, it was at a great cost." could be one setence instead of two. But I like this premise, nitpicking aside.
Why the commas here x_x I'm not a grammar expert, so maybe I'm mistaken, but I don't think you really need them. Same with the comma in the first sentence of the novel, but that's fine too. Another minor thing is that you already said we're in America here three times, if you want to be more concise you don't have to keep reminding us.
Story-wise, I'm curious about scientists being laced with the burden of helping prepare for another attack. It makes me wonder if we're going to see a non-functioning government. Really interesting.
Oh, now I see why it's up to scientists. Your premise is very intriguing. So, the military has been destroyed to the point where people have to defend themselves. That's pretty intelligent.
"the power will have time to develop the power"
That redundancy aside...so they have these powers at birth. But is it the scientists or doctors that inject the serum? That's something you could clarify.
This is a bit strangely worded. You said "powers" three different times. For more flavorful writing, I think you could exchange "powers" for "new-found abilities" in the second sentence. Also, I don't really like the word acting up, because it's a bit...childish. Better vocabulary would be "malfunction". I just think it better fits the tone of your story, but that's just me. x_x
That's very frightening. You convey the feelings of terror here in an exemplary way. Although there is no dialogue, and the readers know nothing about these scientists, the fear and dreadful terror they face when this experiment goes wrong is extraordinarily powerful. "Her face deathly pale" is an excellent way of describing her feelings in a concise, yet strong and accurate manner. This section is very well done. The last part about the burns, I think you could get into more detail. Don't just tell us that their bodies are burnt, show us what those burns look like.
I'd like to know how she got permission from the government to continue the project. Did she bribe them, blackmail them, or is she not a venomous character and is just that smart to earn their trust?
So they're like "let's just try this again". Hmm...
So, clearly Cataline is not at all a villainous character, being worried about the safety of others. Nice inclusion to let the reader know a bit more about her. We also get a little glimpse of what these powers can do, which is cool.
Now that's kind of inhumane.
This is a really great start! The story is immersive and intriguing, your twist on a post-World War III world is very interesting and fun to read. Just watch your commas, and also I'd change the wording in the first section a bit:
This is sort of misleading, because as the story goes on, its revealed that they haven't found out how to give each member of society different abilities, they're still ironing out the difficulties in getting the powers controllable. You make it sound like everyone has a power, and there are no problems with everyone being able to defend themselves - having to throw certain people in the woods because their power hasn't bloomed, and kids setting themselves on fire is the opposite of that.
Really good story, I enjoyed reading it a lot. Do keep going ._.
Bonjour! Tis I, the Chirave Canicthus, here to review your work! I've had this one bookmarked for a while just in the special case of Revmo, so this is one of the first things I'll be hitting.
I like the name Late Bloom. It just sounds cool, like a flower or something along those lines. It's also very neat and conveys a simple elegant message along with it. I know it sounds kinda nasty, like puberty is in general, but it also implies that the superpowers happen late in the teenage years, if that makes any sense.
This just seems like a massive infodump prologue. There's no dialogue, no characters introduced... I think this would almost be better if this was put into a "Newspaper article" of some sort. It seems like it'd fit better. That way the information could be given, where instead of making it seem like an intrusive infodump, it seems like a proper report, with the info given in that format.
The best option overall would be simply spreading out the facts throughout the tale. Start with chapter one, where the camp of late-blooming teens is having a new arrival, or maybe a kid who's 16 and starting to get powers. Show that there's no-one under fifteen. Maybe a small speech to celebrate the newly powered person. Idk. Just slowly submerge us into the pot. Like the story of the frog. If you put him in a pot of boiling water, he'll immediately jump out. But if you slowly boil the water when he's in there, he won't notice until it's too late.
Try doing the same, where after the reader knows all the info (Boiling water,) then they simply won't/can't get out of the story. It's relatively easy to do.
Keep Writing!
*Chiravian flies away*
Hi !
I like the idea of this story .
The first part of this prologue was slow and didn't contain much details but the second part was good ;plenty of events that inroduced the universe in a smart and brief way .
I believe that this is going to be interesting !
Best of luck
i love this your idea for this universe, i'd suggest taking the whole 'world war 3' thing off the story if it doesn't play an important role in the story in the foreseeable future. if not, then continue.
i find your vague writing rather amateurish, for example:- 'The man’s clothes were on fire. The other scientists came in trying to extinguish the fire, while the girl stood watching'
the first part of that sentence was really frank and on point for a descriptive sentence, its like saying 'the sky is blue'
and finally i noticed some words were being used repetitively, though this might not be noticed by novice readers, harsher critics may put you down for them.
please continue writing, your idea is quite intriguing.
Hello, steampowered here for a review! I suppose I’d better get started.
The one thing I really liked about this prologue was your premise. It’s a superhero story, but it’s a superhero story with a bit of a difference. I like this world you’ve created, and it’s not particularly similar to anything I’ve experienced before, so I’d be really interested to see where you take it.
To be honest though, I’m not sure you actually need a prologue. It conveys information that is relevant to the story, but towards the end it makes it very clear what this story is going to be about (almost to spoiler-level) and I think it might be improved by turning this from a kind of descriptive, narrative piece of prose into an actual story. Show us what happened, rather than simply tell us (I feel like this technique might work well in movies but in books I much prefer to “see” it for myself)
On the other hand, perhaps you could cut the prologue altogether, and convey the same information later in the story in a more subtle way. For example, a scientist could ponder about how far the serum has come since that fateful day that cost them one of their colleagues as well as a test subject. Perhaps teenagers at school talk excitedly about their blooming and what they’re going to do when they get their powers. Just some ideas, but I feel like this might make it less of an infodump.
In case you prefer to keep what you have, I have one or two little points:
Do any of these characters get names? What happened to the scientist and the boy? Since they survived (or at least the reader assumes it) I feel like they might play some role later. For example, perhaps the main character is descended from one of them, or perhaps there’s some kind of mysterious (and probably very elderly by now) scarred doctor who explains to the main character why they must be cast out… just a few random ideas. It might be nice if we met them again. If not, I’d probably not have them survive their injuries so the reader is left in no doubt that they’re not part of the story.
I’d write 15 out as a word for consistency.
You’ve used the word “burned” a lot here. Also, for consistency reasons I wouldn’t use “burnt” if you say “burned” elsewhere.
I personally wouldn’t use the same phrasing so close together. Maybe change the latter to “as the flames went out” or something like that?
You use the word “mind” twice in quick succession, which makes it a little confusing.
Apart from that, great ideas and I’d love to read more of this.
Keep writing!