My heart was beating so fast, I thought it had stopped. Marcy tried to call out to me, but her voice came out as a high pitched squeal. Kellin stared at me. His eyes told me to run, but the shaking of his body told me to help them. Aiden’s eyes pleaded for my help. But what could I do…? It’s one against five…
“Well, well, well…” a man said as he stepped forward, “looks like the little mouse finally came out to play.” The man was tall and muscular, with a bald head, a blue eye on his left, and a scar on his right eye covered buy an eye patch. I knew this man… His name is Royce. I first ran into him a month ago. I was just starting to settle into my house, when I saw him and his men carrying two wagons filled with food, medicine, and clothes. All I really needed was the meds. I followed them all the way back to their hideout, and when I got the chance; I snuck in. I managed to avoid all the watchmen by hiding behind and under furniture. I finally reached their storage, and only took three or four bottles. But I wasn’t quick enough. Royce found me down there, and held me at gun point. He told his men to take me out to “the wall,” but I escaped from them, and ran to their weapons room where I killed two or three of the men. I stole three guns and some ammo, and fought my way out of there. Royce tried to stop me, but the last thing I did was throw a knife straight into his right eye. The last memory I have of him is when he doubled over in pain from his eye…
“What are you doing here…?” I asked, my voice slightly quivering.
“You know, you killed three of my best men that day…” he replied angrily.
“Obviously they weren’t very good to get killed by a young girl.”
“If I were you, little mouse, I’d watch what I was saying.” The men tightened their grip on everyone, and Marcy screamed. “Shut that little bitch up!” Royce yelled, and the man covered her mouth.
“Let them go…” My voice came out stronger than I thought it would.
“How about we make a deal… you drop your gun, and any other weapons you have, take your friends here, and leave, and we’ll take this place all to ourselves and watch you all walk off into the sunset. How’s that sound?”
If I leave, I’d leave behind every bit of food, medicine, clothing… everything I worked hard to get. If I don’t… who knows what’ll happen to us. Be careful, Ren. Royce could be playing a dirty trick on you… think before you do this… “Fine, it’s a deal.” The words slipped out of my mouth before I even had the chance to think about them.
Royce snapped his fingers, and let everyone go. Marcy ran up to me and I picked her up and let her bawl and scream into my shoulder and Kellin and Aiden stood at my sides. I threw the gun and knife towards Royce, and stood back. “Now.” Royce said. “Leave.” I nodded and walked out to the front door.
“Please tell me you have a plan…” Kellin whispered. No… “Well… I guess we just sit here and wait for the boom of a rifle…” A boom…? That’s it! I didn’t have a plan at all, but once Kellin said boom, I remembered something I got a hold of a long time ago. I was prepared for something like this, and Royce didn’t even know it. Explosives.
When we were out of Royce’s sight, we ran to the side of the building where the balcony that led to our apartment was. “Alright, Kellin, I need you to lift me up there. I’m going to grab what I can, then blow the place to pieces.” They all looked at me with wide eyes. “I know it sounds crazy, but-“
“Crazy?” Kellin interrupted, “It sounds completely insane! Ren, what are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking I can save us. Please… just trust me.” We stared at each other for a long time, and before anything else was said, Kellin stood up, walked under the balcony, and locked his fingers so he could lift me up.
Aiden took Macy from me, and whispered, “You better come back…” I looked in his eyes, and nodded. I put one foot in Kellin’s hands, and then I climbed onto the balcony. The room was empty, so I snuck in, and shut the door. I tip toed over to a box that had three backpacks in it. One was already filled to the brim with ammo and weapons, so I stuck it on my back. I quietly opened the door, and realized that no one was up here yet. I ran into the kitchen, and stuffed one bag full of meds, and the other with food. I went back into the room with the balcony, removed a fake floor board, and pulled out explosives. I piled them all in the kitchen, and started looking for matches.
“Which one’s hers?” I heard a faint voice yell. They’re close, Ren. Move faster. My palms started to sweat and get tingly, and my heart was starting to race. I found the matches, lit one, and lit the line to the explosives. I had about two minutes before they blew. I was just about to leave, when I remembered a few things. I ran into Marcy’s room, grabbed her bear, and stuffed it into my belt. “Here it is!” The voice said, too close to comfort. I scurried into my room, and quietly shut the door. You’ve got about a minute, Ren. I opened the drawer that had the last remainders of my family in it. I stuffed all the pictures in my pockets, a piece of clothing from each member down my shirt, and my mother’s necklace.
“Do any of you smell something burning?” I could hear Royce ask. Thirty seconds, Ren! Run! I grabbed the bags, and busted out through the door as Royce yelled, “What the hell was that?” I ended up tripping off of the balcony, and landed on a bush which knocked the wind out of me. I stood up, and started running. The others were waiting for me, and when I was just eight feet away from them, the apartment blew. It threw me off of my feet, and I skidded on right shoulder. When I looked back at the building, there was a whole where my home used to be. I sat there trying to catch my breath. Terrified that I wasn’t alive, that maybe I never made it out of there. But Aiden’s warm embrace woke me from that nightmare.
“You did it! You actually did it!” Kellin yelled, and kissed me on the head. Marcy jumped around, and I handed her the teddy bear. She made a quiet squeal, and wrapped it in her arms. We sat there staring at the remainders of our home for what seemed like hours. As the adrenaline wore off, I felt extremely tired, and my shoulder burned like hell. Kellin picked up the two bags, and Aiden picked me up.
“Go to sleep, Ren. You deserve it.” Kellin said. “You did amazing… Don’t worry; I’ll look for somewhere safe for us.”
A smile crept across my face. “Just relax, Ren. I got you. You’re safe now.” Aiden whispered. When he said that, I don’t think I had felt that safe in a long time. I don’t know why, but I felt a lot stronger now, than I did before. I felt at ease… like from now on, things will be better. The one thing that made me feel great was that Kellin said I did amazing… But… how do I feel that I did. I don’t know if I’m proud of what I did, or proud that I made it out alive…. You did good, stupid. Now get some rest…
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hi, The Messenger Knight here to review for you as usual.
So, I went into this heart-pumping, but I felt like this chapter contained too much to be so short, and there wasn't enough tension. When the group begins to walk away after dropping their guns, try adding some emotion. Some fear in Ren's heart, not trusting the bad guys, expecting a shot, or something like that.
Also, when they get out and Ren rushes back, although you had a couple parts where you mentioned the time, and yet you didn't have a lot of detail. You didn't really say what the explosives were, or if there was a fuse, although I imagined there was since she was looking for matches, and I think if there were parts where you mentioned her hands were shaking, although the one part where you do mention her hands sweating was really good.
Overall I just felt like this went too fast. Slow down, re-read and see where you can make it more intense without boring the reader with details.
Keep it up!
So its either gonna be one of three things.
One: Ren and Aiden
Two: Ren and Kallin
Three: Ren lets the two fight over her.
...
Four: none of the above and Ren is actually going to find someone else! o_O
Hehe, but anyways, I'm Ossum and this is your review. So the whole aspect of the theme you are setting is awesome. I haven't even read the other 8 parts to this story and already I can tell that it will be an amazing adventure.
On a technical note, make sure to re-read your writing. I had a problem with this, and still do sometimes, where I forget to reread and realize I didn't put in a word or misspelled something, or my punctuation. A good buddy on here told me to always read your own work to get the flow of your own work. It's kind of hard I know, but try reading it from a readers perspective and make sure they not only understand what is going on, (Which you did beautifully), but flows in the way you need it to.
As in, fast paced like it was while Ren was in the house getting everything. And slower when she was out and in Aiden's arms. you set a very good mood to this and I can't wait to read the rest of your works. ^-^