I remember a time when things were so simple. It felt like nothing could go wrong. Ha... was I wrong or what? The world has turned from an oasis for mankind, to a death trap. All ends of the Earth were destroyed by "natural" disasters. Tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, anything you can imagine. The world around us is crumbling to pieces, and all we can do is sit and wait for the rest of humanity to crumble as well. My name is Ren, I'm seventeen, and yes, I'm fighting for myself in this world. Or at least what's left of it... I hunt everyday for food because any other food is WAY past expiration date. Right now, like everyday, I'm wandering the streets. A makeshift bow and arrow in hand, waiting to run into an unsuspecting animal. It's midway into June, I think.... Actually, I'm not to sure... I lost track of time a little while after the government went to shit. The world has been like this for the past five years. The President promised us all that the world would be brought back to normal within two years. Obviously he kept that promise... I continue walking down the street, hopping over slabs of concrete and rusty old cars. I live in San Francisco, and this was one of the first places to get hit. First a hurricane, then two tornadoes, and lastly, six earthquakes. It's amazing that I made it... I kind of wish that my parents made it too... If they were only smart enough to stay undercover instead of running out to seek better refuge. But I became smart fast. I learned the ways of the new world, and learned how to take care of myself. I don't think I'm doing too bad. I'm still breathing. Soon enough, I hit the Golden Gate Bridge. Or at least what's left of it. It was destroyed in the second earthquake, leaving any survivors stranded. But down here is where the small deer take refuge from the living in the city which is covered in over grown vegetation. I listened carefully, and heard the clicking of hooves. Good. They haven't gone anywhere yet. I headed towards them, and hid behind a bus, looking around it to see the deer, but instead saw a man and a little girl. The man was in his mid thirties. His hair was staring to gray, and his eyes looked kind of foggy. The little girl next to him couldn't be any older than seven. Her golden hair was pulled into a single braid down her back, and her blue eyes glistened in the sunlight. The two of them were walking towards MY deer. I took the arrow, pulled it back on the string of my bow, and aimed at the man. It's everyone for themselves out here, and if I don't kill him first, he'll kill me. I took a deep breath, made sure I was aiming directly at him, and... He stepped on a branch, which made a loud snap and the deer ran off. Damn. I lowered the bow, and looked at the little girl. She needed this guy more than I needed the deer. I turned back to leave, and heard cawing. I looked up and saw an Eagle in flying in the sky. I've never seen one of these before. But it definitely meant something. But what? "Be brave." I thought. "Be brave Ren. You can survive." I continued walking back down the busted bridge, doing my best to avoid glass and debris. The quieter I am, the less of a chance I have of being noticed. When I got to the end of the bridge, I saw a man, at least in his twenties. He was rummaging through a few boxes that were piled against a building. I hid behind the nearest car, and waited to see what he found. He looked frantically around him, a normal thing for people to do nowadays, and pulled out a med kit. Holy shit! I haven't seen one of those in two years! I pulled out an arrow, but before I could get it near my bow, a gunshot was fired. I turned back to the man who was face down on the concrete, dead. When I looked a little past his lifeless body, two men walked up to him, both carrying pistols. I don't care how much I want that med kit, my bow is no match for fire arms. I put my back up against the car... This is the hell I go through everyday. The hunger, the murder, the pain, the suffering... it all seems... Endless....
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OK, Malachi hereto review. This story is captivating from the beginning.. Like others reviewers have asked, please change the bold lettering. Th only typo I saw was
His hair was staring to gray. It should be starting.
I would divide paragraphs and put thoughts in italic, which will make reading much easier and more enjoyable. The story itself sounds quite interesting, I'll be reading chapter two.
Keep it up!
Greetings! I thought this was pretty good. Ren seems like a good, likable character who has good potential. However, the story does seem to move pretty fast. I suggest slowing it down a bit. Also, is the sentence "Obviously he kept that promise..." sarcasm? I don't think it really worked. Maybe you should add sarcasm in later when it makes more sense. All in all, a promising beginning. Keep writing!
-Bellator
This is a really good start. You've got a lot of emotion packed in here. To make this an easier read, may I suggest not bolding or italicizing your story? Also for a first chapter (I'm hoping you'll write more) I suggest you make it a little longer. It's kind of short for a first chapter. As for the content it's awesome! I think you've got a great start and a lot of room to expand on this. I look forward to reading more. Keep up the good work!
And as always, good luck to you and your writing!
Thank you so much
I agree with Alceste that it was a little fast in places and could have used some paragraphing. However, the story is very Hunger Games-esque and it has some real potential. I think all you have to do is really slow it down. Let's say Ren is reminiscing while walking through the nearly abandoned city. Describe how the buildings look, what the vegetation is like, even the air around her. Post-apocalyptic stories can be great when really described well. Also, I think the people she sees should definitely be described. In a time like this people probably look poor and haggard. Describe how they look and act so we, the readers, can get a look into the mindset of people in this time. I think you have a great idea on your hands here! Keep writing, it can really go somewhere!
thank you
I really like this! In just a few sentences you set up a very good 'style' for the character, then kept it up for the rest of the part.
Sadly, even though Ren told us what it was like in this world, he didn't tell us what it looked liked. I really had to dig to find details. Continuing on details, sometimes I thought they were lacking. It was like: "I'm in San Francisco. Woah! Now I'm at the Golden Gate Bridge." If you know what I mean.
I think I only saw one very minor mistake where you forgot to space. One problem for me was the paragraphing. Or lack there of. To me, the story looked like a giant brick of words. No one wants to read a brick.
Overall, this is pretty good! You've set up a good start for a plot. With a little work, I believe this can go a long way.
Thanks for the advice. (I'm actually having a little problem with paragraphing. I don't know if it's my keyboard, or if I have to do something different on here to start a new paragraph ((besides press enter)) but I don't know how)