I was awakened by the blazing sun shining directly in my eyes. I slowly sat up and rubbed my eyes. The rain had stopped, and it had to be at least noon. When I stood, my body felt stiff and sore. I stretched for a minute, and then looked around. I almost had forgotten that we were outside. Then I remembered the girl with the followers and that man with a gun. I looked back to the direction we came from, but saw no one. I wanted to make sure they didn’t set up any traps for us.
I pulled my backpack on, and put the knife and gun in my belt loops again. I looked over at everyone sleeping, making sure I didn’t wake any of them. You should be waking at least one of them so they’ll know where you’re going! What If there’s traps out there? What if you get hurt? Or worse… Well, then at least I’ll be alone and they won’t have to see it happen.
I walked back about a mile and hadn’t seen a thing except trees, the river, and some moss. I decided I should turn and head back, but then I began to hear voices. I hid behind a rock as two men went down by the river. They had four empty canteens that they began to fill with water. Gross… are they going to drink that?
“How much longer do you think it’ll take?” the first man asked.
“Not sure. Probably not for a few months.” The second man replied. “That guy can move fast. And I’ve heard about his sister, Ren. That’s one sneaky bitch. She stole stuff from a military base and from Royce.”
“That dude with the eye patch?”
“Yeah, him. Last we heard she blew his ass up along with his boys.”
“Serves him right.” The two men began to laugh. When the canteens were full, they set them on the ground, and each pulled out a vial. They put two drops in each canteen, and then closed them. Is that iodine? How in the hell did they get their hands on that? “Do you think she’s awake yet? That Ren girl?”
“Doubtful. She’s been out for three days. There’s no way in hell she’s still alive.” The men started to walk off and I quietly followed behind them, staying behind cover so I wouldn’t be seen.
After another mile of walking to the east, we reached a camp. I stopped behind a big tree and watched the men enter this camp. The camp was makeshift, and obviously so. Tents were just cloth thrown over sticks, fires were messy with ash blowing everywhere, and supplies sat in a big pile in the middle of the camp. The supplies consisted of a crate of meds, three crates of clothes, two crates of first aid supplies, a few duffle bags with weapons, and then there was a cart full of ammo. They were all collected from military bases. A girl around the age of twenty stepped out from a tent. She had young looking features, black curly hair, brown eyes, and copper skin. She was thin too. That means she could move fast like me.
The two men walked up to her, and she told them to set the water over by the other supplies. She must be their leader. And with all the supplies she had, I can see why the people followed her. She walked over to a woman who was sitting kind of hunched over. When the woman moved, I realized that the other woman was hunched over a baby, and when I saw her face, I knew exactly who it was. Ellen. But if she’s here, where’s Daniel?
I eliminated the thought of Daniel out of my mind, and continued to follow the leader. She walked over to a stack of boxes, climbed on top, and said, “Everyone! Please listen.” The entire camp went silent as they gathered around. “We have new information on the whereabouts of boy who killed Eric.” People erupted into a low mutter, but she continued. “I know you’re all tired, but your efforts are being paid in food and medicine. The more you work, the more you get.” Well that’s why they’re following her… “Once the boy is executed, you may have your share off all the supplies.”
“Miss Corbin.” A feeble woman called from somewhere in the crowd. “Why is this boy so important? I mean, I understand that he killed Eric, but why the pursuit?”
“He stands in the way of a very important prize.” The low mutters stopped and all eyes went to her. “Do we all remember the famous thief? The one who could get into anywhere at any time and leave with whatever she could carry. Sometimes going undetected?” Some people uttered a yes and others just nodded. “He is her brother.” Gasps erupted from the crowd. “With him gone, she’ll have no choice but to come and join us where we have a promise of food, water, medicine, and shelter. And with the other two in their group, that means more helping hands.”
She continued to talk, but I knew I needed to get out of there and get us as far away as possible. So I headed back the way I came (but not before I grabbed some food and medicine.) When I finally reached where I last saw them, Kellin was walking around like a frantic mess. When he saw me, he ran up to me. “Where the in the HELL have you been?” Anger filled his voice. I haven’t heard him this angry since a boy punched me in the face in second grade. “We’ve been worried sick, Ren! You’ve been gone for at least two hours!”
“We need to go.” I replied. “They’re on their way.”
“Who? And you still haven’t answered my question!”
Marcy ran up to me, and hugged my legs. I smiled and helped her put on her backpack. “Those people that are after you. They’re on their way, and for all I know, they’re coming now.” Aiden took Marcy, and messed up my hair. A sign saying he was glad to see me.
“Wait. You went after them? Ren, what the hell is the matter with you? Do you have a death wish or something?”
“No! I-“
“Then what is it? What is it that you’re trying so hard to prove?!”
“Nothing! I just want-“
“What?! What could you possibly want?!”
“I just wanted to keep us safe!”
“Safe? Safe?! You call wondering out on your own safe? You could’ve died out there Ren. Does that even matter to you? Or were you planning on wasting your life so you could be done with all of this? With us?”
“Kellin, calm down. It was a mistake, and she’s back unhurt.” Aiden said trying to defend me.
“You, stay out of this.” Kellin said pointing to Aiden. Then he pointed to me, his eyes wild with anger. “And you. Learn to control yourself and stop acting like a little kid.”
This fight infuriated me. I’ve been trying to make him see… Make him see that I am NOT a little kid anymore, and he can’t treat me like one anymore.
With fury in my voice, I said, “Act like a little kid? Oh, please! I’ve been acting more grown up than you have in the past ten years! I don’t see you stepping forward to go make sure we’re all safe. No. It’s always me who has to do it. And which one of us has had their ass saved by the other more times? Sure as hell isn’t me. I know how to take care of myself, and I’ve been doing so long before you decided to show your face around here. You want to talk about not acting like a little kid, I think you need to go look in a mirror and see who has some growing up to do.” I walked off in a huff. Not caring if any of them followed me or not.
Ren, I think you took it a bit far. No way! I told him what I’ve wanted to tell him for years, and I finally got it off my chest. After a while I looked back and saw Marcy and Aiden right behind me, and Kellin was back a few feet from them with his head slumped down and his hands in his pockets.
The pleasure I felt in what I said had turned to guilt as I possessed exactly what I had said in my mind. I did take it too far… I was disappointed in myself for saying such things to him, and I wanted to apologize, but I had to get us somewhere safe first.
Just don’t forget. You owe him one.
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You have some suspense, action, and plot. All good. My technical suggestion relates to passive voice. You opened with it and so the story begins slow.
The first thing I read, "I was awakened". I struggle with passive voice a lot. I try to consider the direct approach when I write. "I was awakened' can become "I woke". If I see 'was' in a sentence I make sure it is for tense and not voice.
Nice job.
Thank you!
Hello there!
"Aiden said, trying to defend me."
Isn't it just a lovely YWS olympics day? This is Magenta here to write a review for you on your story that you've written, Endless: Part XI. I just have a few comments, questions, and suggestions, okay? I guess that there just counted as a question. Anyway, on with the review!
"I was awakened by the blazing sun shining directly in my eyes. I slowly sat up and rubbed my eyes. The rain had stopped, and it had to be at least noon. When I stood, my body felt stiff and sore. I stretched for a minute, and then looked around. I almost had forgotten that we were outside. Then I remembered the girl with the followers and that man with a gun. I looked back to the direction we came from, but saw no one. I wanted to make sure they didn’t set up any traps for us."
Since you already said that the sun was blazing, you don't really need to have shining after it. They are synonyms for each other, at least when you're talking about the sun.
You don't need a comma after and in the fifth sentence after and. You don't have a complex sentence here, just a sentence with a comma floating in the middle. You speak a bit too causally, I feel, when you you are talking about the girl with the followers and the man with the gun. I think that if that was in my memory, I'd be a bit scared or have some thoughts flowing through my head. It might be that he has more strength than I do.
"I pulled my backpack on, and put the knife and gun in my belt loops again." You don't need a comma here, either. or here and here.
"The two men walked up to her, and she told them to set the water over by the other supplies."
"I eliminated the thought of Daniel out of my mind, and continued to follow the leader."
I also noticed that you had the character's thoughts both bolded and italicized. I think that italicizing them is fine. But either way, the character has other thoughts in mind and you don't have those bolded and italicized. I don't think that its necessary. That's just a suggestion, nothing big but something I wanted to comment on.
I also remember seeing iodine being poured into their drinks. Is that safe for them to drink?
“We have new information on the whereabouts of boy who killed Eric.” Just place the word, "the", before the word, "boy" in this sentence.
"Some people uttered a yes and others just nodded." I would change this sentence to,"Some people uttered a, yes, and others just nodded." I think that "yes' should be separated between commas.
"Marcy ran up to me, and hugged my legs." Take out the comma here, as well.
Here's the part where you need a comma.
I like the twist that you had in here. At first, I thought that the main character was Ren's brother, not even thinking that it could be her. I love plot twists because they really add another sense to the story. Great job. Other than these few things that I've already stated, this was a well-written story hat will go quite far. I can't wait to hear some more.
~ Magenta
I tried doint the thoughts just in itallics, but people got confused. But thatks for the suggestions and the review