Alone, I'm as important as a brick,
But single bricks will never form a wall.
I'll let you push and throw me, take your pick.
But I'm so sturdy, I'll withstand it all.
I've always tried my best to never crack,
But I'm afraid one day I'll break away.
If I'm alone and no one has my back,
I shall not find a "why" for me to stay.
Together, though, I know we'll never fall.
We've got each other's back until the end.
Together we have formed a sturdy wall,
A wall I've built alongside you, my friend
Together we'll be better than the Great.
Together we can change the course of fate.
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
Hello, darling! Here to review! (This is going to be a familiar intro for you, haha. I especially like these sonnets.)
To begin, I like that you focused this sonnet on something so commonplace that people have a tendency to forget about it. Bricks are a part of everyday life, but since when has someone shown appreciation for a brick? It's always for bricks as part of a wall, or a walkway, or a fence, never on their own.
Now, as far as critique goes. Your meter in this one seems less steady than it was in #2 ; some of your lines read awkwardly as far as syllabic stress-release goes with the iambs. I feel like some of your lines could have benefitted from changing words and phrases around and perhaps even cutting a beginning syllable to have an altered pentameter - isn't anything wrong with messing with the format a bit. I feel like you could cut the "but" from stanza one, line 4, and it would flow better; I feel like "shall" in stanza two, line 4 is overly formal and feels odd in the setting; the comma at the end of stanza three, line 3 isn't correct - it should be a colon or a dash; and there should be a period at the end of stanza three.
There are my nitpicks on grammar and punctuation and flow, so now for the images. I don't feel like there were many strong images in this poem; I feel like you left them out in favor of having the sole image of a brick wall. While that can work, it begins to lose its strength after the second or third time, and even though this poem is technically about a brick, you can find other words to use - reinforced by steel bars, held together by concrete mortar, anything like that.
Overall, I don't think it's bad, but I don't think it's great. It's got potential. Keep writing!
Well hello there I'm here to write a review. Jessie filled you in with the important feed back, so since that was already accomplished I will just say that it's beautiful and is it wrong for me to say it's inspiring? It makes me feel powerful for some odd reason, which I usually don't feel because well I'm not a powerful person, I'm more of a lock away and keep quiet person. I actually in my opinion believe this would be a great song, maybe lyrics (weird I know)
Together, though, I know we'll never fall.
We've got each other's back until the end.
Together we have formed a sturdy wall,
A wall I've built alongside you, my friend
Together we'll be better than the Great.
Together we can change the course of fate.
I love the somewhat rhyming scheme going on, it's really catchy and it flows perfectly, keeping the reader engaged and not losing them to the point the reader would rather run and scream (over exaggeration XD) But yeah it was really great to read and really entertaining, thanks for sharing this and continue writing! Just keep in mind what jessie advised you, It's great! And of course like I always say rock on!
Wow. I am blown away. When I read your description I was thinking to myself: "How can someone write whole poem about bricks. This will probably suck." Well, you have proven me wrong as have so many things in my life. My favorite lines are: "I'll let you push me and throw me, take your pick. But I'm so sturdy, I'll withstand it all." This metaphor is just brilliant. Although, I believe that the rhyme for the last to lines was something that could be improved upon. the thinking behind this is very good though.
I'm back to review another of your sonnets! Again, congratulations on actually finishing some; I never can. I get stuck after the first two quatrains or so.
First of all, I have a formatting suggestion: don't center your poem; just place your lines on the left margin, where, regularly, most writing is. I once read in a book for young writers that centering poems is the mark of an amateur. Professional writers don't center their work, usually. The poem would also be easier to read if the lines were flush on the left margin. Just a heads up.
Secondly, to whom are you addressing this poem? In the first quatrain you say,
but in the last quatrain and the couplet, you say
Pushing and throwing don't seem to me the action of a friend... it seems that in the first reference to "you," the narrator is addressing someone else, someone who is an enemy or a bully or not a friend. But in the next mentions of "you," that person seems to be a friend who would not "push and throw." That's confusing. Make sure the person whom you are addressing remains consistent.
I also have another recommendation for this line: "I'll let you push and throw me, take your pick." If someone is supposed to take their pick, it might make more sense if the narrator said, "I'll let you push or throw me...."
"But I'm afraid one day I'll break away"? In the context of the line preceding it, this line seems somewhat strange. The narrator will "break away"? From what? If you're talking about "cracking" it might make more sense to simply say "break." But I realize that finding a rhyme and sticking to the structure of a sonnet without forcing rhymes on the poem can be extremely difficult.
Sort of awkward phrasing there. I understand that you're trying to find words that fit the iambic pentameter... but maybe if you found a different way to say what you're saying and still fit the sonnet's meter, that line would sound more pleasant to the ear.
Better than who? The Great who? That phrase doesn't make a lot of sense....
I hope that I have helped you by pointing out some confusing or forced places in the sonnet. I don't really have suggestions for fixing most of them, but hopefully once you know places that seem strange, you can figure out ways to fix them.
Keep writing!
~ jessiethought ~