Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Can you feel what I feel?
All that is left of me
Lost its reason to live.
Like a picked flower.
9 hours pass, yet naught, but
1 soul I have met, but
1 blink later, she was gone
No one can save me now.
Only Death will take me in.
What should I do but die?
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128,431 Literary Works • 671,489 Reviews
Love it! Too often I think of acrostic poems as a preschool activity, but you certainly done a great job at making a decent acrostic poem.
I interpret this as a person dying, and no one is there to call 911 for them. It's sort of upsetting, but amazing at the same time.
You did a fantastic job at writing an acrostic with numbers, that must have been so hard.
The flower bit is great! I love it.
And now I don't know anything else to say. There aren't any problems with this that I can find.
So. As it's Pokemon review day.... (Sing along please!!)
Spoiler
Like no one ever was
To catch them is my real test
To train them is my cause
I will travel across the land
Searching far and wide
Each Pokemon to understand
The power that's inside
Pokemon gotta catch them all its you and me
I know it's my destiny
Pokemon, oh, you're my best friend
In a world we must defend
Pokemon, a heart so true
Our courage will pull us through
You teach me and I'll teach you
Pokemon, gotta catch 'em all
Every challenge along the way
With courage I will face
I will battle every day
To claim my rightful place
Come with me, the time is right
There's no better team
Arm in arm we'll win the fight
It's always been our dream!
Wow, this is great! Generally acrostics can come off as very forced, but this one is very effortless. I love it. There are only a couple things that I would like to mention.
First of all, the first line makes me think of the Christmas carol Do You Hear What I Hear? and that's a little bit distracting, because then I sing it in the tune of the song. Maybe it's just me, but I would suggest rephrasing it to something like, "Can you feel it?" It's a bit more simple and still works with the poem.
Otherwise, there are a couple small grammar things. In a couple places, I would had one more word (a conjunction) to the end of the line, so that it flows into the next line effortlessly. Also, I'm fairly sure that there should be no comma after the word "naught".
Thank you so much for writing, I really enjoyed reading this!
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Derp. I misclicked. Anyway, I thank you for the review, and I'll certainly take your points into consideration next time I write an acrostic poem!
This is a little creepy, and I love the last line. It must have been hard to write an accrostic with numbers, but I am glad to say it worked fine. The only problem is that, because it is accrostic, the lines don't fit quite as well as they could. But this is very nit-picky. Overall leaves me with a very good impression.
Hope you find this helpful,
Take That You Fiend!
Thanks for your thoughts~ I speed-wrote this poem, you see, and it's one of, if not the first of its kind coming from my hand. It was more of a learning experience, and I hope to write much better in the future. I appreciate your taking your time to comment!
You-sa welcome!
Okay, so this was depressing in a way I can't even fathom - I think that happens when you end a poem in 'what should I do but die?'.
I only really have one point on this piece, which is that instead of using the number '1' in the poem, you should write it out as 'one'.
Otherwise I can't really critique this poem.
Thank you for your thoughts~ I was originally planning on writing out the numbers as words, but "911" is a phone number, and I didn't want to make the allusion unclear. I'll definitely try harder in the future, though! ^^;
I actually didnt even notice the 911. I just saw a 1, wow, unobservant points go to me