Marlon Grey rushed after his assailant down the streets of the city. The assailant turned a corner and Marlon followed, only to find that the assailant had disappeared. He turned to a man on the street.
"Quick! Did you see a man rush by here just now?"
"Why yes, I did," the man said.
"Great. Where-" was all that Marlon could say before the man started speaking.
"His name was Jonas, son of Darby, son of Tigger, son of Harvey, son of Jason, son of Harold, son of Abrir. He lives in the village of Arborhood, which is in reference to the many trees that grow there. The name was bestowed by Timothy, the mayor some seventy years before."
"Um..." Marlon said, puzzled at the man's information.
"Prior to that time the village was called "Sedontown, after a hero named Sedon. He was six feet tall, with long blond hair, azure blue eyes, tan skin, a pudgy nose. His shoe size was a size twelve and his waist was thirty inches. He liked long walks on the beach, romantic comedies, puppies, colorful clothing, writing, mud wrestling, midget wrestling, pornography, duels, archery, tennis, chess, boxing, running, jogging, skipping, twirling, dancing, prancing, romancing, necromancy, accounting, particle physics, opera, shimmering, spontaneous combustion, moon-walking, flying, digging, riding horses, riding bats, riding mosquitoes, insects, dinosaurs-"
"If you'll just tell me where he went, I'll be on my way," Marlon said anxiously.
"-making funny faces, laughing, crying, lions, tigers, bears, drinking, thinking, poetry, post offices, recycling, smoking, eating, sleeping, dominoes, turkeys, pigs, goats, cows, horses, camels, llamas, ducks, cats, dogs, frogs, blue whales, orcas, sharks, cuttlefish, octopi, laser surgery, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Lady Gaga..."
"LISTEN! I just want to know where the guy went! WHERE DID HE GO!" Marlon yelled.
"Sedon had a farm. One day he went out on his farm to check on his animals. The pigs were oinking, the ducks were quacking, the sheep were bleating, the horses were neighing, the cows were mooing, the dogs were barking, the cats were meowing, the hens were clucking, the chicks were cheeping, the roosters were cock-a-doodling, the llamas were spitting, the coyotes were howling, the parrots said 'Polly want a cracker,' the Greeks were fighting, and everything was fine, except something was wrong..."
"ENOUGH!" Marlon roared, drawing his blade.
"Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Ut eu sollicitudin ipsum. Suspendisse ut mollis enim. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Aliquam congue adipiscing lobortis. Sed molestie hendrerit sodales. Sed rutrum tincidunt magna, vel laoreet sapien ullamcorper et. Nulla venenatis accumsan tincidunt. Aenean sit amet consequat lectus. Pellentesque et fermentum tortor. Vestibulum ultrices ornare vehicula. In luctus pellentesque imperdiet. Aliquam arcu nisi, feugiat in interdum sed, sollicitudin in magna--"
The speaker was interrupted by the sharp sensation of Marlon's blade puncturing his lungs. The unhelpful info-dumper's mouth continued to move, but he was blessedly quiet, as quiet as a dying man can be. Marlon wasted no more time, he dashed down an alley and ran, hoping to catch sight of his assailant.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
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139,666 Literary Works • 672,646 Reviews
To be frank...don't worry about charecter relations, as long as the charecters exist, it's ok. The story is simply a cautionary tale, but a good one in the sense that it cautions an act that can't be helped(At least that's what I got). The paragraphs we're a little long, I think if you want to write a story about a senile man babbling, you could break it up.
Nitpicks!
It's cuttlefish, fool! Though cuttlefish are uncannily cuddly...
Should be enclosed in single quotes as they're quotations within quotations. Hooray for nesting?
But yes. This was hilarious, and the more outrageous the descriptions, the harder I laughed. The Lorem Ipsum section took the cake. The ending was quite satisfying, especially since I have a compulsion to read Every. Single. Word. On. The. Page. (Skimming? What is that?) And I thought that the soundlessly moving mouth was a nice touch.
It was nice to see a fun, parody piece. I've always had a soft spot for those, and there aren't that many posted on YWS.
hahah that was hilarious.
This meade me laugh so much I interupted my Sociology class... Anyway, well written and, strangly enough, it kept to the point at all times.
Good parody right there!
Griffypoo! Just one thing about your edit:
In luctus pellentesque imperdiet. Aliquam arcu nisi, feugiat in interdum sed, sollicitudin in magna."
I would replace the period with a double hyphen. I thought it was funnier when it seems like he's cut off in mid-sentence and then is subsequently stabbed to death. It's funnier!
I was hoping to demonstrate how bad info-dumping really is. Most info-dumping is irrelevant to the story and only takes away from the action. The pointless padding was intentional; the more pointless the better.
emoinpink, the stabbing scene at the end was meant to mirror the desire that the reader had. Killing the antagonist (aka the info-dumper) was really the only way to end it; you could say he had it coming. It's not something you want to read if you've got a headache though, it would just make it worse.
What. The f***.
I have to admit, I found it the crazy nonsensical babbling quite funny, until it turned into a graphic stabbing scene.
Maybe I'm missing the point about this whole story. Maybe I shouldn't have read it just after school and a three-day-long rainstorm. Maybe I need aspirin. Anyway, I'm confused, is what I'm trying to say.
I'm sure this was great. I'm just not in the mood. Sorry.
Overall, I felt like I didn't get to know Jonas. Can we get some more information on him? Like, maybe have some characters talk about him to give us something to work with. You know, his family, where he's from, anything really. Information is your friend!
~
"Assailant" three times in the first two sentences. My eyes. They weep.
A million things I did not need to think about just flashed through my head. My childhood = ruined.
Yes, I understand, parody and all that, but this one bit of anachronism bothered me. Anachronisms and all the goodness (or lack of) therein deserve their own cautionary tale. This seems so out of place, even among all the other out-of-placeness in the piece.
Lorem ipsum for the win! Though it comes across as amazingly non-sequiter. Felt a bit unnecessary, unless the point was to have pointless padding, in which case, I'd draw more attention to it and its faux Latin self as a device, rather making the reader wonder if they've suddenly forgotten how to read for a paragraph.
All in all, you, sir, are liked.
~GryphonFledgling
Oh dear, I think I've hurt myself. Do you want that on your conscience, interobang?!
But, no...I laughed myself into a coughing fit and coughed more upon choking on a carbonated beverage due to my laugh-coughing.
Anywho. I forced myself to read the whole thing, and my eyes kept wandering away from the paragraph. I had to hold them at squirt-gun-point to stay on task...but the ridiculousness of the descriptions were hilarious.
This should be somehow turned into an article or something. Moral of the story: if Vanana hurts herself reading amusing info-dumps, how do you think she feels reading non-amusing ones?
...this is amazing. Seriously.
Bye bye now!
PLAGIARIST. I expect to be paid big bucks for this pretentious load of crap that you stole from my six-year-old brain. WATCH OUT. I'll go back in time and tell her this. And then she shall weep emo tears and kill you! And you'll disappear! HA.
This should start on its own paragraph and "the" (at the beginning) should be capitalized.
I felt my eyes wandering and I couldn't finish each paragraph due to physical pain and an acute sense of nausea, so good job!