z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language

Mistaken Identity?

by GinaERufo


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

So, here it goes; I’ve succumb to the nearly viral trend of writing down your terrifying experiences and sharing them with the world in the hopes that others will have the same, or similar problems to yours. I don’t hope that, and I frankly don’t care if anybody reads this or not, I just want it all to be written down. So, I guess I will get right into this.

My name is Violet Ivers. I’m nineteen, and currently six months pregnant with twin boys. I’ve always been a loner and kept to myself, my favorite place in the world being my bedroom because I don’t have to socialize there. I have been especially detached from the outside world as of late though, because this pregnancy has taken such extreme tolls on my body that I have been on bedrest. Between my veganism, allergies to nuts and watermelon, making my desire to eat practically nonexistent, and constant rashes and broken bones, I am no stranger to hospitals, but although my body has been screwing me over these past six months, I have almost never left the safety of my covers.

When you spend so much time in the company of no one other than your unborn babies and cat, neither of which can answer you or speak their mind, you start to look for human contact elsewhere. So, my computer never leaves my side. I spend hours watching youtube videos and talking to strangers on chat rooms under my persona “Ivy Violetta” A play on my first and last names, and a character I created when I used to write stories in second grade. My trouble started in early September, a little less than a week ago. It was my younger brother’s first day of school. My brothers are fifteen and eleven, so my parents still had to drive them to their schools, and then to work, so I had the house to myself for a few hours, although the other four people living with me knew that I would probably never leave my “cave”.

This day though, I woke up with stomach pains, different than the morning sickness that had plagued me throughout my pregnancy. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom, sighing because I was absolutely ready to get these babies out! Now, I’m thinking they would be more safe not in the real world, but I will talk about that more later. Anyhow, I had spent the last half of the year with pains, aches, stretch marks, growing feet, nose, and cheeks, hot sweats, dizziness, and anger. My once long, slender figure was now awkward and stocky, and my weight of 121 pounds, very skinny for my 5’7 stature, had grown significantly.

And so, I brushed my teeth, rubbed my stomach, and went down the stairs to feed the cat. I was only in the kitchen for maybe five minutes before I trekked up the stairs back into the cave, and under the comfort of my blankets. My computer was sitting opened on my bed, from the night before, and I reached forward for it to see if I had received any messages. I had. I know it may seem cliché, but I wish I never opened that message.

It was from an anonymous user, and simply read

“Dear Girl, I know who you are, though you may not know yourself. You can not leave, and will never hide. I am always here, just one step behind you. Watch out.”

My first thought? Damn, there are some weirdos in the world. That was all. I opened a new tab and started to watch some storytime youtubers talking about their first ghost encounters, just a way for me to take up time, when I heard a ding from my computer.

“Florentina my love, you can not leave me. Ever. Remember that, dear.”

Anonymous again, and fucking stupid. I responded with a laughing face, saying

“I think you have the wrong girl, sorry”

And got no responses for days. With that, I moved on. I didn’t tell anybody, because there was no point! The message was stupid, and since the user was anonymous, I figured they were trolling. I mentioned it to my boyfriend this morning though when he came over to visit. We were on my bed and the computer dinged. With a laugh, he stole the computer from me, opening it, and then laughing hysterically.

“You are cheating on me with this loser?” He asked, turning the screen to face me.

“Cheating on you?” I asked, getting up slowly from the bed and walking toward him. Another anonymous message, this one with a photo attachment. The picture was of a painting of a young couples standing on the edge of a mountain. There clothes looked elegant and extravagant, and since I always paid attention in school I deducted that they were from ancient Greece or Rome. The message?

“Florentina, why do you avoid my love? We will be together, even with oceans and time parting us.”

“Florentina?” He asked, and I spent the next hour explaining to him that this guy had messaged me before with the same name, and that was it. Luckily my man has a sense of humor, and accepted, like me, that the person was trolling. I wish I could write more, seeing as the story probably seems uneventful and stupid, but I have online school tomorrow and it is three in the morning, so I have to sleep. I promise I will continue to write tomorrow, but I want to see how, since I will spend all of today, in a few hours, on my computer, If I will get any more messages. Stay tuned for updates.


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Tue May 22, 2018 12:14 pm
wh1plash wrote a review...



This ticks me off so much because I also spend so much time on the internet but not to the point where it will happen like this. The only thing that I did not expect was it was not a cliffhanger, when writing these kinds of genre, as a reader and a newbie writer, I tend to have a cliffhanger and an intense "what just happened" feeling on the reader so that they will be hooked and to enjoy the flow of the story. The start was good at first, just minor errors like describing too much or not having an exact emotion for a certain action or it was just a bit lengthy that made it obvious. I actually saw the recent chapters but I just want to start on the first one. The title is catchy but the ending here im kinda not impressed about it. But it's still great! Keep it up!




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Wed Sep 20, 2017 9:48 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey there!
I don't normally review novel chapters, so I'll keep this brief.

I really like the format/premise of this piece -- the whole internet stalker/secret message thing isn't a plot that's been done a million times. I'm curious about whether the two will meet in person or if this will be all over the internet, because it seems like it might be hard to keep the suspense going if all the drama's playing out on the screen. At this point though, I did find the piece engaging, and I find myself wondering "what happens next?"

A few questions I had at the end of the chapter that maybe you'll clarify in further installments, or could maybe clarify in this section:

what does she mean by telling her story to the "world" -- is she posting what we're reading on like an internet chat forum?

What's our narrator's back story especially their family situation -- having her as a young pregnant woman is already interesting, but I am really curious about her living situation and like all the basic of who she is -- like does she have a job? what are her goals? etc.

Also the boyfriend character kind of swooped in there without much description, he seems overly suspicious of his girlfriend here and possibly possessive so far. So I'll be interested to know his back story too and if their relationship is a mostly positive or negative one.

So far, one of main things I really liked about your writing style is how insistent and present the narrator is. Their voice really comes through in your writing so far.

Best,
~alliyah




GinaERufo says...


<3 Hi again! To answer your questions,

-yes, Violet is posting this on a type of website similar to YWS where tons of people can share their weird stories...like reddit. I can talk about it more in the fourth part if that would help
-Her backstory will be revealed...just you wait!
-I want you to try and think about Harvey and how they communicate with each other as a young unmarried couple expecting twins...and tell me any of your theories



alliyah says...


Gina, yeah I think a little bit of background on what the internet site that they're posting on would be helpful, especially if there are readers that aren't familiar with like online forums. Of course, part of the fun is letting the reader kind of piece it together too, so you don't need to be like super detailed about it, just maybe a few lines.

I'll keep thinking on the relationship between Harvey/Violet too, and look for clues in coming chapters.



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Sat Sep 02, 2017 2:57 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ stopping by for a review, courtesy of RevMo

Between my veganism, allergies to nuts and watermelon, making my desire to eat practically nonexistent,
This should be rewritten "Between my veganism and my allergies to nuts and watermelon, my desire to eat had been practically nonexistent".

I spend hours watching youtube videos and talking to strangers on chat rooms under my persona “Ivy Violetta”, a A play on my first and last names, and a character I created when I used to write stories in second grade.


ThereTheir clothes looked elegant and extravagant, and since I always paid attention in school I, deducted that they were from ancient Greece or Rome


Ooh, this was intriguing, but it lacked some of the horror element that I had expected. It had a good buildup to something that I assumed would be very creepy and shell-shocking, but it fell a little bit short of that. That might be in part due to the fact that the ending seemed rushed and unnatural.

I also thought that the interactions with the stranger didn't warrant a lot of consideration. Perhaps if there was more of a threat, or something that made the message seem more urgent, like "I'm coming for you, so you'd better run away with your boyfriend" or reveal a personal detail about Violet's life that would make it obvious he knew more about her than she had revealed on YouTube.

So overall, this story didn't hold my interest that much and felt a little bit flat. I enjoyed the premise of a pregnant 19-year-old who had little interest in anything besides staying in and watching YouTube all day, but I would have liked to see a little more drama. Maybe her parents try and force her to get out and exercise, or she has conflicts with her friends, or a fight with her boyfriend, something to spice it up a bit. I'm on my way to review the next chapter, so until next time, don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions, and keep writing!

Best wishes,
MJ
Image




GinaERufo says...


Thank you so much for the review! This chapter was really me attempting to test the waters and see what people like, so I'm glad you wrote your own preferences. I'm also happy to say that I think I have covered all of what you said in the next two chapters, so hopefully you read and review them and they capture your attention more :)



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Sun Aug 27, 2017 7:00 am
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Dulcet wrote a review...



Hey there, GineERufo! I'm here to review this for Review Day, if you don't mind. I'm still working on my review skills and style, so I apologise if anything I say is a bit iffy. With that said, there is just one problem that prevents me from fully enjoying this story/chapter, and it's the only thing I'll really talk about in this review. Everything else about this work is pretty darn good - I might not say much about the good parts, but please know that I enjoyed reading this work quite a lot! C:

So! To get straight into it, the problem is: the prose is quite clunky.

It definitely needs some work. Because this is in first person, I expect the narrative to sound natural, like a real person talking. Unfortunately the prose doesn't make me feel that way; I think it's because of your use of commas, and the fact that you're trying to cram as much information as you can into each sentence. Don't be afraid to break your ideas up with periods/full stops! It's much easier for the reader to process information when they can pause between each idea (since that's what a period represents), rather than taking it all in at once.

The most notable example of this problem:

Between my veganism, allergies to nuts and watermelon, making my desire to eat practically nonexistent, and constant rashes and broken bones, I am no stranger to hospitals, but although my body has been screwing me over these past six months, I have almost never left the safety of my covers.


There's a lot of ideas here that should be split up into at least two sentences. As it is currently, the sentence is too loooong; I lost the flow and purpose of it somewhere along the way, so I had to reread it a few times... but frankly, I still don't know what this sentence is actually trying to say.

So to reiterate my advice: just take your time and split up each of your ideas with periods or fullstops. Or, if you feel confident enough, use different bits of punctuation - dashes, semi-colons, colons, etc. - so that the reader at least has some visual indicators to separate the ideas. Just make sure to use them correctly.

The good thing about all the information you're trying to pack in, is that you've clearly put a lot of thought into the who, what, where, why, and how of this story - and I appreciate that a lot. That extra detail really helps immerse the reader into the story and makes it seem real.

That being said, my main point is: you can space that detail out so that the reader doesn't get lost or confused. Aside from the frustration of confusion, readers will probably go back and reread the last few sentences to get the gist of what you're saying. You'll want to minimise rereading as it will break that immersion.

Aside from the clunkiness of this work, I really liked this! I'll definitely be on the lookout for the next part of this, because of two reasons:

1) I'm unsure of the timeline of this all, i.e. the order of events. Depending on how the second chapter goes, I'll be saying something about that in my next review. I feel some more context is needed before I can confidently say anything about the timeline; the problem might just be me being slow in the head. :lol:

2) The messages that Anonymous sent really ARE creepy and I wonder who it is and what they want from Violet. A potential stalker? Is it really just a case of mistaken identity? I'm also wondering about that 'historical fiction' tag. Is the picture of the ancient Greece/Rome a hint? These questions certainly do leave me curious and wanting more. I definitely look forward to seeing more of the horror aspect to this.

And that's all I have to say! I apologise if nothing I said helped; feel free to PM and yell at me if you need to. If not to yell at me, please also feel free to ask questions if anything I said was unclear.

Thank you for the enjoyable read, and I hope you have a nice day/night~!




GinaERufo says...


Hi Dulcet!

Thank you for this review it was super helpful. A lot of the things that you pointed out were supposed to be character quirks that I planned on pointing out in the next part, but I can see why they would be confusing without a lot of explanation. As you mentioned, I created this character nearly a year ago and have spent all of this time trying to get to know how her brain works--so much time, that I seem to have forgotten that the readers don't know her as well as I do, and need context for certain things.
I plan to use your critiques in the next part, which should be up within the hour, and I hope that you continue to enjoy and review my work :)



GinaERufo says...


I just put the second part up :)



Dulcet says...


Ohh, great! I read through it and already saw some improvement, so great job on that :D It'll be the first thing I review for RevMo, which is just a few days away. :)



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Sun Aug 27, 2017 6:21 am
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GreenTulip wrote a review...



Hello, Green Tulip here to give you a review! My first in a long time, mind you, so if it isn't very good please keep that in consideration!

Okay, so I clicked onto your story because the title plus the description had caught my attention. Which is a good thing when you think about it. Though about half way through this I found myself not really wanting to finish it. Even though I did finish it, I felt like I had missed vital parts to this story.

It felt rushed at the end when you explained with the messages and such. I feel like you spent far too much time on the first part of the story- her backstory and such- and kinda rushed through the rest. I would recommend going back in and editing a little bit. I mean I get that it was meant to be a girl writing out her story in like a diary thing, but rushing doesn't always help though.

It was good though! Just gotta work out that kinks.

~GreenTulip




GinaERufo says...


Hi GreenTulip!

Thank you so much for your review! I agree, I left out significant plot points to the story because I thought that maybe it would draw people in more because they were just waiting to find out the answer. I see now that it could disinterest people, but I don't regret trying it out. To be honest, the ending was rushed because I was up writing at 2 in the morning and was EXHAUSTED! I thought that maybe it would represent Violet not being able to write for hours, or even her hesitation to share her story with strangers, but I see now that it looked quite sloppy.

I hope you continue to read and review the rest of my story :) The next part should be up within the hour



GinaERufo says...


I just put the second part up :)



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Sat Aug 26, 2017 10:46 pm
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Oh my god this is so creepy! It sounds like something straight out of a horror movie. I hope everything works out.




GinaERufo says...


I guess you'll have to read the next part to find out ;)



GinaERufo says...


I just put the second part up :)





Ok thanks for letting me know.




A memorandum isn't written to inform the receiver, but to protect the writer.
— Dean Acheson