Hi :) So a lot of research went into making sure that this was a historically correct poem, so please enjoy
The man leaned against the hard wood of the bar, the brim of his hat low and hiding his features.
The eyes below the hat peered around the crowded bar, taking in the drunk creatures.
He tapped his hand against his pocket, feeling for the gun that he kept by his side
smiling like he knew a secret, but if you asked the witnesses, it was a snide.
Charles Fischetti was his given name, but Trigger Happy was how he was known.
A chauffeur from Chicago, and the cousin of Al Capone.
He scratched at his chin, and grunted a little, for his client was late
And his situation was great.
As his friend Frank Sinatra's voice pierced the air from the stage
The Italian mobster felt nothing but rage.
As the lights in the place dimmed and the crowd dispersed
So the gangster's heart began to burst
His cousin, he knew, would be angry no doubt
As soon as he escaped from prison, got out
And so Charles Fischetti leaned against a table
And tried to listen to Sinatra. At first he was able
But as "Homesick, that's all" began to play and "Dream" had finished
Charles gave up, and did the job. Vanquished.
And now, in an Alleyway nearby
He realized that he had an alibi
For when questioned by the fuzz early the next morn
It wasn't he they would scorn
Because the men on the ground could not provide
What Sinatra had applied
In that bar, so dark and musky
Where all gangsters, lanky and husky
Went to do the work of their entourage leader
To Old Blue Eyes' sweet meter
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Hello again, GinaERufo! PastelSlushie here for a review! Let's get right into it! I'm not a fan of poetry, and I know little about it, so sorry if the points I make are invalid.
First comment: Capitalizing the beginning of every line, I believe, is unnecessary. I understand people have different stylistic choices when it comes to poetry, but maybe just the beginning line capitalized? I have a poetic friend, and he says that one stanza counts as one sentence, and the first line only needs to be capitalized. Like I said before, everyone has different stylistic choices, it was just something I wanted to talk about.
Second comment: Again, this was your stylistic choice I'm guessing, but it's also something I wanted to point out. Punctuation. I don't know much about flow and such, but I think this could go along easier if there were commas. Maybe put one on the first and third line? When I was in third grade, I wrote poetry like that. It's just something I'm used to when I look at poetry. Stupid little me used to think all poetry was written with the same formatting. Haha.
Well, that's the end of this review. Sorry if I was harsh in anyway you didn't like, and I'm sorry for not giving a proper review. Keep writing!
Pastel
Hey there GinaERufo,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review
OVERALL: Before I get more into my normal overall opinions of this piece, I wanted to talk about Poetry vs Prose:
Poetry: noun
1.the art of rhythmical composition, written or spoken, for exciting pleasure by beautiful, imaginative, or elevated thoughts.
2.literary work in metrical form; verse.
Poetry is language spoken or written according to some pattern of recurrence that emphasizes relationships between words on the basis of sound as well as meaning. This pattern is almost always a rhythm or meter (regular pattern of sound units). This pattern may be supplemented by ornamentation such as rhyme or alliteration or both.
Prose: noun
1.the ordinary form of spoken or written language, without metrical structure, as distinguished from poetry or verse.
2.matter-of-fact, commonplace, or dull expression, quality, discourse, etc.
Prose is the form of written language that is not organized according to formal patterns of verse. It may have some sort of rhythm and some devices of repetition and balance, but these are not governed by regularly sustained formal arrangement. The significant unit is the sentence, not the line. Hence it is represented without line breaks in writing.
**Now I understand that there is such a format known as prose poetry which is poetry written in prose instead of using verse but preserving poetic qualities such as heightened imagery, parataxis and emotional effects. Which I am going to assume was style of this poem. However with your piece it really felt like I was reading a short story that was just broken down into individual lines [particularly at the beginning] the only problem with this was the fact that I didn't feel like I was actually reading a poem which made me a little bored with the piece. I do like the idea though, it was really interesting and in fact I would suggest turning this into a free verse prose poem. Doing so I feel like you can go a long way with this. Any way, lets get on with the rest of the review.
1. You don't need to capitalize every single line. Think of it this way, if you were to take this and move it around until it resembled a paragraph, you wouldn't want to have randomly capitalized words in the middle of it would you? That implies here. Unless the line is the beginning of a new sentence you shouldn't capitalize it. Doing so can make it strenuous to read and deter your readers from continuing the piece.
2.Just like capitalization you don't need punctuation in every single line. But taking what I mentioned in the line-by-line, you should leave a large chunk without punctuation. Remember, everywhere that there is a period or comma, your readers are going to stop. The more there are, the more your readers are going to take breathers. To much punctuation can hurt the flow of your piece and in turn can hurt the impact the piece has on your reader.
3. This was an interesting poem. Despite all I said, I did like it. I think you have a sold idea that just needs to polished up a bit.
All in all, if you have questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.
Thank you. I could understand where someone may get confused, but I think if you were to read into the poems and begin to understand the words, it would become clear. Tell me if you need anything cleared up
Also, a lot of the things, like his heart bursting, are historical so I can't explain that to you
Ok, well when I read and review poetry I do read into them [or I try to as much as I can] what ever I say in my reviews is my opinion based off of what I can see and analyze the first time through. Not everyone is going to understand what you're trying to say in your writing and some people will mention that they don't understand --- so piece of advice, don't tell them that if they just read into a little more they would understand. Somethings just don't come to people no matter how many times they go over it. When I said that it became confusing I wasn't trying to be rude, I was just trying to point out the places that you [as the writer may want to look at a little closer] as to avoid conflicts with your readers. Now other people may not see what I see, I get that but you shouldn't brush it off just because you cant agree.
Alright, I understand. If you, or anybody else, would like to PM me I can explain to you