author's note: this poem is a sporadic little rhyme that I came up with at 5 in the morning after pulling an all nighter. I imagine this from the perspective of my character Carrie-Ann Walsh, whom, if you have not read my novel that I am writing I highly suggest that you do, is an 18 year old Irish girl who dreams of making it big in show business in America. Enjoy :)
The sea makes us sick
Hundreds of people all on one deck
We eat, we breath, we sleep together
We try
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The sea makes us sick
Disease, pain and hunger surround me
We watch, we wait, we wish together
We cry
--------------------------------------------------------
The sea makes us sick
I miss my family and mourn my home
We fight, we pray, we love together
We die
----------------------------------------------------------
Home is so far away
My family awaits news of arrival
I try
I cry
I die
The sea makes me sick
But I eat
I breath
I sleep
I watch
I wait
I wish
I fight
I pray
I love
----------------------------------------------------------
The sea makes us sick
But then we all see her, standing proud
Lady liberty, her presence loud
A home. A house. A brick
author's note; In case some of you are confused by the lack of rhyming, I did that on purpose and instead made a syllable and rhythmic pattern, this is what is looks like:
5, 9, 9, 2
5, 9, 9, 2
5, 9, 9, 2
then, similarly to how a storm might throw the ship away from its course, my poem loses it rhyme until the final stanza, which is
5 (sick), 9 (proud), 9 (loud), 6 (brick)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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I love it. I can see the girl's excitement as well as her longing. I also see the practical side, you get seasick. Keep up the good work.
I love historical fiction and when it is in verse it is awesome.
I think that you should mention her dreams in the show business in the poem.
I will definitely read your novel.
I think you have a lot of potential.
Please follow me.
I really like your poem.
Hello, GinaERufo! Gxldencrxwns here for a review! Let's get right into it, shall we?
First comment: In the first, second, third, and fifth stanza, I feel the line "The sea makes us sick" is a tad bit unnecessary. You make your point throughout the whole poem and the repetition is needed. It would be completely fine if you left that line in the first stanza, maybe even a final line in the ending stanza as well, but that's really it.
Second comment: The fourth stanza is a little weird to me. With the lack of punctuation and the two worded lines let me imagine that the reader has to read the whole stanza without taking a break to stop and catch their breath. I'm one of those people who read poems out loud when viewing them to point out mistakes, and I had to take numerous breaks in this stanza. This is mainly because my lungs were smaller than regular size when I was born, but I'd suggest putting some commas every now and then. If that was a stylistic choice, then I understand.
Well, that's the end of this review! Sorry for having not much to say, because there wasn't much wrong with it! Have a nice day/night, and keep writing!
~gxldencrxwns
Thank you for the review! Yes,eveything you and others pointed out was a stylistic and creative choice, but it's okay to not find it your style
I don't know what your motivation was behind this but it struck a cord for me This is great i am an immigrant to the US and i would like to say thank you this sums up our struggle. now on to the review:
The poem itself is great but the rhymes should be a little more stronger as this is too grounded into reality i have always associated poetry with mystery and illusion where the writer tricks the reader but in the end the work always means something because the reader may interpret it differently and a poem like this i associate with the word glory so a few stanzas more and a litle more about lady liberty will put the cherry on top of this.
Anyways loved this and hope to see more fromyou. Keep up the good work
Thank you! I'm glad that I was able to move something in you with this, all of my inspiration comes from my immigrant grandmother. Anyway, if you want to see more suspenseful, whimsical poetry; I just wrote another one if you wanted to check it out
I thought I would take a little bit of a creative risk on this one, which is why its all over the place (to symbolize a boat rocking) but I'm grateful for your review anyway
Hi GinaERufo!
Whatcha here for a review!
Well, I like the idea and structure of this poem. However, I have a problem with the rhyming.
''The sea makes us SICK
But then we all see her, standing PROUD
Lady liberty, her presence LOUD
A home. A house. A BRICK''
Those rhyme nicely. But other stanzas don't, like,
''The sea makes us sick
I miss my family and mourn my home
We fight, we pray, we love together
We die''
I understand die rhymes with cry, in the stanza before, but the rhyming structure doesn't stay the same. So I would probably get rid of the rhyming, or rhyme everything the same way, if that makes sense?
Also, if you repeat 'the sea makes us sick' a lot, it will lose its meaning. Try changing it up - 'the monster makes us feverish', etc.
Also, in the second last stanza, it kind of contradicts itself. 'I die', and then 'I breath'. Don't know if this was purposeful . . . ?
I know you wrote this in the morning, but actually . . . I like the meaning behind this poem. And it's your first poem, no criticism, it's great!
Keep writing!
~whatcha
Thank you! My plan was for their to be less of a rhyming scheme and more of a syllable scheme, so you will notice that there is a syllable pattern between all of the stanzas, except obviously the last one. As for the sea makes us sick, like an immigrant will experience the constant swaying of a ship, I too wanted to make that line repetitive and even a little annoying to the reader so they can, in a way, but in the same shoes as the character. I die and I breath are also supposed to be written that way. The contradict each other and provide two point of views; she is dying because she misses her life back home and the sea is...MAKING HER SICK as you know lol but she is breathing in the new life ahead of her. Thank you so much for the review your comments mean a lot to me
You're welcome!