We had been sitting there, freezing in the cold for a few minutes, but the warmth of our bodies slowly changed. It almost felt… hot. I slowly opened one eye, and saw that we were in the middle of a grassy field. He then slowly opened his eyelids as well, and gasped at the sudden change of scenery. I still felt wet and shivering from the cold water and ice, but I felt myself dry off in the natural sun. But I soon looked upward, and realized that it wasn’t the sun, it looked a hell lot like Jupiter. I noticed the red eye on the planet, and gasped.
“Dan!” I shook him, and he stared up at the planet. “I don’t remember this place.” He bit his lip lightly.
I grabbed him by the strings of his plain grey hoodie, and tugged on them, as if telling him to get up. I blushed lightly, remembering the tender moment of us hugging each other and approaching what I thought were to be our inevitable deaths. I knew deep in my heart that I was starting to develop a sort of feeling towards him, but I had to keep my main goal in mind; getting home.
He gently pulled on a lock of my hair and examined it. I assumed he was looking at the vibrant color of red, as if he had never seen it before.
“Did you ever get the chance to go home?” I asked him, wondering why he had stayed her for all these years.
“I didn’t tell you?” He looked to me. I shook my head and waited for him to explain.
“Well, no. I’ve definitely been searching, but I gave up after awhile.” He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. I stared blankly at him. “That’s going to be an issue, because I need to get home!” I panicked and looked towards him with a fearful expression. I knew he could see the fear in my eyes that I’d never get back, and he spread his arms out for a sympathetic embrace. I let out a long sigh and took his invitation for an embrace. I threw my arms around his waist and twiddled my thumbs behind his back. We stood there for a little while, not knowing what to do, so I cleared my throat, as a sign for him to let go, and stepped back away from him.
“Should we… get going?” He shrugged and looked me in the eyes. I simply nodded and looked toward the ground, avoiding eye contact.
I didn’t know what was up with me, but after that hug things seemed to feel a bit off. I looked up to him for a split second, and he shot me a glance into my eyes. I suddenly looked back toward the ground, hearing him let out a small chuckle.
I smiled at the ground and walked with him, trying not to let him see. But he seemed to notice, and smiled back at me as well. I let out a short sigh and looked up to the sky, gasping at what I saw. I pointed towards, directing Dan’s attention from my smile to the huge steampunk-like zeppelin I saw. It was like a pirate ship in the sky, with a huge ballon keeping it up. It was beautiful and majestic, like a true builder took years and years to make it. There were wooden fancy decorations on it that made it look absolutely stunning in the light blue sky.
Dan chuckled and looked towards me. “That’s something you don’t see every day.”
I gave him a daring look, and he simply cocked an eyebrow, waiting to hear what I was thinking. I didn’t say, but instead I acted. We both ran towards it, racing to be the first one to get on it. When we were both directly under it, it began to sink down towards the ground. We backed up from where we were, and waited for it to come to us. It appeared to be much bigger at this level, right in front of us.
End of chapter
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Hi, xJupiter! RagingLive here again from Team Tardis (Corbomite)!
Okay, first of all, this was a very interesting chapter. I'm not normally a huge follower of fantasy, but this novel definitely has my attention. I think that you're a really good writer to get someone like me hooked on this in the first place, but then keep me hooked until the very end. Bravo, simply bravo.
Here I have a little tiny nitpick. Dan has already gasped in this same paragraph so this is repetitive and can be monotonous to a reader. Maybe if you said that 'I gasped as well' or say that 'Dan drew in a sharp breath' also, feel free to look up synonyms for 'gasp' to make your chapter more colorful.
Where the quotation starts, you should have it on a new line because a different person is now talking. Also, after staring blankly at Dan, Ophelia panics and looks toward him. You should probably pick one time here when you want Ophelia to look at Dan so it doesn't confuse other readers.
This might make a little bit easier to read if you insert 'anything' before the comma, like this:
"I didn't say anything, but instead, I acted."
Maybe switch 'wooden' and 'fancy' so that it flows and makes a bit more sense.
I would have liked to have seen more visual of what the ship actually looked like, but I think that overall, you handled it fairly well! Good job!
I also feel like the ending could have been a bit more dramatic, but then again, what do I know?
Now I'll be moving onto the next chapter for Team Tardis!
Keep writing and keep on smiling!!
~RagingLive
Aw man! That description of the zeppelin sounds super rad! I'm so excited to learn more about it in the next chapter!
It's jumpingsheep here for another review!
I think that's it's really in this chapter that you're really starting to form a defining voice for Ophelia. I'm really starting to hear her voice come through, so congrats on that!
I think that the relationship between Dan and Ophelia is also really beginning to take shape in this chapter. I like how you are developing their relationship slowly and letting it form naturally over time. It makes their feelings seem much more realistic.
I don't really have much to critique, so I guess I'll be moving on to the next chapters as soon as I can!
Hey, xJupiter!
YES, THEY SURVIVED!! Ok. So, onto the mini review.
I liked this chapter. I appreciated the awkwardness, being a very awkward person myself. I liked the idea of the floating pirate ship thing as well. I don't really have much to say... So... I'm excited for the next chapter!
I'm glad you've been following the novel!
Arigato!