Lightning struck near me, and my boat completely tipped over! I grabbed onto it and saved the oars just in time. I began to worry about what my parents would think when I got back, would they ever believe me?
The storm passed moments later, and I had managed to turn my boat the right way. So I grabbed on, and pulled myself back onto it. My clothes were soaked, as well as my hair. I grabbed onto all my hair and squeezed it to get most of the water out. I then grabbed the oars and dropped them onto the boat. I sighed loudly in frustration. I was starting to wish Dan were here.
I then placed the oars into position and began to row the boat again. The weather calmed down and returned back to a sunny day. I looked ahead of me and saw something odd. It was like half of the endless ocean was a frozen wasteland, and the rest was a normal ocean. I looked toward the snow and ice before me. It was snowing in that area, but where I was, it was clear weather. “I guess it makes sense for this world… because it’s not supposed to make sense?” I sighed and placed a palm on my face in confusion. My head began to hurt, I didn’t know what to think. I then looked up and saw Dan standing there on the ice, waiting for me.
I rowed a bit faster toward him. He seemed to notice how wet I was, and tried to stifle a laugh.
“Did you have a little… tip?”
He burst out laughing at me. I looked to the miserable snow and growled under my breath. I stepped out of the boat as he reached his hand out to help me. I grabbed it and tried to steady myself on the ice. “You’d better keep hold of my hand, you could fall.” He cautioned me. I looked up at him with an I’m-not-a-baby expression.
I happily slid around the ice, even though I was freezing and didn’t want to move at all, I knew the motion would warm me up. I disregarded the fact that I could easily trip and fall, and just had a bit of fun sliding around. Dan then followed after me, doing the same. We both laughed and fell on our butts. It felt like we were little kids again! I then fell and face planted onto the ice. “Agh!” I groaned as I tried to get up, but slid back down again trying. Dan reached out, and I grabbed his hand.
“No more falling, it’s all soft snow ahead.”
He pointed ahead of us to the white snow. I smiled with glee and slid towards it. I then grabbed a ball of snow and chucked it at Dan. As soon as it hit him, he started flailing like an octopus. “Gah!” He exclaimed.
We both laughed and continued our journey down the cold, flat, land. Dan began to wonder if we had done something wrong.
“It’s been a long time. Are you sure we’re going the right way?” I looked to him, keeping my walking pace.
He nodded anyway, even though he doubted himself. I shrugged and kept walking with him, hand in hand, as to keep warm and not slip.
“Ophelia.” He caught my attention as we walked, “I might be wrong.” He admitted to me.
I stopped and flicked him on the forehead, and continued to walk. “We still have to try.” I told him. I felt my stomach rumble once again, and I looked all around us. It seemed like nothing but snow for miles; just like the forest.
“Dan… are we going to die here?”
I asked him after we had been walking for hours. I was cold, hungry, and I wanted to go home. But every moment I felt I was going to die, I would end up somewhere else. Dan simply nodded.
“I believe so.”
He sighed and sat down on the snow. I sat next to him, and we simply hugged each other closely to keep warm. We both closed our eyes and waited.
End of chapter
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jumpingsheep here again!
On a completely coincidental note, your paragraphs were broken really well in this chapter! Nice!
This story so far reminds me of a dream sequence, where the landscape changes in a very lucid and flowing fashion.
I'm very excited to see what happens next, they seem to be in a little bit of a pinch. Don't die Ophelia and Dan! Hang in there!
One thing I think you could think about more is the concept of "show don't tell". In one part, you mention "Dan began to wonder if we had done something wrong." Instead of saying that, show that he is doubting them, maybe through something he says! This will help the read relate more to the characters' plight and their emotions.
Hey, xJupiter!
No, no, no, No!!!!! They can't die out there!!!!!! At least not until they do something else that is sweet. *crosses arms determinedly* These guys will survive.
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This exclamation point seems almost out of place. Yes, this is exciting and crazy, but I just feel like the exclamation point is almost forced upon the sentence. I'd use a period instead.
Original~
She's already previously stated that she grabbed the boat, and I don't *think* she lost her grip, but I may be wrong. So...
Suggestion~
You use the word "then" a lot , and it isn't really needed. I'd cut it out of all the below sentences:
(I'd also add a "again" after "up" in this sentence
I'd cut out the "anyway"
Overall, this was another good chapter. I really hope Ophelia and Dan end up being ok!
~Myth
I had no idea you were into it so much! I didn't even see this review before I went to check up on my chapters. Thank you! And I like the way you organized this review.
Of course I'm into it!!! It's an amazing piece of work. Thank you, I recently started writing reviews like that to remind myself to cover the different things I know I would want in a review. Thanks again!
No, thank you!
Hi,
I probably should have read the first four chapters because I would like to know how this all started. Anyways this chapter was good it had good detail when it came to what they were doing but I think you should describe more on what she was thinking because I would like to know if they are a thing or not but I simply say they should be. Like I said I would like to read the other chapters to see where they are and how they are in this predicament, but you should restate where they are because you said it was storming and then there is ice so next time just be specific as to where they are. Overall it was good. Keep writing.