You’re welcome for the cliff hanger. Don’t know what I’m talking about? I suggest you read the last chapter, and preferably every chapter before that.
“Ophelia!” A familiar voice called out to me, “Where the hell have you been!?”
I then felt someone shaking me, and I leaned forward, gagging and vomiting out all the lake water I had consumed. I felt disgusting, and sick.
I then realized I couldn’t exactly move, so I simply stared up at my mum, not budging at all. She continued to yell at me about how worried she had been, and how I had missed school for three months. It didn’t seem like three months to me, it merely felt like a few days.
Next thing I knew, my mum was dragging me to the house. My memory then kicked back in, and I remembered Dan, the boy just slightly older than I, pushing me into the water with great force. I didn’t understand why, because he was my only friend in that place, and he hurt me badly. I didn’t know what to think.
“Dan.” I muttered, and my mum stared down at me.
“Who’s Dan?” She cocked an eyebrow at me.
“D-Dan…!” I shook a bit, and then stood up quickly.
My mum gave me a confused and angry look. But I just ran back towards the place where the river was, my mum chasing after me. She wasn’t too fit, so I had a clear advantage. I continued to run up to the place where I found the river. When I looked, the river wasn’t there!
I grabbed both sides of my head, feeling like ripping out all of my hair in confusion. But instead, I simply planted myself down by the lake. I didn’t know what to do now, so I just sat and stared at the lake.
My mum sat next to me, and looked to the lake with me.
“If you tell me what happened, honestly,” She began, now facing me.
“I’ll believe you.” She placed a palm on my shoulder for comfort.
So I told her everything that had happened from the very beginning. I told her about the town, the forest, the island, the ocean, the huge chunk of ice and snow, the zeppelin, and I told her about Dan. I blushed as I explained what he had done, and what he did that led to me ending up back here.
“All that time I had been wasting going nowhere.” I concluded to my mum.
She shrugged and let out a short sigh. She patted me on the back and headed inside. Even after her promise, I knew she wouldn’t believe me.
That night, as I lay in bed, I couldn’t forget about Dan. What he had done was almost unforgivable. Why would he push me in the water? I couldn’t begin to comprehend what he was doing for me, if he did have a reason to push me back to my miserably boring life.
“Wish I still had my parents.” I repeated the last thing he had said to me. I’d never forget it.
I doubted I’d see him again, and if I did, I’d make sure to tell him how pissed off I was. I began to think about what I would do if I saw him again. I imagined myself hugging him tightly, then punching him in the face, or in the crotch.
“Hm.” I let out a sigh as I pondered on it.
I then fell asleep, letting my dreams take me away from my endless thoughts.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Paper Planes (Ch9)Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,347 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Heya! Grav here for another review
So this is the second chapter of yours that I'm reviewing. This just gets more and more interesting. I do have some nitpicks, mostly about plot and characterization. Stuff like that.
Okay so the Mom confused me. I haven't read the rest of the chapters so I'm not sure if Ophelia has been gone for 3 months or if she was just not at school for 3 months and the Mom found out. Either way, I'm pretty sure there would've been more fireworks for Ophelia to deal with when she got home. For one thing, she would've had to deal with the police because after 48 hours, her Mom would've filed a missing persons report. And for another thing, if she had just missed school for 3 months, she would've needed to speak with a truancy officer and in most schools, they have an attendance policy where if you miss a certain amount of days of school they have to fail you. It sounds stupid but most states have a certain hour of seat hours each student needs to complete to pass a class.
My second nitpick is how short this chapter is! I know I told you this on the last piece of yours that I reviewed, but you have such a great foundation here. It makes me really sad that you haven't expanded on it.
I hope my review wasn't too harsh, please keep writing!
XOXO,
Gravity
Don't be afraid to be as harsh as possible. A writer needs to learn to take constructive criticism (if the criticism is reasonable, of course). Thanks for the review.
Hey!
Here for another...
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
You probably know by now that I'm not a fan of exclamation points. This a personal thing, but I'd just stick to periods. To show the excitement or craziness that lead to using an exclamation point, you can instead use character emotions. (Which you've done well in the next paragraph, I just put that tidbit in for future situations) It's really up to you on whether to use the period or exclamation point.
Another person thing... I really don't like the use of "then", in any situation. In some cases it isn't needed, in others it could be replaced. In this instance, it would need to be replaced as the sentence would change without it. You could use "slowly" or really any adjective/adverb of choice. Again, it's your choice on what to do.
Great job on another amazing chapter!
~Myth
Thanks, Myth!