It was the most colossal thing I had ever seen. A huge majestic, and beautiful airship, that seemed to want us to get on board. I was a bit suspicious, although I had been in a situation like this before. I flashed back to the cottage filled with food, then to realize it wasn’t a trap. I looked to Dan with a worried look on my face, and he seemed to read it.
Dan reached towards my hand to grab it, trying to reassure me that I would be safe with him. But I knew I wouldn’t, this world was so random, so anything could happen. I continued to look at him, worried. But he shook his head at me, seeming to know that everything would be alright.
We both braced ourselves for the airship to welcome us in its deathly trap, squeezing each other’s hands tightly. We both looked to a sturdy, wooden door in front of us. It slowly creaked open, and I peeked inside the ship. No one seemed to have opened the door, so I motioned for him to follow me in. He nodded, and we walked inside together, hand in hand, as not to separate.
I looked around the area inside of the airship, it all seemed to be finely crafted wood inside, so I wasn’t sure how it went in the air if everything was made of wood and the rubber material used to make the balloon (although I wouldn’t be surprised if that was made of wood, too). The inside of the airship had crisp air, it was like fire.
We felt the ground beneath us start to rise, meaning the zeppelin was beginning to levitate. I gasped loudly and looked to my feet, my hand still in Dan’s. He let go of my hand and began to investigate the area. I shot my arms out in a what-the-hell-are-you-doing sort of way. He looked back to me and shushed me. I cocked my eyebrow at him and noticed he had his ear to the wall. He was listening for something. I went up next to him and began to listen as well.
“Two kids just got on the ship.” I heard someone say.
“Oh, I know. I’ve let them on.” Another voice answered.
I then took my ear off of the wall and pondered on what to do. I nudged Dan and tilted my head towards a nearby door, which I assumed would lead into the room the two voices were in. He tugged on a lock of my hair and mouthed “No.” I then gave him a smirk and opened the door. He buried his face in his palm and followed after me. But when I opened the door, all I saw were two translucent black shadows. They had the forms of people, but they were just shadows. They seemed to be facing us, and they suddenly began to fade away into nothing but the crisp fire-air.
Dan and I stared at what remained of two black shadows. Nothing.
We looked to each other, and simply studied each other’s eyes. We had no idea what to think, and no idea of what to believe now. So we simply sat down, and talked.
After talking for a few hours, just enjoying each other’s company, the question came up.
“What’s your family like?” He asked me, with a cheeky smile.
“Oh…” I pondered on the thought.”Well there’s my mum, she has light brown hair, and beautiful green eyes. But my dad has pretty brown eyes, like yours.” I pointed towards Dan’s eyes, and saw a bit of a flustered expression on his face. “So, my eyes are hazel, something in between.” I explained and Dan nodded.
“But what are they like?” He asked.
“My mom can be annoying and angry at times, but I know she loves me,” I told him with a sigh, “Sometimes she would just yell at me for no reason, she just wants to be mad.” I rested my head on his shoulder, wanting someone to hold for the moment.
Dan looked down at me, his brown eyes almost shimmering with joy.
“But my dad, is the most amazing human you’d ever meet. He relates to me, and never fails to make me smile.” I looked up at him with content. It was a nice moment just sitting here, talking to him.
“Wish I still had my parents.” He let out a sigh.
“Dan… I’m sorry.” I wrapped my arms around him, and he squeezed me gently in return.
“Let’s get off this thing.” I finally said after a few minutes of peaceful silence and embrace.
I led Dan back to the wooden entryway, and creaked open the door slowly. Seeing as the zeppelin had landed, we both stepped out of it. But as soon as my feet hit the ground, the scenery seemed to change in a flash. We were back at the town.
I looked to him in confusion, and he shrugged and slipped his hand into mine, leading me around the streets. Suddenly he had led me to the same red-painted dock I first encountered when coming here, and looked to me with a fearful expression.
“Wh-Why?” I looked to him, seeing as he had clearly lied to me. He knew the way out and he never told me. Or at least, he found it now.
I noticed Dan’s eyes begin to water, and he looked to the edge of the dock. I was deeply concerned about what he was going to do, or why he had brought me back here.
“Dan. Answer me.” I commanded him, and he simply stared, just like he did when I first met him.
“Dan!” I yelled a second time, he still wouldn’t budge.
“What is wrong with you!?” I screamed to his face, hopelessly waiting for a response. Nothing.
Dan then held two arms out at me, and slowly began to move forward. I tried to get out of the way, but before I could protest…
“What are you do-“
He had forcefully shoved me into the water, leaving me to drown.
End of chapter
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RagingLive back yet again, xJupiter, to review chapter seven of Paper Planes! (Did I ever tell you that I find your title very creative? Because it is, and I like it!)
The commas here are interrupting natural flow. I believe that the sentence might function better if you just strike all of them and rephrase like this:
"The majestic and beautiful airship seemed to want us to get on board."
Have I already mentioned the hyphen trick I discovered? I can't remember if that was you or another review I did, but here it is just in case. When you don't place punctuation after a hyphen and then try to insert a quotation mark, most document programs get confused and put the quotation mark facing the wrong way. What I do is put my word, a hyphen, and then a comma before placing my quotation mark. I then remove the comma, but my quotation mark is still facing the right way. I apologize if I have told you this before!
The ending was very well executed, making us gasp that Dan would try and drown her and leave us scrambling for the next chapter, which is what I'm going to do right now!
Keep writing and keep on smiling!!
~RagingLive
Hey there,
Gravity here with yet another review. If you get tired of me, please let me know!
So I have nitpicked at you my last 2 reviews to have more size. I'm American. Bigger is better in this country XD XD XD not sure if you are too but if you are, you understand.
Realize should be realized. Also, a great way to add size is to elaborate. Why does Ophelia know it's not a trap? Even if it happened last chapter or earlier in the novel, you should still expand on her feelings to make your character more dynamic.
Also, in the zeppelin, those two shadows... Wouldn't Ophelia be really afraid and think something's not right? And then when she gets off the zeppelin, you don't describe how it feels when it lands. You just mention it almost offhandedly.
Also, when Dan shoves her in the water, is he doing this with magic or is he physically doing it? I really think you could go into more detail with the fear and panic and she most be feeling, how she struggles against the force that's pushing her, be it magical or physical.
Once again, I really think this concept is great, you just need to elaborate on it more. Use more imagery, focus more on Ophelia's character.
XOXO,
Gravity
Hey!
Holy fluffernutter, is he trying to kill her?!!?!?!? (Ok. I'll be calm now.)
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Point I. You have amazing twists in turns in your story that leaves readers guessing. By you also make sure it doesn't get confusing. My only wish is that things didnt change so quickly. I love a fast paced story, don't get me wrong. But this story can just start to feel really rushed at times. The main problem with this is that it's hard for readers to really connect to any one place, because soon things are changing again. So it can be really hard to stick with the story because of how fast things progress and change. My main suggestion for fixing this is try and not change the setting for at least one chapter at a time. Like with this chapter, they go from the zeppelin to the town in a snap of the fingers. I would have liked to have spent a bit more time a the Zeppelin before changing scenes again. So try and keep one setting per chapter (or two) in mind. I get that ideas can flood in one after another and that you want to use them. My thoughts for that is that instead of trying to cram all the ideas into one chapter, write the ideas down for another chapter. Try and stick to one main ordeal per chapter.
Point II. You've created a really amazing world. My only tip is maybe add a bit more detail at times, and switch your word choice out occasionally so thing don't get repetitive. (You've gotten a lot better with fixing repetition problems though!)
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Good Job on another Great Chapter!
~Myth
Thanks! ^-^