It takes someone to be extremely warm-blooded to live in Toronto. It was usually cold, rainy, and gloomy up here, and still is. I had recently started up school again, and a few months before that, my life had been changed forever.
It started on a rainy Tuesday. It was pouring outside, and I had been walking to school. I loved rain very much, and I would always be outside taking a rain shower. I’d lean back a little, face towards the sky, and be drowned in what other people would call “sad weather.” But for me, it was my favorite thing of all. I lived by a lake, so every morning I’d walk to school and get to admire it. But as I walked my usual route, I noticed a river on the other side of the lake. The river was connected to the lake. I was confused, because I had never seen it before, and I was sure of it. So I walked closer to the mysterious river. It was quite foggy, and a few feet away I could see a small wooden boat with what looked like some sort of leather book inside of it. My curiosity got the best of me, and I stepped into the boat to grab the book. But as soon as I bent over inside the boat to grab the book, the boat began to move with a bit of a creaking sound. It floated down the river at a fast pace. I screamed, overwhelmed by the fact that the boat moved on its own to the river, and then away.
I held my book bag close and threw the book into it. I had never known fear like this. I looked ahead of me, and could see nothing but fog. But I could hear the sound of music. It was a festive tune I knew, but it was a bit off-key.
“…H-Hello?” I yelled out into the fog as I approached a dock with red-painted wood. I saw the light of a lantern ahead of me, and shivered as my eyes met with something that seemed to be holding the lantern.
I hugged my book bag tighter to my chest, and began to tear up a bit. “What is this place?” I shivered and slowly began to stand up.
“Who are you!?” I yelled to the creature holding the lantern. But no matter what I said, the creature wouldn’t budge. So, gathering all the courage I could muster, I stepped out of the boat onto the dock. I was now face to face with it. It muttered something under its breathing, assuming it had breath.
“You… w-…” It muttered. I reached forward towards it to see what it was. It slapped my hand down and stepped forward. It wasn’t any sort of monster, it was a boy who looked just a little older than I did.
“Say what you need to say.” I told him bluntly, I felt the need to be a bit of a sass since he slapped my hand down. If he wants to create a problem then that’s fine with me, I thought. He grabbed my hand and held it for a second. I blushed as he led me to an unknown location, and I simply followed behind. Maybe I was sent here for a reason?
End of chapter
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139,270 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hey, there! Lefty here to review!
I really like the beginning of this. The way you showed her love for rain. The way you described the mysteriousness of the boat and the fog. I'm certainly intrigued an want to know more!
Onto a few nitpicks I found:
This sounded a little strange to me. Maybe you could change "to be" to "who is"? So, for example:
It takes someone who is extremely warm-blooded to live in Toronto.
It should be a comma at the end of her sentence instead of a period. For example:
"Say what you need to say," I told him bluntly...
Well, that it for the nitpicks! I'm really loving the feel of this. How it goes from the happy but gloomy feeling of rain to mysterious to almost whimsical at the idea of her going into some kind of fantasy world. Nice job! You also have very good grammar and I was able to picture everything clearly. I will be back to review chapter 2. Keep writing!
-Lefty
Hello, Jupiter! racket here to review your chapter!
Oooh, okay, so this is interesting. I like the kind of creepy, mysterious atmosphere you've projected and I can really get a good sense of the setting from these five paragraphs you've started out with. Good job! I've only got a few suggestions.
The first would be your character's reactions to what is happening to them. So they've been abducted by a boat and a weird little book on a river that had never existed before. They scream; a relatable, totally normal response. I would probably be close to screaming as well. But the, instead of maybe jumping out of the boat and swimming away, they keep the boat and yell at the mist for a bit... and their first reaction to being grabbed by a mysterious guy is to blush and say 'say what you need to say.'? Hmmm.... XD I probably would punch the guy who grabbed me and force him to tell me what the heck was going on, opposed to just following him. Sorry, that was a little harsh. XD What I mean is more, you don't give the main character time to adjust to what's going on. We need them to have some time to internally freak out, if only for a second, before they get a grip and somewhat calmly confront the guy.
This line isn't very natural, and in this character's situation, I have trouble believing anyone would say that, at least, not until later. How about '"What's going on?" I blurted out, "Where am I? Who're you? What the heck is happening?"' People don't tend to be so rational as your dialogue suggests in strange, taxing situations.
Okay, so, last suggestion! Your first paragraph! I don't think it serves much of a purpose, other than telling us they're in Toronto and it's cold and misty, and that the main character was out for a few months from school after the story happens. So maybe find a different way of introducing the setting? This way is just a little confusing, and doesn't contribute to the plot enough to be necessary as its own paragraph. Maybe twist those bits of information subtly in with your other paragraphs?
Well, those are my suggestions! Overall, very good. I really am kind of hooked now, even with so little info. Who's the guy? O.o Yes, I really like it! I'm going to review some poetry, and then I'll review your next chapter! Keep up the awesome work!
~racket
Thanks!
You're welcome!
Hullo, hullo, my warm-weathered state friend! RagingLive here to review chapter numero uno of your novel! I was going to wait until review day, but unfortunately, I just couldn't help myself and here I am.
First of all, I think that this is a wonderful start to a novel. It was a strong beginning with just enough of a strong ending to make me want to read me. Great work!
I would rephrase this so that it would read a bit better.
"It was usually cold, rainy, and gloomy up here, and the day that it all started was no exception."
There really isn't any need for the ellipses at the beginning of the sentence. It will read a lot easier and make a whole lot more sense if you strike the ellipses and stick with the hyphens.
Again, the use of ellipses and hyphens here simply clutter the sentence and confuse the reader. You've also already used 'muttered' so this is a bit redundant. Let's see how we can clear this up:
"'You . . . w-" it sputtered."
As I said, this was a simply wonderful start to a novel, and I hope to read more today!
keep writing and keep on smiling!!
~RagingLive
Thanks! My friend, ParanormalMyth has followed the novel all the way through, and they found it played with their emotions in the end. I hope you like it!
Hey there! This is TheFantsy14 here for a review! I liked the plot a whole lot. It was very eerie with a slight element of mystery that left me wanting more. I liked how you began explaining your character's personality right off the bat, but at this point I don't know your character's name or what he looks like. I also think your writing could also flow just a bit better, but other than those two things your story is great.
Keep up the good work!
The character's name shows up later in the story, and the character is a she.
oh. embarrassed....
No worries!
Hi!
I think this is going to be a great story! I liked the details you put in during the rain part, and it showed the readers a bit of the character's thoughts and personality. Also, I liked the mysterious, eerie feeling that the story gave me.
The only thing that was a tad confusing was when she stepped onto the boat. I wasn't exactly sure what was happening, or where she ended up. So I think maybe if you added more detail there it would be a bit easier to understand?
Also, you might want to put a little more time into the boat guiding itself down the river, it was really good, but maybe a bit rushed? Maybe incorporate more of the five senses so you can see what the character is feeling and thinking.
Other than that I really liked it! And I want to know more about this weird boy on the dock. Keep writing! (And sorry if I was a bit harsh with my weird review XD)
-blablabl92
Don't be afraid to be as harsh as you need to be! Every writer should learn to take criticism because it's good for them! Thanks.
Hi, xJupiter! Great story so far! I like the idea you've come up with, it's quite interesting. This first part already has me wanting more, and kept me on the edge of my seat! Just a few suggestions;
I like the idea of this as a starting sentence! But the sentence seems a bit confusing. Perhaps you meant "It takes someone extremely warm blooded to live in Toronto." ?
This bit right here seems a bit repetitive, and I had to stop and think about it for a moment. A suggestion for how you could fix it is "But as I walked my usual route, I noticed a river flowing into the other side of the lake" . But as the author, you know what would work best.
Same as above, it's just a tiny bit repetitive. Maybe instead you could say "My curiosity got the best of me. I approached the boat, but as soon as I bent inside to grab the book, the boat began to move with a creaking sound." Again, that's just a suggestion, and it's totally up to you.
At then end, in the last paragraph, I found it odd that the main character simply followed behind the male, when just moments ago, they had thrown him sass. I'd maybe explain a bit better as to why she simply followed, instead of trying to possibly fight.
Overall, I'm really enjoying the story so far, and I hope you continue to write more!
Thank you! I was kind of feeling the same about being too repetitive, but I wanted to get some reviews first. I understand all of these nitpicks completely, don't be afraid to say what you think!
No problem! I'm glad I could help!
Hello.
Let me start with the nitpicks before I start praising your work. Save the best for last!
"It muttered something under its breathing..." "You...w-..."It muttered. You used the word "muttered" twice. That is a little repetitive. How about the words: uttered, grumbled...? Also, the "It" should have a lower case "i".
"Say what you need to say." Replace the last period with a comma. And, after the word "bluntly", add a period.
Now, I really admire this story. It was very well-written, and I just wanted to read it. I like how the story doesn't drag on with unnecessary stuff. It's short, sweet, and to the point. I LOVE THIS!!!! AMAZING WORK AND KEEP ON WRITING!!
Thank you!
You're welcome. BTW, you should definitely write a sequel!!!