I looked to him. “What am I doing here? What is this place, Dan?” I was very confused and overwhelmed. There had to be a reason for me to be here.
“You were the only one who gave it a chance.” He told me with a hand on my shoulder. “Years upon years ago, the same mysterious river was opened up to me, and I gave my curiosity a chance. So I took the creaky boat and found myself being pulled down the river into the same town, and through the same forest and island like this.” He explained. I was amazed.
“You were chosen, Ophelia.” He told me, and I was still a bit confused.
“Chosen for what?” I tilted my head to the side, wanting to know more.
“You know the phrase, Curiosity killed the cat?” He asked me, and I of course, nodded.
“Well duh, everyone knows that.” I chuckled lightly. He shook his head and held a firm grip on my shoulder.
“Curiosity enlightened the cat, Ophelia.” He smiled his crooked smile. I finally understood what he meant.
“So, no one came to the mysterious river, because they thought of that phrase? That makes sense.” I nodded. He looked out to the ocean with a thoughtful expression, and let go of my shoulder.
“Curiosity is a gift. It brings you to new conclusions about life and what it has to offer. That’s why I explore as much as I can, because I know I cannot escape the inevitable.” He explained.
I was in awe by his knowledge for his age, which I assumed was at least close to mine. “You have the power to explore; you have the power to let your curiosity take control.” He shot me a little wink after he said this. I didn’t know what to take from it, so I just shook it off.
“Yet, you still haven’t explained why I’m here.” I cocked an eyebrow at him.
“Ah, can’t tell you that. You have to experience this place for yourself.” He told me with a tiny smirk.
“What are you doing with your face, Dan?” I chuckled awkwardly at his flirty expression. Dan shrugged and patted me on the head.
“Anyway. I’ll be accompanying you on your way. You’ll be home soon enough.” He told me. I nodded slowly.
“Guess there’s nothing I can do to stop you.” I shrugged and stood up. I looked around the ocean, and took another glance at how pretty the floating flowers were.
“Did you dye your hair red?” He tugged on a lock of my bright red hair. I stared him in the face.
"Sure, I was born with fiery red hair.” I laughed at his moment of stupidity.
“Where do we go, now?” I asked moments later, after gazing at the sunset with him. I didn’t know what exactly to think of him, or what his relationship was to me. Dan let out a short sigh and stood up.
“From what I remember…” He looked straight to the boat. “Straight up ahead will be the next area.” He pointed straight ahead. I chuckled.
“This reminds me of the Warcraft games I play. We just go questing from area to area.” I explained to him.
“This will be nothing like your video game, because this… is real life.” He chuckled lightly.
I grabbed both oars and stepped onto the boat. I waited for him, staring up at him. He didn’t budge.
“Aren’t you coming with me?” I cocked an eyebrow at him. He shook his head.
“No, but I’ll meet you there.” He smiled crookedly. I wasn’t sure if I trusted him on this, but if he wanted to leave me alone, then I would work without him.
I was determined to make it home. So I sat in the boat and waved to him. He simply stood there and watched me. I was a bit freaked out by him, I couldn’t lie.
I began to row the boat straight ahead of me. I was frightened when I began to hear the roar of thunder, and clouds began to form above me.
“This is why I need a guide.” I said to myself. “DAAAAN!” I yelled out angrily.
End of chapter
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139,354 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
jumpingsheep here!!
I just found the last chapter of your story in the feed, but I thought I should really start from the beginning of your book before reading the ending, so here I am! I just read the first four chapters!
This is an extremely creative piece you have written. It's unpredictable from chapter to chapter, which has kept me engaged. I want to know what happens next! I like the relationship you're forming between Ophelia and Dan. Their banter is witty, light, and fun to read.
I've noticed that this story moves very fast. It might be beneficial to slow down and lengthen some parts, so that the reader gets a break between those faster scenes. Also, you may want to break your paragraphs a little more. It's okay to have longer paragraphs, but sometimes shorter paragraphs are fantastic if you want more emphasis on something.
Like this.
See?
Lot's of emphasis
A good place to break a paragraph is right after a line of dialogue, that's usually where I do it.
Anyways, I'm going to head onto chapter 5 now!
""What am I doing here? What is this place, Dan." I was very confused and overwhelmed."" It's a little redundant don't you think? The next phrase takes the importance away from your dialogue. Take it out.
I'm jumping in to your story, and already I see an error with structuring. Every time a new person talks you NEED to start a new paragraph. It's hard to follow where the words are coming from otherwise. And a lot of it gets mixed up.
Another reason is, it makes the story flow more.
You get to things quicker.
It gives the reader a chance to get into the story, or feel that way.
See my point?
You can't have giant block after block, it gets a little tiring. And it's hard to separate things. You could bury a very beautiful sentence with a mountain of other words. Give them each room, so the reader can appreciate it.
You wrote this line. "This will be nothing like your video games, because this... is real life."
Well now we have a firm grasp of the obvious. The line would be so much better if you just said, "This will be nothing like your video games."
The main character is so out of it. He has no idea. We know that, we get that from this piece. He even goes on to compare it to video games. So that line is just right, because one person is completely unaware of the extent of his negligence. And the other character knows it all, what will come. It's exciting because the reader feels the same way.
A lot of your thoughts, the main characters that is. Can be simplistic at times, your on the right path. And I see what you're doing. You want to create a feeling, and get that point across. Something you want to work on is subtlety, letting those emotions get the point across by themselves without simply just saying it. I am hungry. You learn this over time though, over years. You're doing fine, I just want to make you aware of what you need to start thinking about, and start trying to do it in your writing.
We need to grow as writers, always.
I think your ability to tell a story is good. You've got the readers interest. And as long as you can tell a story well, acknowledge the fact that you can only improve. You can only take what you know, and grow. Because the basic ability to tell a story is within you. Otherwise you'd be out of luck, and I'd tell you to start looking for other career opportunities.
Definitely though fix the structure.
—Ronald