Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Attention! I will start every chapter with a quote and whoevers perspective it is in!
“Flo, mornings are for coffee and contemplation. ” - Jim Hopper, Stranger Things
Nayleth - Chapter 10
My leg hung down from the tree, my eyes closed and the warm breeze running over me. It was a nice change from a stuffy room.
Griffin was laying below me, asleep. His pulse was slow, deliberate. Sully, on the other-hand, kept looking up at me and working on his giant leather book. J was playing her guitar, which I just figured out she had. Her fingers strummed the chords, filling the air with tunes that I knew.
"She asked me, Son, when I grow old, will you buy me a house of gold?” I softly sang along to the chords that J strummed, a smile playing across her lips. Griffin woke up then, a smile also crossing his face. Sully kept drawing but I could tell he was listening.
"Who is singing? And you have music from the humans world too. And woah, I just said humans world, okay then."
It’s not that weird… I thought. Really, it wasn’t.
"Indeed, we do. Ooooo, look! Rose is back! Hey, my little moth, how you doing hon?" J asked this puppy sized moth. Now this.. this thing, was made of rose vines, it’s eyes a bright gold, the size of softballs. But it was still fuzzy. Please, someone explain this to me. Like, seriously.
I watched warily as the giant cousin to the butterfly gargled happily. That thing was weird.
Sully loudly shut his book, climbing up the tree to show me what he had done.
He reopened the book, to the page that held my picture. It was stunning, a perfect drawing of what I looked like. But my form wasn’t what it was. I mean, how could either of them know, considering me and Griffin had yet to tell them?
Sully had scribbled all over the second page, what he thought I could do and ready to change it once he knew.
What he thought I could do was manipulate light and dark. Change spaces from having lights on to off. It was the oddest thing, he went into such detail. For Griffin, well, he thought he had a better sense of smell and that he could talk to dogs all of breeds.
I shook my head at the drawings, Sully looking crestfallen.
Smiling at him, I jumped off the branch beside Griffin and woke him.
He shot up, his eyes wide, fear in them but the it flickered away. He rubbed his eyes and stood up.
“It’s getting dark, we should head back.” I told him, a hand on his shoulder. Griffin only looked at me, nodding in agreement.
J settled Rose atop her head, the moth gurgling sleepily while Sully tucked his book into a bag and followed suit. With a moth-carrying-J and shoulder-aching-Sully, we headed back to the room.
But I stayed at the tree. I liked the night and always have. Its peaceful, quiet and filled with things of unknown. Once I saw that they have reached the room, hearing them open the door a bit away, I unleashed my form.
The same pain rippled through my spine, shoulders, everywhere. But it was worse than the first time. Gasping for breath, I fell to my knees. My fingers spasmed, ripping the soft grass. I could feel my skin rip apart more than before, the pounding in my eyes and burning in my lungs. I gagged, for the pain was spreading to my gut.
I coughed and coughed after I was in my form. My throat felt raw from dryly throwing up.
Standing up, I leaned against the tree. The stars filled the sky by now, the moon high in the sky.
Nighttime air, perfect.
I launched into the sky, feeling the cool air run over my scales and skin. My hair was down now, flying behind me. It felt like I had dropped all of my worries away, the weight of knowing that I was something I had never even known.
My breath came out like frost almost, I was that high up. I didn’t feel sick anymore. But then I heard a sound that made me chuckle.
Looking below me, I saw a blur of white and gold, the sound of claws and hands pounding against the ground also noticeable.
“Hey, slowpoke! Up here!” I yelled down to him.
The blur stopped moving, startled by my voice. He tumbled over himself, landing face first into the tree.
I could hear his muffled shouting, along with seeing thrown-back ears.
After laughing to the point where I couldn’t breath, I landed beside Griffin.
“I oke my ose.” Griffin practically hissed at me, holding his nose gingerly.
“You broke your nose? Doesn’t seem like it. You’d be in more pain then that,” I retorted. He was in his form now, his wolf ears back against his head. “And you would be bleeding.”
“I was just a second ago, while you were laughing like a jester.” He snarled, teeth bared.
“Oh, the poor puppy is gonna bite me. I am sooo scared!”
Griffin lunged at me and in turn, I dodge it.
Taunting him, I went to the very top of the tree. The branches scratched at my scales and skin, the leaves hiding me easily. Griffin, on the other hand, was not well hidden. He stood out like a lantern in a cavern.
I wrapped my legs around a thick branch, keeping my arms level with the leaves to hide. I hung as if I was a sloth, slowing my breathing as well.
Griffin was right in front of me.
His pulse was quick, adrenaline rushing. His eyes flickered back and forth, trying to find me. I could see him as if it was day out.
Grunting, he climbed just to the side of me, looking right at my face. But he climbed away.
Stifling laughter, I held still, waiting and watching.
After about five more minutes of this, I fell out of tree from laughter, Griffin scurrying down.
“Oh my gosh, Nat, are you okay?!” were the first words out of his mouth.
“Damn right! That was hilarious, Griffin. Okay, we need to head back. We have about ohhh, five minutes, till curfew is here.” I replied.
“Well, I can hardly see you, so help me.”
“And you're a walking lantern, Griffin. Let’s help one another.”
With a grumbling Griffin, I headed back to the room.
---
I shot out of bed, the time 2:47am. I was sweaty, sticky and just panicy. Nightmares have always been horrible for me. So, in effort to relax, I got up and made some cocoa while recollecting my thoughts.
“Why the hell… what the hell…” was the only thing I could say. This was new. It was a dream but… it felt so real.
---
I was just opening my eyes when sour breath breached my nose.
The man in front of me was wiry and had this I-am-a-horrible-person vibe. He was face to face with me, his slimy fingers caressing my cheek while I tried to pull away.
“Don’t worry darling, you won’t suffer long.” was all the man had said, his voice sleek and low.
Out of the corners of my eyes, I could see J. She was unconscious. Blood dripping down her nose and a shuriken of her’s was embedded into her gut.
My eyes watered.
Then it switched to a violin playing, colors dancing across my eyes. It was calm now, the feeling of this dream. Nothing was out of place or seemed too real.
Then the music went away, just blackness. And I lost my dreams.
---
With swimming thoughts, I went to grab my cocoa but… the mug was gone. Only the books that it laid upon were still there.
“What the…” I mumbled and turned around to find a cloaked figure drinking the rest of my beverage.
“What the fu-?!” I whisper-yelled and stopped myself short.
The figure looked up, shame in his eyes. Well, eye sockets. He had no eyes. Setting the mug down, the figure walked over and smiled a Pennywise smile.
“Hello, Abis. I am the Grim Reaper.” he said, holding out a bone-like hand.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
GRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMM! YOU'RE IN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HULLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW ARE YOUS GRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM?????????????????????????????????? POLLUTION MISSES YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! SHE SAID I LOVE YOU! SHE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU THATTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Grim chuckles* Tell Po I love her too. Also, yes I am in this. This was really kinda how I came to be. I started here, in this story. And then, I kinda popped up on YWS.
HOW NICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEE! And, it's me Grim....I'm reading this cause Lake is reading more of the story, and I love you toooooooo!!

hey, Flumadiddle! Storm here for a review to contribute to clearing out the Green Room, so let's get started, shall we?
I'm sure you know this, but I've never read the preceding chapters of this novel, so I may make assumptions or question something that's already been explained. If I do, I'm sorry.
I feel like this is worded rather awkwardly. I think the sentence structure that would have made the most sense here is 'parallel structure' which is where you list things in the same sort of way. I'll rewrite the sentence that way to show you what I mean.
My leg hung down from the tree, my eyes closed, and my body warm from the breeze.
The my in front of each listed thing makes it parallel structure, and it flows much better, in my opinion.
How can a pulse be deliberate? You can't control it. I think another word would go better here. Maybe relaxed or steady would make for better adjectives.
So this guitar just appeared out of nowhere? Guitars aren't small, so I think you'd notice if someone was carrying one around.
I actually like it when people know that it's not necessary to tag dialogue all the time. However, it's important for the audience to know who is speaking. You need a tag here because it's not apparent who is saying this.
This sentence doesn't make much sense. My best guess is that it's referring to weight or posture, but that seems out of context. If you're talking about physical form or an alternate form you could just say that your other form looked wrong on the page.
That's called dry heaving.
What do you mean by the bolded phrase? Ears pinned back? That's probably a better phrase if that's what you meant.
You change tense here.
I think this could have been more powerful and important to the reader if you described how Nayleth felt a little more. Just listing adjectives isn't enough for the reader to form a vivid picture. When describing, you want your readers to feel how your character is feeling. I think this article explains it best: Show and Tell
For the dream sequence, I think it would be beneficial to make all of the scenes run together more like actual dreams do. Make it hard to tell where one scene ends and another begins. In the simplest words possible: make it trippy.
Since I've only read this chapter, I'm only going to talk about the characters because I don't feel like I have enough insight to talk about much else in this case.
Characters: You're 10 chapters into this story. Your main characters are probably established for the most part, but the readers should still be gaining insight to the main character's personalities. I think I've seen allusions to a Tragic Backstory™, but know that that doesn't make for a personality. So far, Griffin seems less fun-loving than Nayleth. That's really all I know about what these two characters are like. That's not enough. You need to make these characters seem real to your readers. Stop writing characters and start writing real people. This article might help you: 5 Tips for Realistic Characters
While I see a lot of room for improvement, I find your conversational style of writing very unique; it's not what you usually see in a novel. Know that no matter what anyone says about your writing, the beauty of being a writer is that you can always improve. Practice will always make you better. Accepting advice from other writers will help you improve.
If you have any questions or comments about this review feel free to reply to it or pm me!
~Storm
WHAAAAAA
GRIMMM WHAT
HAHAHAHAHA remember, this story has been in works for a over a year so grim has had a solid place a long while. Just, his character will be immensely built off of the one on YWS.
AHHHHHHHHHH
WHY ARE YOU AHHHHING
BECAUSE ITS GRIM
Hi, Flumadiddle! Pan swinging by for a quick review.
Nitpicks
The past progressive of 'to lie' (as in 'to be horizontal') is 'was lying'. The lay/lie distinction is a confusing one, one that I constantly have to look up, but I'd check out this neat resource for a quick crash course in all the different forms.
What do you mean by 'which I just figured out she had'? I don't really see why the bit in bold has to be there.
I personally think 'human world' sounds better than 'humans world'. The whole line is a bit confusing, as well; I don't really get what point they're making. Who's saying it, anyway? Is it Griffin or Sully?
The expression is unclear here. Did you mean:
Sully had scribbled what he thought I could do all over the second page and was ready to change it once he knew for sure.
Though I don't really know what you mean by 'ready to change it'. How does Nat know that? Has he left blank spaces on the page for corrections and emendations?
But Griffin was already awake, wasn't he? He woke up when Nat was singing.
1) Watch out for comma splices. Independent clauses shouldn't ever be connected with commas.
2) This dialogue should be closed with a comma, Flumadiddle. You know the drill by now.
Huh? So Nat didn't head back to the room? You need to make it clearer that the group goes without her. Also, it's pretty weird that Nat doesn't go back to the room considering that she's the one who suggested it in the first place.
1) Remember to stick an apostrophe in to indicate missing letters.
2) How do you 'practically' hiss at someone? I don't think that word adds anything.
It's not much of a hiding place if the other person saw you hide in it. I don't see how Griffin wouldn't know where she was. He'd know she was in the tree, so it's hardly going to be that difficult to find her, unless the tree canopy is the size of a house or something.
As I've mentioned before, remember that pronouns like 'his', 'hers', 'yours', 'theirs' and 'its' don't ever have apostrophes. Just think, you'd never write 'hi's', so why would you write 'her's'?
Overall Thoughts
1) Interesting end! I felt like the beginning of this chapter was a bit slow and uneventful, but the ending really spiced things up. I didn't realise Grim was going to show up in this story. I'm curious about what he's here for. Is he a friend or a foe? He certainly seems pretty casual, nicking her hot chocolate like that.
I'm sort of confused about the two scenes before the Grim Reaper's appearance, though. Is the penultimate scene where J has been stabbed the dream that Nat woke up from? I feel like you need to structure those last three scenes better so that they move into one another more smoothly, because they're a bit disjointed at the minute.
2) Other parts of this chapter are really hard to follow, as well. The bit where Griffin is chasing after Nat is the main culprit. You need to make it clear that, after Nat lands in the tree, Griffin climbs up into the branches as well, because I was really struggling to visualise what you meant in this passage:
At no point do you mention Griffin climbing into the tree, so I wasn't sure whether he was on the ground or within the branches or what.
On a similar note, I'm also not convinced that he'd find it so difficult to find her. He knows she's in the tree somewhere, so why would he not be able to tell where she was? Especially after five minutes of searching. If Nat is capable of camouflage or invisibility, you need to make that clearer, because I can't see how she wouldn't be discovered otherwise.
3) Your grammar isn't either better or worse, but you're still slipping up on dialogue punctuation and you're periodically struggling with using lie/lay correctly. I'd encourage you to refresh your knowledge of both of those areas.
4) I'm sort of confused as to how much time has passed. Griffin and Nat are chilling out like they've been hanging out in this world for ages, yet we've not seen any mention of them going to lessons, interacting with other students, quizzing J and Sully about the culture and the magic and everything else. I feel like you've completely skipped over the transition period in which they should've spent time getting to know the world. That makes it jarring to read, and it's definitely something to fix when it comes to redrafting.
I'll call the review here. The chapter really picked up towards the end and I'm excited to see what happens next with Grim, but you're still struggling a lot with clarity. I feel like, when you write this, you sort of forget that your readers can't picture the scene and the characters as well as you can, so you skimp on information that we need to know. It's often hard to tell who's speaking, where characters are, what they're doing, what the environment looks like. You need to build up a better awareness of setting and space. Put your characters in context. In a fantasy environment where everything is different and strange, it's extra important to describe the setting well, because there's no pre-existing picture that the reader can draw on.
Keep writing!
~Pan
The class will begin the next day. I need to write down notes about that though, get to seem more... class like. And Grim, he is friend. He is connected with the Abis and Holy keepers. Like the others, they all have their quirks, like how the timekeepers can go back in time, visit the people there. With Nat and Griffin, Grim is there thing. He completes the trio.
I know I've already read this but still damn that was a good chapter
*smiles and blushes* Yeah, I feel like it was missing a few parts but the ending should make up for it. Hopefully.
don't worry honey it was fantastic *kiss*
Oooooooh shit
WAIT WHAT YOUR ON
I HAVE TO GO SORRY BUT YAY
@DemonGoddess @LordTachanka @DarkPandemonium @Irislillygray @Steggy @jimss23 @WhosabellCanWrite @LadyLizz