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Something More, Something Unique Chapter 4

by DeerInBacPac


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Attention! I will start every chapter with a quote and whoever perspective it is in!

Chapter 4 - Nayleth 

"Saving people. Hunting things. The family business" - Dean Winchester, Supernatural  

 My head felt like it was about to explode when I finally awoke.  My eyes felt groggy and heavy while my arms and legs were rather sore. I slowly turned over and tried to open my eyes while propping up my arms. Sadly, I was interrupted.

 “I would not do that if I was you,” said a solemn and anxious voice. Who was that? 

 “Mm hmm,” was my only reply. My mind was still churning, trying to remember what had happened. 

 “Don’t sit up, it will only make the recent change worse.” the man replied normally now. His voice was hoarse but had a twinge of an Irish accent. It was hardly noticeable. 

 I managed to open my eyes and sucked up my surroundings. The room was gorgeous. It had a hardwood floor, which seemed like it had just been waxed. The walls were a light gray stone with borders of fresh painted pearl-white wood. There were four beds, two on both sides of the main room. One bed had a notebook on it, papers and books scattering it. The other was extremely neat and held no other interest. The one bed beside me had a light brown sweatshirt on it with a pile of books on the end table and a human looking lump underneath the covers. There was another door and a wall with a rectangular hole in it with a fridge, a stove, microwave along with other kitchen supplies. There was one more door which, I think, lead to the bathroom.

 I slowly propped myself up but the man went to help me and I put my hand up.

 “I’m pretty sure I can prop myself up, thank you though.” I said. 

 Then I remembered what had happened before coming here. Wherever here was. 

 Me and Griffin had fainted. But what the hell was a Calling day? And why was Gram's tattoo real? I needed explanations and I needed them now. 

 The man looked at me oddly, his chocolate brown eyes boring into mine. But his other eye, the right one, it wasn't brown. It was the color of a galaxy purple. 

 "Who are you?" I asked the strange man covered in scale tattoos. 

 He smiled goofily replying, "Who are you? I've always though that a useless question. No one truly knows who we are until we are laying on our death bed. That is just how the world works, lassie." 

 I blinked back at him, trying to figure out how to reply. 

 "Um, Nayleth. Nayleth Drequinn. You?" 

 His face contorted into the oddest of looks. Like he was processing something. He seemed surprised, jubilant and worried all at the same time. 

 Then a grin spread across his face, Elvis worthy. 

 "You must be so confused, eh? Well, this world, also known as Intermundos to the people here, is home to Metaphorms. We are natives to this world and we each have our own power. See these tattoos?" He told me while gesturing towards the ones that covered his skin. "They represent your powers in some way. There are Full-Bodied metas and Partial metas. Full-bodied metas have powers that are much stronger then Partials. Their tattoos cover their whole body, in chunks or one whole tattoo. Partials tattoos are normally constricted to one body part but others have the ability to train themselves that there tattoo will begin to grow. It will never get to the extent of a Full metas though. 

 "Full Metaphorms are known to hurt like all hell when changing from the dormant state. Full metas can be animals, fictional or real. They can also be something completely different like complete control all of the elements. Both eyes will change to your birth stone color but if you are a Full meta, one eye will stay the same mundane color like blue or brown." He smiled at me, his one amethyst eye glowing in the sunlight that drifted through the huge windows behind me. 

 "Oh, yes. Calling day. That is the day that you either obtain your birth right or not. That birth right being a meta. It's passed on by genetics and each generations power is similar to others but different in some way. I will explain more but do you have questions?" 

 My brain picked everything up like it was an old memory, nothing flying out the other side of my head. Everything seemed to process normally, my brain easily figuring out what everything meant with no extra explanation needed.  

 I sat on the bed, rubbing my temples. 

 Looking back up the man was staring at me, his brow furrowing. 

 "Why are you not panicking or whatnot? Why are you not having trouble comprehending any of this? I would love to know Miss. Drequinn." he told me, pure curiosity in his voice. 

 "I dunno. My brain just kinda made easy sense of it all. Like putting a puzzle together. It was like reading. Your eyes, in this case ears, puts the letters or sounds together and makes something more of it. A bigger piece of something. And why is everything so bright? The blue seems more...blue and the white more white then usual. Please explain." I asked the man in front of me, squinting to keep the abnormally bright colors from blinding me. 

 Then I could smell something sour and rotting. Like raw meat. The sound of pulses gave away that there was about ten or so people, all running as fast as they could from something. Soft chewing from a room, which was a few hundred feet down the hall, gave away that they person had a severe tooth ache while another one was throwing up cherry pie which smelled putrid. 

 I held my nose to keep the smells away and saw that I had a different change of clothes. A pair of black sweatpants adorned my legs while a Supernatural t-shirt hugged my upper half. The sleeves were short and it was rather odd, having short sleeves. I was not used to that. My hair was put in a loose bun and my bare feet were sporting a lovely pair of socks. 

 "I like the socks," I told the man in front of me, wiggling my toes. The socks were mainly teal, a handful of darker blobs also on the socks. These darker blue blobs were all Nessie the Lockness monster, each one of them wearing a pair of bright red socks. 

 "You like them? Oh, well I will need them back. They don't belong to me, you know." he told me, smiling again. 

 "No, no, no. I am keeping them now. I will hide them if need be." I couldn't help but smile back weakly. 

 "Good luck with that. Hiding things from me is rather difficult." 

 "Why?" I asked him. He grinned back and then his eye, his purple eye, began to glow. 

 His shoulders hunched together and his hands were spasming. Gasps were rapidly escaping his mouth while his blood was pumping faster then anyone else in the building. resting a shaking hand on the ground, he kept himself from falling over while his tattoos began to ripple like water. 

 I closed my ears, the sound of bones cracking and popping freaking me out on another level. I could here his skin tearing and stretching while his bones were bending and growing. The sound still got through my ears. Even with having covered my ears, the sound was as clear as before. My eyes were shut tightly too. 

 The sound stopped as quickly as it had come and with that my curiosity got the better of me. 

 It took a decent amount of will to not choke on my own air. 

 This man was well, not a man anymore. He was covered in popping purple sales. A patch was on his forehead, making it looked like a crown while some traced the muscles he had on his arms. The colors swirled like they were in Van Gogh's Starry Night Sky. Horns sat atop his head, one cracked right down the middle and both a midnight blue. A small accent of neon orange tipped the horns, glowing.  Wings hung behind him, slightly spread as if to show them off. Lastly, a tail flickered back and forth behind him, the tip of it orange as well. 

 No sound would leave my mouth and I was even more confused then before. I think. Wait... was I? I can never tell.  

 "I am one of the few Full-metas still alive. Full metas are immortal but we can age whenever we please and if we do not want to, we can chose to not be immortal. Hmm, anything else? I know this may all seem confusing at first but you will adjust in due time, no? There is a whole lot more to this world like religion, territory, and things alike but you can learn about that later. For now I need you to head to the local pub to meet Zex, or Gram to you, so that she can introduce you to your main professor and roommates."

 Nodding slowly in return was my only reply. 

 He stopped at the door, peaking his head around his large wings. "The names Mark by the way. I am the headmaster of this school. Most just call me H.M." and with that he left the room and I heard the rustle of covers beside me. 

 “Hey, Claric?” I said excitedly. His head was pounding as well, the rush of blood extremely loud.

 “Yeah?” He said beginning to look up.

 "The world has just been turned on its head and I thinks its for the better Griffin," I responded to him while he stared at me, eyes wide. "I really, really do." 

Thank you @DemonGoddess for the quote! @saentiel yours is next! If you have any quote you would like me to use please, PM me the quote and who said it! The quote can be from anything. 


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Mon Nov 20, 2017 4:24 pm
IzzyIsHappy wrote a review...



Hey!
Izzy here for a review!

I like this chapter, but I was kind of confused when they finally explained what was going on...

Maybe make it more clearer and have some dialogue between the two of them.

Overall, some sentences were weird, and they could be changed. Like, "I managed to open my eyes and sucked up my surroundings"

Maybe change stuff like that up?

Overall, this is great!


Izzy




DeerInBacPac says...


Thank you!



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Thu Nov 02, 2017 12:41 am


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Thu Oct 26, 2017 8:38 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Flumadiddle. Back again to review!

Oh man, a Supernatural quote. That brings back memories. I used to be absolutely nuts on that show - like, I-sewed-Misha-Collins-a-toy-bee kind of nuts.

I am sort of curious about the quotes. While I'm not against the idea at all, I do think the quotes should have some kind of relevance to the chapters they precede. At the moment, they don't seem to tie in very well. They're just a bit random.

Anyhoo, onto the nitpicks.

Nitpicks

“Don’t sit up, it will only make the recent change worse.” the man replied normally now.


Remember that dialogue followed by a dialogue tag should close with a comma. This should be written as:

“Don’t sit up. It will only make the recent change worse,” the man replied, normally now.

I managed to open my eyes and sucked up my surroundings.


This just seems a bizarre word choice to me. Maybe 'sucked in' would work better? Or even just something more usual like 'took in'.

There were four beds, two on both sides of the main room.


Specifying 'main room' makes it sound like you're talking about more than one room.

There was one more door which, I think, lead to the bathroom.


Should be 'led'. You also don't need either of those commas.

“I’m pretty sure I can prop myself up, thank you though.” I said.


Comma splice. Refer to the links I provided in my first review, because these errors are still happening incredibly frequently. This should be:

“I’m pretty sure I can prop myself up. Thank you, though,” I said.

I won't mention any more about comma splices in this review. Here is another resource that provides information about recognising and fixing them. If this one isn't helpful, remember that you can find countless others on Google.

Me and Griffin had fainted.


Remember what I said in my previous review. Is the narrator doing the action or is she having the action done to her? Here, she's doing the action of fainting, so the correct way to write it would be 'Griffin and I'

It was the color of a galaxy purple


It feels like you smushed two sentences together here - 'it was the colour of a galaxy' and 'it was galaxy purple'. I think the second one works best.

That is just how the world works, lassie.


You said he was Irish, but 'lassie' is much more likely to be found in Scottish or Northern English dialects. It doesn't really suit him.

Then I could smell something sour and rotting. Like raw meat.


Strange simile alert! Granted, raw meat isn't the most fragrant thing in the world, but it certainly doesn't smell sour or rotten, not unless you leave it to fester for ages. Do you just mean that she could smell something like rotten meat?

The sound of pulses gave away that there was about ten or so people


Should be 'were' because you're talking about more than one person.

The socks were mainly teal, a handful of darker blobs also on the socks. These darker blue blobs were all Nessie the Lockness monster, each one of them wearing a pair of bright red socks.


This is a bit convoluted, and there's too much repetition of 'socks'. You could tighten it up to something like:

The socks were mainly teal, patterned with a repeating design of the Loch Ness monster. When you looked closely, you could see that the printed Nessies were wearing bright red socks themselves.

...his hands were spasming. Gasps were rapidly escaping his mouth while his blood was pumping faster then anyone else in the building.


You have a slightly strange habit of writing in the progressive tense when there isn't really any need to. It just means you end up with a lot of unnecessary words. This could easily be cut down to:

...his hands spasmed. Gasps escaped his mouth, his blood pumping faster than that of anyone else in the building.

I closed my ears


How do you close your ears??

No sound would leave my mouth and I was even more confused then before. I think. Wait... was I? I can never tell.


I didn't really get this bit. It feels like you're trying to hint something, but it's just confusing me.

Full metas are immortal but we can age whenever we please and if we do not want to, we can chose to not be immortal.


This was quite messily expressed. I had to read it a few times. You could rephrase it to something like:

Full metas can age at whatever rate they please. We can even choose to be immortal.

“Hey, Claric?” I said excitedly. His head was pounding as well, the rush of blood extremely loud.

“Yeah?” He said beginning to look up.

"The world has just been turned on its head and I thinks its for the better Griffin,"


It's kind of strange that she addresses him as Claric and then immediately swaps to calling him Griffin. People do alter how they refer to people, but it's usually dependent on the formality of the situation. It rarely happens within such a short space of time. I'd decide whether she typically calls him 'Claric' or 'Griffin' and stick with it.

Also, minor grammar issues. Should be:

“Hey, Claric?” I said excitedly. His head was pounding as well, the rush of blood extremely loud.

“Yeah?” he said, beginning to look up.

"The world has just been turned on its head and I thinks it's for the better, Griffin,"


Overall Thoughts

1) Interesting plot developments in this chapter. I wouldn't have expected this story to head towards a magical academy sort of plot. Part of me worries because the idea is so common, making it difficult to develop originally, but I also feel like this could offer some good grounding for your story. I think it needs a home base. Plus I'm a bit of a sucker for those types of stories.

2) The major issue with this chapter is info-dumping. I don't generally like the term because it's so overused, but I think it's the most accurate term to describe what's happening here. This is the most offending passage:

"You must be so confused, eh? Well, this world, also known as Intermundos to the people here, is home to Metaphorms. We are natives to this world and we each have our own power. See these tattoos?" He told me while gesturing towards the ones that covered his skin. "They represent your powers in some way. There are Full-Bodied metas and Partial metas. Full-bodied metas have powers that are much stronger then Partials. Their tattoos cover their whole body, in chunks or one whole tattoo. Partials tattoos are normally constricted to one body part but others have the ability to train themselves that there tattoo will begin to grow. It will never get to the extent of a Full metas though.

"Full Metaphorms are known to hurt like all hell when changing from the dormant state. Full metas can be animals, fictional or real. They can also be something completely different like complete control all of the elements. Both eyes will change to your birth stone color but if you are a Full meta, one eye will stay the same mundane color like blue or brown." He smiled at me, his one amethyst eye glowing in the sunlight that drifted through the huge windows behind me.

"Oh, yes. Calling day. That is the day that you either obtain your birth right or not. That birth right being a meta. It's passed on by genetics and each generations power is similar to others but different in some way. I will explain more but do you have questions?"


This whole quote reads like one dense passage from your planning notes. It's blatant exposition dressed up as dialogue. Much as you might want to inform your readers about the ins and outs of your world, you have to restrain yourself, because when you dump this sort of information on them in one go they just blank and don't take it in. You have to do it gradually, so they can learn about the world at their own pace.

Make the most of the fact that Nayleth, like the reader, is new to the environment. If you actually set up a proper back-and-forth dialogue between her and the metamorph, you could have her asking questions and receiving the answers bit by bit. This would not only make the information easier to follow, but it would also be a lot more realistic, because most conversations do involve turn-taking.

In short, pace yourself. Let us discover the world gradually, not all at once. Just like a three course meal, it will be a lot easier to digest if you give it to us in stages.

3) Even though the exposition isn't handled in the most measured way, I am intrigued by the actual content of the information. I haven't come across anything like the tattoo idea before, so I love the originality of that, and I think you have a really interesting system of magic waiting in the wings. I'm looking forward to seeing you explore that.

4) Your descriptions could do with a bit of work. They're quite clinical and list-like, which means you often describe the scene without actually evoking it. Try to pay more attention to the senses when you're describing a room. You often focus on senses in isolation - you do a lot of talking about sound in this chapter, which is good - but you should try to use them in tandem as well.

It's also worth mentioning that you don't have to describe everything in precise detail. Often, picking out just a few crucial elements is enough to let people build a picture in their heads. When you put in too much information, it all ends up muddled together.

That's all for today as I'm a bit strapped for time. As always, I hope this was helpful. The chapter still needs a lot of attention when it comes to grammar, but this one was easier to follow than the previous one and seems to be finding its centre. Be sure to tag me in the next one. I'll see you then!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Thu Oct 26, 2017 7:33 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, Flumadiddle! Welcome to YWS! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside...

STOP! Grammar time!



I'm just going to mark the ones I can with red because I'm too lazy to write explanations.

My head felt like it was about to explode when I finally awoke.{ }My eyes felt groggy and heavy while my arms and legs were rather sore.


“I’m pretty sure I can prop myself up, thank you though,” I said.


Check out this article and this article for dialogue punctuating help, which you need.

Miss Drequinn


Never put a period in front of a "Miss."

The name's Mark, by the way.


and I thinks it's for the better Griffin


Suggestions:



The room was gorgeous. It had a hardwood floor, which seemed like it had just been waxed. The walls were a light gray stone with borders of fresh painted pearl-white wood. There were four beds, two on both sides of the main room. One bed had a notebook on it, papers and books scattering it. The other was extremely neat and held no other interest. The one bed beside me had a light brown sweatshirt on it with a pile of books on the end table and a human looking lump underneath the covers. There was another door and a wall with a rectangular hole in it with a fridge, a stove, microwave along with other kitchen supplies. There was one more door which, I think, lead to the bathroom.


Whenever I read, I tend to skip over descriptions that are just piled on like that. Disperse them throughout the story instead.

"You must be so confused, eh? Well, this world, also known as Intermundos to the people here, is home to Metaphorms. We are natives to this world and we each have our own power. See these tattoos?" He told me while gesturing towards the ones that covered his skin. "They represent your powers in some way. There are Full-Bodied metas and Partial metas. Full-bodied metas have powers that are much stronger then Partials. Their tattoos cover their whole body, in chunks or one whole tattoo. Partials tattoos are normally constricted to one body part but others have the ability to train themselves that there tattoo will begin to grow. It will never get to the extent of a Full metas though.

"Full Metaphorms are known to hurt like all hell when changing from the dormant state. Full metas can be animals, fictional or real. They can also be something completely different like complete control all of the elements. Both eyes will change to your birth stone color but if you are a Full meta, one eye will stay the same mundane color like blue or brown." He smiled at me, his one amethyst eye glowing in the sunlight that drifted through the huge windows behind me.

"Oh, yes. Calling day. That is the day that you either obtain your birth right or not. That birth right being a meta. It's passed on by genetics and each generations power is similar to others but different in some way. I will explain more but do you have questions?"


No. Just no. I'm going to be blunt here:

This is a very amateur mistake in writing.

The character explains everything by the fourth or fifth chapter. Everyone knows everything about it. Great job people. Yay!!! No. Don't do it. It's very cliché and besides, this character doesn't seem like the kind of person who would just share information. He seems like someone who would let Nayleth discover it on her own instead. That's what I would do, anyways.

Full metas are immortal but we can age whenever we please and if we do not want to, we can chose to not be immortal.


This seems god-modded.

Confusing things:



The names Mark by the way.


WHY DIDN'T HE INTRODUCE THAT FIRST

and I thinks its for the better Griffin


Wait, where did he come from? I might have not have read correctly. I'm at a play meeting right now and am bored lol

Other comments, reactions, and fangirling:



Supernatural


**squeals**

Overall:



Overall, pretty good, You did a very very amateur cliche, however, and you NEED to fix it. However, I did sort of enjoy this chapter and am looking forward to reviewing the next one :D keep up the great work

Give me your soul --

Kara

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Wed Oct 25, 2017 1:40 am
LordTachanka wrote a review...



Hay there I'm gonna do a quick little review.

I really like the quote you used

Well! I don't if stupid or blind but I honestly couldn't find anything wrong with it and I really tryed! But all in all I really like the story and where your going with it. It flows quite well from chapter to chapter having read your past entry's and somewhat knowing we're the story if going from here. I also really like how you let the reader know from who's POV each chapter is from it's a nice little touch keep up the great work! And make sure to tag me in future entries.




zaminami says...


@Lumi this is just someone who copy-pasted the review I think



LordTachanka says...


Yes I had because I was gonna point out anything I found wrong but I couldn't really find anything and I didn't really think to delete the copy paste so I'll do right now. Sorry for the confusion



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Tue Oct 24, 2017 8:25 pm
DeerInBacPac says...



@DarkPandemonium @LordTachanka @Irislillygray




zaminami says...


yOU DIDN'T TAG ME!!



LordTachanka says...


Ooooo thanks for the tag!



DeerInBacPac says...


Im SorRy DG! Welcome, LT.



zaminami says...


:3





Thanks so much for the tag! I'll make sure to read chapter 4!



DeerInBacPac says...


No problem Iris!




A ruler leads by example, not force.
— Sun Tzu