Something More, Something Unique Chapter 10.1

by DeerInBacPac

Published December 17, 2017

16+ Language

In ...

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Attention! I will start every chapter with a quote and whoevers perspective it is in!

“I-I don’t have a quote.” - @LordTachanka

Thank you @LordTachanka for the unintended quote! If you have a quote, go to my forum, Quotes!

Nayleth - Chapter 10.1

I just stared at him, the Grim Reaper. He seemed like a toddler, almost. But his eye... eye sockets? Yeah, his eye sockets showed otherwise.

He just stared at me, a cocoa mustache lining his lips. His fingers were itching to pick the mug backup and small flames were growing in his wispy sockets.

Slowly getting up, my knees began to shake. I stared at him, the Reaper staring right back. He cocked his head, watching me.

Practically tip-toeing over to the kitchen, I tripped over my own feet and managed to land face first into the tiled floors. Well, shit. My jaw began to hurt like all hell while I picked myself back up.

Then I realized that I wasn't in my form. That explains it. I was also surprised that I hadn't woken anyone up. And he just watched me, like a deer in headlights.

My barefeet tapped against the floor while I scrambled around to find another mug. After opening the needed cabinet and warming up the chocolate, I had two steaming glass of cocoa in hand.

I offered him the second glass, the Reaper grabbing it from my hands and slugging it. He went to take the second glass but thought better of it.

"Take it. I don't need any and you seem to love it. A whole damn lot.” I told him, trying to not run away in fright.

He smiled like the sun, grabbing the cocoa and patting me on the shoulder.

“Umm, uh-” I began but he cut me off by holding up a hand.

He pulled out a silver pen, the ink dripping from the tip. The Reaper took out a scroll of paper, friskily writing. After about three minutes, he shoved the piece of paper into my hands and in turn, I felt very confused.

Reading over it, I realized the whole thing explained why he was here. He was here for me and Griffin. He was here for Mark and Auggie. And that he would not talk unless it was under drastic circumstances.

I looked up, feeling as if my face was ashen.

"So... your going to... to..." I muttered, reading over the short note with silver ink.

He shook his head, setting down the glass of cocoa. Why was he drinking so much of it? It was kinda odd.

He pointed to the line that I skipped by accident. It said he was here to help.

“Help how?! Your not even talking!” I exclaimed, waving the paper around.

“Shut up, Nat. I am trying to sleep.”” Griffin mumbled, throwing the covers over his face.

I froze. The Reaper just clapped like an excited child, ripping the covers off of Griffin.

Nat! I told-” He began but froze when he saw the Grim Reaper. His mouth was moving like a fish out of water and his eyes were as wide as lemons. Griffin just looked over at me, holding his hands in the air, as if to say he did nothing wrong.

I shrugged, explaining why he was here.

“Well,” Griffin started. He was running his hand through his hair. “Since you’ll be here for a long while, can I call you Grim? Much better than Death or Reaper. Has a nice ring to it and is more friendly in my opinion.”

Grim smiled widely. He seemed so happy.

“You don’t have many friends, do you?” I inquired.

Grim just nodded his head, crestfallen.

“Well,” I said, still wary of this immortal figure. “I’ll get you one more damned glass of cocoa, then you need to go.”

Grim shook his head. He scribbled on the paper he had out.

He had written that he was not going to leave. Not anytime soon. He was here to help me and Griffin with our jobs as Keepers. And he had written that he was wondering if he could join us for class tomorrow.

“Sure!” Griffin said, cheerfully.

“Uh, no. People will freak the shit out when they seem him!” I retorted. Other students seeing him would not help me or Griffin with our social status here. Not like I could really talk to people though… well, J and Sully, I guess. And Griffin.

Grim chuckled. It was deep and cold. Griffins eyes widened in response to the ghoulish laugh.

Scribing on his pad again, he wrote the no one could see him. No one but me and Griffin. And those that he gave the responsibility too. Grim could chose anyone but mostly it was only the other Keepers. The Timekeepers were the only ones that could see him though. The others never trusted him, they feared him.

I shook my head, wanting to curl up into a ball and pretend that I really was just imagining this, pretend like I was the cheese. Making up a story, being the last one left of something huge. To be alone again. But having people back in my life… it was more than I could ever ask for.

---

“Mommy?” I asked my mother in my eight year old voice. One of my two front teeth were missing and my hair was in a razzled braid.

She looked at me, her eyes holding visible bags and a lost look. She was wearing her pajamas again. She hadn’t taken them off for a long while. It made me worried.

“Yes, dear?” she said while beating the bread dough. She liked to bake, like Gram. The house was always filled with the smells of chocolate and Bluebug tarts.

“Are you okay?”

My mother stopped beating the bread. Her fingers tightened, her veins popping from her neck. A minute later, she composed herself, as if remembering that her young daughter was in the room.

“I am fine, Dragon, don’t you worry.” was all she said.

I nodded my head, not thinking to make sure she was. Now, now I always ask if they are sure, always. Because people don’t always tell the truth right away. After all, its human nature.

I walked out of the room, toward the garden. I sat on the swing, thinking of my father.

Dad… where are you?

My feet brushed the emerald blades of grass, tickling the bottom of my feet. The dirt felt fresh, new and the flowers had begun to wilt. He wasn’t here to tend to them anymore. He loved gardening. He loved making jewelry and predicting the future with his odd, medieval like cards. He loved Mom.

A tear splashed onto the dirt. I rubbed my wet cheek, not wanting my mother to see that I was crying.

“It’s okay, Dragon. I am right here.” my father's voice rung through my ears and I looked up. He was right in front of me. He wore his red flannel and blue jeans. But… he seemed weaker. Physically.

He smiled at me.

I blinked. He was gone.

I was confused. He was just here.

Being curious, I walked back inside.

“Mommy?” I said while tugging on her shirt sleeve.

“Hmm?” was all she said.

“I saw Dad,”

My mother froze. She turned around on me, her jaw set tight but her eyes betrayed her. They were filled with hot, salty tears.

“No, honey. He’s… he’s gone. He can’t come back.”

“But, but I-I just saw him Mommy. I just saw him. He said things would be o-okay.”

She shook her head.

“He can’t comeback Nayleth! He can’t! Do not think otherwise!” She half yelled at me.

I recoiled back but retorted.

“I saw him! I just saw him!” I shouted back, running up to my room to talk to the picture of him. 

Gram just watched from the door. Her eyes were wide and she held onto the doorframe, looking at Muluth like she was a virus, a villain to her own daughter.

---

“Let’s get some sleep, we can tell J and Sully about… this in the morning.” Griffin said. Grim looked at me, knowing something was up.

I nodded slowly, feeling like I was about to retch. The memories were coming back, the ones I wanted to stay away. I hated it. I had tried so hard to keep them away and now, here they were, returning. 

Wrapping myself in my covers, I wished I had the picture of my father to talk to. To not feel so alone

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review Review · Dec 21, 2017

Hi, Flumadiddle! Pan dropping in for another quick review. Same drill as usual.

Nitpicks

He seemed like a toddler, almost. But his eye... eye sockets? Yeah, his eye sockets showed otherwise.


Can you give a bit more justification as to how he looks like a toddler? I'm having real trouble picturing it, and you don't really explain Nayleth's thinking here.

I'm also struggling to understand how his eye sockets could 'show otherwise'. If they're just empty sockets, how do they convey any emotion or age at all?

He just stared at me, a cocoa mustache lining his lips. His fingers were itching to pick the mug back up


Isn't Grim a skeleton? I'm assuming so based on the whole no-eyes thing, and because of how the Grim Reaper usually looks. If he is just a skeleton, how could he have lips? It would make more sense if you said 'lining his mouth' or something.

"Take it. I don't need any and you seem to love it. A whole damn lot.” I told him


Dear oh dear, here we are again. Commas close dialogue if it has a reporting clause, Flumadiddle. You only use a full stop when you aren't mentioning who is speaking, so the formula goes like this:

"Dialogue goes here." - The full stop is fine in this example, as there is no mention of who is saying the dialogue.

"Dialogue goes here," Pan said. - A comma is needed in this example, as there is mention of who is saying it.

You do know this. I know it might seem like a small issue, but it is important to pip these kind of mistakes to the post.

Reading over it, I realized the whole thing explained why he was here. He was here for me and Griffin. He was here for Mark and Auggie.


It would be much better if we actually got to read Grim's note ourselves. You're missing out on an opportunity to characterise him; you can often tell a lot about someone's personality from their writing style.

"So... you're going to... to..."


“Help how?! You're not even talking!”


Watch out for the your/you're distinction. Always ask yourself if you can substitute it for 'you are'. If you can, you need 'you're'.

he wrote that no one could see him.


Grim could choose anyone but mostly it was only the other Keepers. The Timekeepers were the only ones that could see him though. The others never trusted him; they feared him.


That last sentence was initially a comma splice, so make sure you do change the comma to a full stop or, as suggested in the quote, a semicolon.

pretend like I was the cheese.


...the what now?

After all, it's human nature.


“It’s okay, Dragon. I am right here.” My father's voice rang through my ears


They were filled with hot, salty tears.


How does she know they're hot and salty when they aren't her own tears? It seems like a slightly strange description, the kind you'd only use if you could taste and feel them yourself, which I assume Nayleth can't.

“He can’t come back Nayleth!


Remember that 'comeback' is only one word in the noun form (e.g. 'the fashion is making a comeback'). Here you're using 'come' as a verb, so it should be separate from 'back'.

I'd also suggest to avoid bold in novels. Italics is enough to get the emphasis across.

Gram just watched from the door. Her eyes were wide and she held onto the doorframe, looking at Muluth like she was a virus, a villain to her own daughter.


This description feels too third-person. How does Nayleth know Gram was watching Muluth from the door? She ran up to her room after she shouted at her mother.

Overall Thoughts

1) This is definitely one of the strongest chapters yet. I really like the introduction of Grim and I feel like he stands out as individual and well-constructed. I definitely think you should give us some direct quotes from his written messages so we can get a better sense of his 'voice', but I love that you have a mostly mute character. It's unique and quirky, and it certainly leaves me wondering about why Grim will only speak in extreme circumstances.

I liked the bit where Griffin and Nayleth were arguing over whether or not Grim could come to class with them. It's kind of funny how chill Griffin is about everything. I feel like Grim is going to bring a lot more humour to the story.

The flashback is pretty solid too; the scene feels quite vivid, the reactions of the characters believable, and it does capture the broken household Nayleth was living in at the time. The end of the chapter is strong, too; I like how it links to the flashback. So, all in all, a really successful chapter.

2) So, things to work on. Grammar remains a nagging issue. I am growing a tad weary of pointing out the same errors from review to review, if I'm being really honest. I don't mind that the errors are there, it just bothers me that I know you're fully capable of avoiding them. 80% of the time, your contractions and punctuation dialogue are absolutely fine, so I know you can do it. You just aren't consistent.

3) Try not to pass over information that would be good for the reader to see first hand. You have a habit of saying things in the realm of 'I explained the situation to him' and 'he told us about this'. Paraphrasing is absolutely necessary in writing at times, but only when you're summarising information which we already know about or which isn't that important in the first place. Sometimes you skip over what could be really interesting bits of conversation, which makes your narrative a bit gappy. I've already mentioned that you should include direct quotes from Grim in this chapter, but I also would've liked to see Nayleth explain to Griffin how and why Grim had come to be in their room. It could be a funny little exchange, and it would be good at showing how nonplussed Nayleth was by the whole situation.

I think it comes down to not rushing. It often seems like you flit from moment to moment because you're impatient to get on with the story. There's nothing wrong with slowing down a bit and getting the fullest out of every scene.

That's all for today, pally. Hope this helped. As always, let me know when the next part is posted. I'll try to review your Beatles competition piece soon, as well.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

Thanks! And yeah, I figured it was getting, tedious. My grammar and such. I am planning on having my Mom help me out with it, since its not my strongest thing.

And the cheese part is a reference to The Farmer in the Deli lullaby and the book I Am The Cheese.

That's quite an obscure reference! Maybe if Nayleth quoted or talked about that lullaby somewhere else in the chapter, it wouldn't feel so random. :)

User avatar
LakeOfCancer
Review
LakeOfCancer wrote a review Review · Dec 18, 2017

Oh my god E.E.! I know you hadn't tagged me to read it because I have never read these before, but I think I' gonna have to start all the way at the beginning because this was amazing! I love how you're doing a backstory on how Grim came to be! It's so refreshing! Now, if I was smart and had read chapter one, I would know that Mark isn't the Youtuber, but who knows!?XD

I think that the next thing I write and publish will be a short series about how Pollution came to be, maybe she won't break my arm this time...speaking of which, she hasn't been around for awhile now...

Its.... its not about how Grim came to be. But that is a good idea! And this story is over a year old. The idea anyways. He's been here since the very beginning.

I know it's a good idea, but I'm surprised it isn't how Grim came to be!

User avatar
DeerInBacPac
Comment
DeerInBacPac commented Comment · Dec 17, 2017

@DemonGoddess @LordTachanka @DarkPandemonium @Irislillygray @Steggy @jimss23 @WhosabellCanWrite @LadyLizz



Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.
— Lemony Snicket