Something More, Something Unique Chapter 9

Hi, Flumadiddle! Pan back to review. Same drill as usual: nitpicks, overall thoughts, suggested grammar/expression changes in blue.

Nitpicks

His face showed clear worry while his tail flickered back and forth behind him. He traced the room, back and forth.

Maybe rephrase the second sentence to get rid of 'back and forth' - it feels repetitive.

“No. We can’t tell her. Not yet.” he told me while shuffling my tarot cards.

aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. This should be a comma, dear Flumadiddle, not a full stop. For the sake of my sanity, please check your dialogue for these types of errors.

“I can. We can’t,” I replied

This, for example, is perfectly punctuated. You can do it. It's just keeping it consistent.

The back of the cards faced me but I did not pick them back up

Auggie brought back up the memory of the last Abis and Holy Keepers

I'm also a little bit confused by this line. Do you mean Auggie is talking about it and we just don't get the dialogue, or do you mean he's literally forcing the memory into Mark's head by some telepathic means?

while their corpses lay still upon the ground.

You only used 'laid' when you're talking about someone laying an object down, as in 'he laid the tray down on the table'. When you're talking about something lying horizontal, you use 'lay', as in 'he lay on the grass and gazed at the moon'.

These two wouldn’t die. They would be more. They'd have to be, otherwise this world would succumb to a defeat unlike any other.

I looked back up at Auggie, my posture and eyes showing complete panic.

This piece of description has a very third-person vibe. How would Mark know his eyes were showing panic? A person can't see their own eyes. I'd comment more on the internal feelings of panic - for example, his stomach twisting or his heart beating in his throat. That will root us better in his perspective.

“But it could change yours. Well-”

Remember that pronouns such as 'his', 'hers', 'its' and 'yours' never have apostrophes.

“Shhhhh!” I quickly hushed him, hearing footsteps outside the door.

Considering he's saying 'shhhhh', there's no reason to say that he 'hushed' him; it's obvious from the dialogue. Maybe substitute it for 'I hissed' or 'I whispered'.

Hearing Auggie behind me, I looked back.

Overall Thoughts

1) I'm kind of in two minds about this chapter, so I'll start with the positive side. I feel like you handle this conversation well. It doesn't feel too deliberately expository or engineered to answer the reader's questions, but it's not so confusing that I can't get a sense of what they're talking about. While not perfect, it's definitely some of the best dialogue I've seen from you so far. I get some flavour of Mark's personality from it, though I think you could push that even further. For the most part, I still don't think your characters' voices are distinct enough.

2) I also like that we're getting some sense of drama, what with the revelation that Claric and Nayleth may be fated to sacrifice their lives for a greater cause. I feel like I'm getting a better sense of where the plot is headed now, but there's enough mystery for me to be unsure of how it's going to pan out.

3) On the other hand, I'm still finding this story pretty difficult to follow. I think it's moving much too quickly. You need to spend more time having Nat and Claric settle into their new environment before you start dropping massive twists about how they're doomed to die. At this point in the story, I basically know nothing about this world or its culture, and I don't really care about J or Sully because I've barely seen anything of their characters. If you spent more time showing Nat and Claric adjusting to their new life and discovering things about magic and the Celestials and the Holy Keepers, the revelation that they themselves are the Keepers will have much more impact. At the minute, I can't really feel any sense of drama or shock from this discovery because I have no idea what any of it means.

4) This chapter could probably do with a bit more description, as it's a bit sparse and dialogue-heavy at the minute. I'd like to know what the room they're in actually looks like. I didn't even realise it was daytime until halfway through the chapter; I was picturing the conversation as happening at night, probably due to where the last chapter broke off.

5) Which brings me to another point. This chapter doesn't lead on from the previous one very well. Chapter eight ends with Mark talking to Nat and Griffin about being the Holy Keepers, yet this one shifts straight to Mark's quarters (or room? Office? Where are they?), where he's having a different conversation with a completely different character. It makes me wonder what the heck actually happened after the end of chapter eight. Maybe consider revising the end of said chapter so it concludes in a more rounded-off sort of way.

6) I quite like Mark, even though I do want his personality to come across more strongly. He seems like an oddball. Like he's having this monumental conversation about the future of his world but he's just like 'yeah, can we hurry this up? I want to go to bed'. I don't know if it's intentionally funny on your part, but I quite liked it. Continue developing Mark's character. The same goes for the rest of the cast - let me see their quirks.

That's all for today. Quite a well-constructed chapter overall, but it needs more description and doesn't lead off well from the previous chapter. The rapid pacing and the confusing nature of the plot are my biggest concerns for the story so far, but your writing style and punctuation do seem to be improving. I only noticed two dialogue punctuation errors, which is promising. See if you can vanquish them entirely - that will make my whole week.

Keep writing!
~Pan