Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Attention! I will start every chapter with a quote and whoever perspective it is in!
“Power over a man’s subsistence is power over his will” - Alexander Hamilton
Nayleth - Chapter 6.1
The pain from my ears was gone. The girl. When she had rested her hands over mine, all of the pain disappeared. She numbed it.
We walked along the cobble road, but my brain was elsewhere. J was something else while Sully… Sully was a treat. Griffin had parents that were soldiers. He was an orphan, per say. I had told him a bit about my background but... I don't trust anyone with it. Even if they were fictional characters or people reading this in a book.
I ran my hands through my hair, my eyes still bothered by how bright everything was. There were colors that I had never seen before. It was like, it was like dusk and dawn were leaking into the real world, the colors more defined than ever before.
All of us stood in front of the door to Scale and Hail, not really saying anything until I decided to open the door.
The smell of ale, cigarettes and sweat washed over us. Me and Griffin both covered our noses immediately. My nostrils felt like they were on fire. Although the place had a sense of joy to it. Like these people would help, not harm.
I looked around the place, there was a counter with a bunch of barstools, tables and oak chairs speckled around the room. People filled the place. All of them were dancing, laughing and singing. In the middle of it all was Gram, sitting at a table. She was drinking something sweet and was made of grapes.
She looked over at us and smiled widely, waving us over with her key-like hand.
We all shuffled over sat Griffin sat right beside me while J and Sully sat opposite of us.
Gram looked at me, then looked at Griffin. Then, she smiled.
"So, welcome to Intermundos, Nayleth. Griffin, good to see you again, my dear. Those nasty people won't be bothering you for a long while now. You start classes in two days, night or day. Whichever you prefer. Oh, I forgot! Nayleth, this is-" Gram started to babble on but was interrupted by another voice that sliced through the pub like a knife through butter. To my ears at least.
"She knows who they are already, Zex. She's her father's daughter, she can figure things out for herself. Sup, kiddo? How you been?" His voice wasn't too loud to me, unlike the others in the room. All of the voices in the room sounded like yelling but his… his sounded normal.
"Stop mumbling and get over here Auggie," Gram retorted.
Wait, he was mumbling? Ah well. Maybe I just have better hearing than Gram.
I shot up out of my chair and without looking, without needing to, really. I ran head first into my uncle. He smelled the same, like licorice and foreign spices. But I could smell something else, something
Auggie stifled a surprised chuckle, like he wasn't expecting me to tackle him. But he hugged back, just as tightly.
"The same as you were ten years ago, Dragon. But... huh," he told me while I buried my head into his shoulder.
"Huh, what?" I muffled into his shoulder. I knew why he was surprised now. He radiated power, like Griffin did. He must've thought that I would have shied away, instead of launching toward him like a fangirl who was meeting their favorite actor or author.
He hugged me tighter, sighing into my shoulder. "Oh, you just seem... like you radiated power. Like I do. Most would cower in my wake but you acted like you were equal to it. Like you knew, that if you needed too, you could take me on in a fight. The both of you. Just interesting, is all." he told me and we finally ended our embrace.
I couldn't stop smiling. It was like the sun had finally begun to rise. But fighting? Gram did say something about soldiers. Maybe there was a war going on? Maybe there was more to this world then just superpowers and drunken metas.
But looking at my uncle, he seemed so much like my father in that moment. Like when he had come home on that fateful day where I knew something was wrong.
--
My father. We spent a lot of our time swinging on the old swingset back at the house. The one day, my mother was weeding out the garden, planting snapdragons. I was about eight at the time. My father had just returned home and gave me the ring that I now wear. The one that was the last thing he ever gave to me. I remembered him, how he behaved that night. He wasn’t himself. He wasn’t chipper. He wasn’t as wise. He had bags under his eyes and he had this stressed look.
He had smelled of fresh leather and melted lead that day. A sharp smell was there as well but I am not sure what it was. Jittering and jumpy was how he had come home and then… a week later…
A week later I was bored. It was a saturday. The rain was steady that day. Clouds covered the sky and I had been drinking honeyed tea.
My father was on the swing set when I went out to go swing. It was still raining then-a slight drizzle. He was just sitting there when I went out. Then his knees hit the ground and… and...
--
Auggie slid a chair up beside the table, the back of it facing the table. The noise had disrupted my thoughts. His arms rested lazily along the brim and his head rested upon his hands.
“So kiddo,” he began, biting into an apple he had stolen from a man’s grasp. “You know what you can do yet? Your form? No one radiates power like that unless they are one of the celestials. Time, Space, Abis and Holy. Unless you just got lucky.”
“Sup Claric? Doing well, huh?”
Griffin waved shyly, his hands taking apart the table cloth.
“I dunno,” was all I said, truly giving myself time to think what mine was.
“Well, lucky for you, you start classes with history and-”
“You teach it?!” I blurted out, somehow knowing that he did, in fact, teach history here. Auggie was always the history junkie in my family. My father preferred the art of jewelery making, fortune-telling and anything with time.
He looked at me surprised once more but then smiled my father’s smile. My heart went to my throat again at the sight.
“Yes. I do teach history. The others teachers would be Miss Shawn, Mr. Fuller, Miss Carve, Miss Ally, Mr. Mac and Mark. Yes, he is a teacher,” he told us as he finished the apple, throwing it directly into the trash can behind him without looking.
For the rest of the time we got small parts of information about this world. Like how Full Metas, no matter the age, can drink alcohol and not be affected. Another thing is that they explained was the celestials. Me and Griffin were both confused at first until they explained the basics.
So, the celestials were like the gods in this world. But they actually existed. No one has seen any of them in about ten years though. Not really keeping to the fact that they are real.
Space dealt with territory, where wars would wage. It was one of the lesser ones, per say. Time could see the the future and take others there. Show them glimpses. Abis and Holy, those two were special. They dealt with the dead.
These celestials were known as the Keepers. They protected the good and dominated the bad.
“You guys got that? Don’t worry about it. J and Sully know the ins and outs of this world so you got questions, ask them.” Auggie said and left, his bare feet slapping against the ground.
“Hey, wh-” J began to say but I reacted on instinct.
“7:32pm. Why?” I told them as I munched on a drumstick Gram had handed me. The flavor was spectacular.
They all looked at me, stunned. I shrugged my shoulders in return. Why were they stunned?
No one said anything about it, they just kept walking.
I ducked my head, my cheeks warm.
“We need to go now guys. Curfew is 9:00 pm and you both need to learn your way around the building.” Sully said, ignoring my question and with my good-bye to Gram, we headed out.
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Hey it's Izzy!
I liked thisssssssss
I say that every time haha but really I do enjoy this story and I am glad
Aww family reuniting! How sweet!
And a few details confused me a little when I read this the first time, but they all make sense in the end.
And what happened to her mom?
Izzy
You'll see. You'll see....
well I'm reviewing these in your google docs now so you don't need to tag me anymore
Still gonna.
"Sully was a treat." I am not sure what this meant, is he a treat to look at, if so describe his hotness!
“So kiddo,” he began, biting into an apple he had stolen from a man’s grasp. “You know what you can do yet? Your form? No one radiates power like that unless they are one of the celestials. Time, Space, Abis and Holy. Unless you just got lucky.” If Nayleth is as powerful as a celestial and the celestials are like gods, then why are people not making a big deal about them? Especially if no one has seen one in ten years, then all of the suddenly a person that radiates as much power as a celesta pops up and there is not a lot of staring, gossiping or like a ceremony. That does not seem likely.
"Abis and Holy, those two were special. They dealt with the dead." You explained the other celestials so why not these ones. I know that they deal with death, but how. There are many ways you can deal with death, like monitor where the dead go or they can raise the death. And do they both do the same thing. And lastly, I feel like the naming is off, Holy usually has to go with the living, but maybe you wanted it that way.
"These celestials were known as the Keepers. They protected the good and dominated the bad." How many are there, if they are like gods then there should not be that many, but I would like a number or a ruff estimated.
“That's… not odd, is it?” I asked as I finished the drumstick. Griffin was looking at me oddly, as if he was staring at me." This is not that odd, some people can tell the time because of the position of the sun, or some times they can just feel it. I mean it is a little odd but not that odd, my mom can do it. She kinda just feels it.
All in all it was fun to read and the story is interesting! I would love to get inside and hear more of the thoughts of the Nayleth and Griffin. I love the creative names, they are so fun! Please alert me when the next chapter comes out! Keep up the good work!
~Iris
"Sully was a treat." I am not sure what this meant, is he a treat to look at, if so describe his hotness!
“So kiddo,” he began, biting into an apple he had stolen from a man’s grasp. “You know what you can do yet? Your form? No one radiates power like that unless they are one of the celestials. Time, Space, Abis and Holy. Unless you just got lucky.” If Nayleth is as powerful as a celestial and the celestials are like gods, then why are people not making a big deal about them? Especially if no one has seen one in ten years, then all of the suddenly a person that radiates as much power as a celesta pops up and there is not a lot of staring, gossiping or like a ceremony. That does not seem likely.
"Abis and Holy, those two were special. They dealt with the dead." You explained the other celestials so why not these ones. I know that they deal with death, but how. There are many ways you can deal with death, like monitor where the dead go or they can raise the death. And do they both do the same thing. And lastly, I feel like the naming is off, Holy usually has to go with the living, but maybe you wanted it that way.
"These celestials were known as the Keepers. They protected the good and dominated the bad." How many are there, if they are like gods then there should not be that many, but I would like a number or a ruff estimated.
“That's… not odd, is it?” I asked as I finished the drumstick. Griffin was looking at me oddly, as if he was staring at me." This is not that odd, some people can tell the time because of the position of the sun, or some times they can just feel it. I mean it is a little odd but not that odd, my mom can do it. She kinda just feels it.
All in all it was fun to read and the story is interesting! I would love to get inside and hear more of the thoughts of the Nayleth and Griffin. I love the creative names, they are so fun! Please alert me when the next chapter comes out! Keep up the good work!
~Iris
Got it!
Hi, Flumaddle. Round six! It's great that you're cranking these out so quickly. Let's get straight to the nitpicks, which I'll point out as I go along.
Nitpicks
I don't really get what you mean by 'Sully was a treat'. The whole sentence is a bit confusing to me, actually.
The correct spelling is 'per se', as it's actually a Latin phrase. Also, while we're on the subject, you tend to misuse it sometimes. 'Per se' means 'by itself' in Latin, so you should only use it when you want to refer to a single thing on its own. Like this:
The pasta, per se, was rather nice, but the sauce was abominable.
This means 'the pasta by itself was rather nice, but the sauce was abominable', so the use of 'per se' makes sense. However, let's try the substitution with your quote:
He was an orphan by itself.
Doesn't really make sense, does it? This means 'per se' isn't appropriate.
I think you're getting it confused with 'shall we say', because you seem to use it in that sort of context. 'He was an orphan, shall we say' would be fine.
Okay, this is unclear. Do you mean this
It was like dusk and dawn were leaking into the real world
Or do you mean this?
It was like it was dusk and dawn was leaking into the real world.
The second one makes slightly more sense, but both are a bit confusing. I'm also not quite sure what you mean by 'real world' here. It makes it sound like the real world doesn't have dusk and dawn, even though it does.
How does she know just by looking at it that it's sweet and made of grapes? Is this to do with her heightened senses? If it is, you should make that clear.
Bit of a messy sentence. Maybe:
We all shuffled over. Griffin sat beside me while J and Sully sat opposite.
I've mentioned before about putting commas before names. Check out my previous reviews again.
The first sentence is a fragment, which means it hasn't got enough information in it to stand alone. Maybe have this:
I shot up out of my chair and without looking - without needing to, really - I ran head first into my uncle.
Or perhaps:
I shot up out of my chair. Without looking - without needing to, really - I ran head first into my uncle.
Something what? Something...unique? Bad dum tss. But seriously, there's a missing word here.
You overuse 'radiated power'. Try to find a few alternative ways of expressing the phrase, because I can't believe that every character would describe it in the same words.
It's a matter of opinion, but I feel like this last line will have WAY more impact if you cut the bit I've scored out. The 'and...'s just make it feel like you're deliberately trying to string the suspense out, which ruins it for me. It's unnecessary, as well, because there's enough suspense anyway.
(Side note: I really like the rest of that flashback paragraph. It's excellently controlled. I love the transition from 'and then, a week later...' to 'a week later I was bored'. It feels like you're holding back on the information and it makes the passage brilliantly ominous).
You need to indicate that Auggie is still speaking, because starting a new line makes it look like someone else is saying it. Maybe have something like:
“So, kiddo,” he began, biting into an apple he had stolen from a man’s grasp. “You know what you can do yet? Your form? No one radiates power like that unless they're one of the celestials. Time, Space, Abis and Holy. Unless you just got lucky." He swallowed his chunk of apple, tilting his head to Griffin. “Sup, Claric? Doing well, huh?”
That just makes it a bit more obvious that he's still the one talking, but feel free to adjust it however you like.
Already??? He only just started it!
Aw, poor them. Still, at least they don't get hangovers.
I will point out that this is a pretty random bit of information. I'm not sure why its crucial for us to know, especially considering how many other pressing questions the reader has, but it's a neat bit of trivia.
You need to transition between these moments more cleanly, because I assumed that J was calling after Auggie here. Maybe just insert a line or two between these bits of dialogue so that we know Auggie has completely departed before J starts to speak.
Overall Thoughts
1) And we have lift-off! This is easily the best chapter yet. The grammar is far, far better (as you promised) and I feel like the whole piece is just generally more coherent and enjoyable to read. The dialogue, while still shaky in places, has improved in terms of the realism, and you seem to be getting a stronger sense of sentence control too. You've taken a massive step in the right direction.
2) I like the flashback - it's probably the best-written section I've seen from you so far - but I think it comes a bit out of nowhere. Try to build up to it a bit more. Give Nayleth a clearer reason to start reminiscing, because otherwise it will just seem out of place.
3) Why oh why have Nayleth and Griffin still not asked how they're connected? Auggie greeted him like he was some old family friend, but Nat's still acting completely oblivious to it. Why doesn't she want to know why she can't remember him? Why doesn't she want to know about the link between them?
I generally feel like Nayleth and Griffin are strangely cool with the fact that they've been catapulted into this bizarre parallel world full of magic and gods. You'd think they'd be a bit more alarmed by it, but they're just happily ticking on without any major freak-outs or hysterical 'I must be dreaming' moments. I could sort of understand it if they were in a situation so perilous they didn't have time to process the absurdity of it, but they aren't. There's no adrenaline to blanket the confusion. The people with the answers are right in front of them, yet they're not asking the most pressing questions. As a consequence, it doesn't feel realistic.
4) I don't buy that it would take so long for Nayleth to realise that what she did at the end of the chapter was strange. For starters, she answered the question before it had been asked, which pushes it into Instantly Weird territory. For seconds, she'd realise without looking around the room that she hadn't looked at a clock. Her reaction is strangely delayed.
5) I may be wrong, but I'm guessing you're trying to foreshadow that Nayleth is one of these celestials - presumably one of the ones that can see the future. If I'm right about this, tone the hints down a bit; it seems far too obvious at the minute. If I'm wrong about this, hurrah! I hate guessing plot twists.
I'll call the review here. I hope this was helpful. I'm super glad to see you've polished the grammar and punctuation so much, because it really makes a huge difference to the readability. Just keep an eye on your dialogue punctuation, because it's still inconsistent, and pay attention to how you structure your scenes, as there's a few disjointed moments in this chapter. On the whole though, miles better. Looking forward to more.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thanks Pan. And yes, Nat is one of them. But she is an odd mixture. I will explain that MUCH farther in to the story.
Okay, so I am sort of right. In that case, I would definitely try to signpost it less - it feels like you're hinting very, very heavily at the minute.
Yeah, I was reading over it earlier and figured it would need some fine tuning.
@DemonGoddess @LordTachanka @DarkPandemonium @Irislillygray @Steggy
Wow! I am amazed! You get your chapters out so fast! Any tips for a struggling procrastinator?
~Iris
Keep writing even when you don't feel like. Write when you have a writers block. Write and write and write. Think of it as a game. Think of it as something fun. You gonna review? @Irislillygray
I will! Might take some time, I so slow.....
Take your time!