The line break on the first italics line I absolutely hated. Eugh, I dunno why, but it just threw me horribly.
Moving on ...
Do you have an obsession with stars? They're such a poetic cliche to use in poems and you seem to use them an awful lot. So the second stanza seemed a little average and normal to me. Just ... boring. Nothing new was spoken to me. However, the next stanza relit my belief in this poem. I loved the "I" on it's own line to emphasise it's individuality, and the parentheses. That was great.
The ending was ... a disappointment. I loved "your late-night cappucino" and was expecting something a bit more than a cliched phrase. In fact, that's symbolic of the whole thing. I was expecting a little but more but it seemed to be a relapse into nothing again.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
I didn't like the line breaks, either. It was way too broken up that way. I couldn't even concentrate on the poem.
--Di
The "dark angel" was a reference to Thomas Wolfe...
I like this stanza:
And I agree, dark angel sounds lame. The stars are nice, but... well... it seems disconnected from the poem and the poem itself is so rambling that it doesn't seem to have a conclusion or, in a way, a point. That's why I liked that one stanza. It seemed to tie in with your conclusion and not ramble too much.
You said, "I'm glad
I met you." I laughed because,
well, because.
Otherwise... I've learned to expect better from you.
Write more.
i certainly feel at a loss. i can't help but vouch for the other side, though - i believe this was a very good poem. i'm not particularly disgusted by cliches - if used correctly and not jam-packed together, they still can be beautiful. since this poem commonly strung a note of originality, the cliche can not ruin it, but only fit in. the only part i must critizise on was the fact that you wrote
I believe you should put "I" on the same line. it's appears to flow better that way.
and, also:
c'mon - you can do better!
the beginning, though, really caught my eye and touched me personally. i thought it was beautiful. the ending was nothing outstanding, but it certainly made the cut. all in all, don't drag yourself down. though you can be better, your "okay" is far above many people's "best".
You should have been harder.
This is severely lacking a lot of poetic rhythm and meaning. I didn't really want to post a poem about an event that hasn't ended (I did), and this is why. It's awful trying to (re-)cap something that hasn't ended.