I don't know why you worry
That there's music in my head.
Take me to doctor after doctor,
But I'm not exactly dead.
I simply like to listen
To the nameless wordless notes.
It saddens me that you are deafened
To the song, the way it floats.
When you all see me dancing,
To the music and the beat,
You say that I am crazy
For daring to move my feet.
I simply love the music
Why can't that be all there is?
But it seems that I must suffer
To enjoy my simple gifts.
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
This poem expresses your message of being judged for only wanting to enjoy 'simple gifts,' quite clearly as the verses are short and direct. I like how the poem not only conveys a message but is rhythmic and rhyming which makes me feel pleased after reading. Also you could use some more metaphors to make the poem even more interesting and maybe some more emotive language to really understand how you feel! But except from that I love that this poem relatable and meaningful so thanks for sharing and please keep writing!
I'm a musician, I love music, it's my passion along with writing, but all this did was confuse the shit out of me. I get that a lot of poetry's beauty comes from ambiguity and being cryptic, but it's a bit too much.
On a positive note, it flows well and some positive vibes do manage to radiate through the confusion.
Keep at it, dude! But remember, this is only my opinion, one guy.
Wow, this poem was very interesting! I like how it was written about someone who is shunned for something beautiful, or as you call it in your poem, a "simple gift", because that really is what society is like today. People who aren't like the rest get shunned, much like the person in this poem, even if their differences are what make them beautiful. I also enjoy how the person says "it saddens me that you are deafened", almost as if saying that it's sad to be alone in a world where everyone else is the same, and can't hear the music.
I like this poem a lot, and encourage you to write more like it! Great work!
I love this piece! Reminds me of a poem I wrote years and years ago called "Song in my Head" (I think I was 11 or 12 - it's published on YWS but don't read it, it's so embarrassing!).
First of all, your rhyming and punctuation are superb.
I have very few suggestions for improvement, but I'll do my best.
Here goes:
"To the nameless wordless notes."
I would add a comma between nameless and wordless.
I know that you're doing this in order to create a rhyme, but I really don't like the use of a question in the third last line of this piece. In my opinion, questions can take away from a poem because they don't really add any substance.
Also, reminder that not every line needs to start with a capital letter - only if it's the beginning of a sentence. You could also expand this poem and add more imagery but personally, I like it the way it is - short and sweet!
Hey!Hello!Hi!Hey there!Merry Christmas and everything...
Okay
First of all it's about your 3rd and 4th line:
'Take me to doctor after doctor'
'But I'm not exactly dead'
I didn't get what these are about. I'm sorry but they are a little weird.
I love your last eight lines:
When you all see me dancing,
To the music and the beat,
You say that I am crazy
For daring to move my feet.
I simply love the music
Why can't that be all there is?
But it seems that I must suffer
To enjoy my simple gifts.
About the line:
It saddens me that you are deafened
It will be good to hear if it's:
It makes me sad that you are deafened
Good to hear or in my case 'Wordy'
But it wasn't really needed to put a comma after your 9th line.
Still it's a rythmic one. I don't approve with fortis. The poetry is good. I like your subject.
Mmmm.... Music is nearly everything to me.
Keep writing more poems.
Happy New Year and good bye.....
Urba
Hello!
This was an interesting poem: I like the concept.
So "is" and "gifts" don't exactly rhyme, though I appreciate your effort. The lines that you made rhyme read as pretty forced. They read like you wouldn't write them that way if you weren't rhyming, and that's not good. I'd suggest you get rid of it, but I understand if you want to keep it. It fits the tone of this piece.
--
Also, your rhythm is awkward in places such as:
I'd suggest: "take me to the doctor"
That first line has too many words, and something about the comma in the second line bothers me.
I think "all" here is unnecessary, and it messes with the rhythm. Also, you don't need a comma after this sentence.
"daring" here is throwing off the rhythm.
I suggest changing that little part to something along the lines of:
"You all see me dancing
to the music and the beat,
but you say that I am crazy
when I move my feet."
I know I brought the "all" back, but that's how you maintain your rhythm while still making sense.
--
And then sometimes the content is confusing:
This just doesn't sound like anything anyone would say. But I think you had it here just so you could rhyme, so again, don't feel like you have to rhyme.
This isn't a content issue, but I just noticed it. I think you need a comma between nameless and wordless.
So the person is sad that the other person can't specifically hear the way that "it floats." That doesn't really make sense. Again, I think this is because you're trying to rhyme. Just have them be sad that they can't hear the song at all, not just specifically the way it floats.
I understand what you're trying to say here... but it doesn't really... work... for me.
I'm not sure how to tell you to fix it though.
Again, I get what you're saying here, and this advice is more about the whole poem than about this last line.
I'm left feeling unsatisfied... I don't really understand what this person means by "music in their head." Is it like, actual music that plays in their head? Or just having music stuck in their head? I wish there was more about that.
Anyway, I enjoyed this poem. c:
I hope this helped!
Great job, Keep writing!
~fortis
Hi, its wonderland ashes. Can I just start by saying, I LOVE THIS POEM SO SO SO MUCH! Honestly, how can put it so perfectly like that! The message is spot-on, the word choice is great, and the rhythm is almost perfect. The only thing I would change is that when you say, "You say that I am crazy, For daring to move my feet." I would consider changing it to You say that I am crazy, To dare to move my feet." because it might make the flow smoother. However, whatever you want to do is the best thing to do! Keep on writing, you have unbelievable talent!
--wonderlandashes
WOW this is great! I can't believe OH HI I'm RainbowPowerPonies as You can see by my name tag and I'm going to review as you can tell by the fact of how long this is gonna be.
It's that "type" of year again! Lol
CHRISTMAS IN YWS okay so this is CRAZY good! The Spelling is good NO AMAZING the grammar in the same respect. and even though short on emotion is a good poem all and all.
There's a strange two lines here that I don't understand and I wonder if the three lines are supposed to be connected?
Take me to doctor after doctor,
But I'm not exactly dead.
I simply like to listen
I also wonder if the line after that is also connected...
My favorite part of this poem is what I consider the last stanza.
When you all see me dancing,
To the music and the beat,
You say that I am crazy
For daring to move my feet.
I simply love the music
Why can't that be all there is?
But it seems that I must suffer
To enjoy my simple gifts.
in my opinion BEST LINE
I hope you take my advise with this poem to make it a little more clear and a little more... emotional?
KEEP WRITING BECAUSE YOU KNOW I WILL BE WAITING SO THAT I MAY START READING
Sincerely done reviewing this work,
RainbowPowerPonies