Don't go

This is great writing!! I overall enjoyed reading this! I can sense the imagery used in here, and I notice the feelings displayed. It sounds like the narrator is crazy and also crazy for love, in a way. You've done a terrific job on this!!

"You wouldn't play my little games" is probably my favorite line. It makes me envision that the narrator is a murderer and his 'toys' or 'game pieces' are humans that he/she tortures or killed a character. The person is crazy. And if that was your intention, then congratulations, because it seems as if everyone else sees it that way!

Creativity was put in this poem, which I love that!! To me, it seems as if the narrator is female talking to a male who lost his love.. I hope that's right. Creepy little message, but cool and I liked reading it over and over and over for the fun of it.

Not hard to understand, easy to read, and the way each sentence isn't the same length shows incomplete thoughts, or abusive ones. I think you just wrote it that way and didn't change the length, because crazy people aren't neat and orderly (at least the ones I know! No crazy people on here though).

No negatives, so I hope you like reading this review!! It'd be nice to chat, and I'll make sure to read your other works. Have a great night and happy writing!!

Wow, that was pretty creepy but I also thought it was really well written. If you were trying to portay the narrator as being a little crazy, then I think you did a good job of that.

Hey Firepower13,

You've written a really nice poem. It couldn't strike really well in the first read but when I read it for the second time, the picture and idea was a lot clearer. I really like your imagination and the way you've put it into words. The fact that t needs a second reading proves that you've written it in a thrilling and mysterious way that serves justice to the dark story.

"I'm sorry that lady you loved
Passed away during the games"
(Apart from this line, no other hint suggests the gender of the narrator and the relationship could get a bit confusing for some)

All in all, it's a great piece!
Happy writing

- Ishita Dutt

First I want you to know that I'm not really good at giving reviews but still I'll point out some thing I think you could have made a little but difference in.
Don't you think the should be a comma after don't leave.
I don't really see any sorts of commas,full stops or anything at all. I t would be really nice to include all that.
You could have put all three words stubborn,unyielding and frustrating in a single line like this.
A poem is supposed to be a few lines with so much meaning telling a long story.
You could've include emotional state of the girl like 'Now I've gone crazy,what to do?'.
I don't see any kind of metaphors or rhyming words in this poem.You could've also included a refrain.

I actually really ,really like this poem, as with any creepier dark poem it's going to be knit picked or criticized.
The idea and the concept of the poem is really original and you have a style of writing that's completely your own so not everyone is going to understand it.
You use big descriptive words and your writing is never boring.
you have alot of potential as a writer i hope you keep it up.

Hello, Firepower13!

I'm not quite sure I understand this. The general idea, I understand. The narrator wants this other person to stay and ends up hurting/killing them so that they will stay. All right.

But what I don't understand is the most important part: the relationship between the narrator and this other person. Poetry is all about connections, really, and I am not sure what connection is supposed to give more meaning to this crime. Are they lovers? Friends? Why would the other person go? Did the narrator do something that has wronged the other person in the past? There are more questions than there are answers. Some questions are all right, but there are so many gaps in the situation that it needs to be remedied to become a coherent poem.

This poem feels disjointed. I think it's because you do what many young poets do and use the line breaks as some kind of punctuation instead of using punctuation as punctuation. When reading poetry aloud, there shouldn't really be any pause at the end of a line, and so what you would have here is a big long sentence with no pauses. I suggest punctuating this more conventionally. Put periods at the end of complete thoughts, and commas when you want your idea to continue onto the next line.

When I was younger, and not as elegant at writing poetry, I also used the one word lines to make the words punchier. Many young poets do this, and while it emphasizes the words a little, there really is nothing that connects the words with the situation because they're so isolated. Instead of using these one word lines, try incorporating simile and metaphor to get your point across. For example, think of things that are unyielding. There are obvious answers: stones, ice, metal, etc. There are also less obvious answers, but I'll leave those for you to find. Instead of simply saying "unyielding," try saying something like "unyielding as a fortress" or something like that. Invoke images in the readers mind to keep them engaged and make those words even stronger.

I'm sorry that the lady you loved
Passed away during the games

Hi!

This is ILoveBooks123 and ready to review for your poem!

So shall we start?

First of all, I like this poem actually. It was interesting as I read every lines of the poem. It was short, quick but it was simple and wonderful. This would actually relate other people like this! Seriouslyto be honest, I experience this kind of problem. But the story is long, so I just leave it like that. This hti many people like a ton of brick to be honest actually. So well done!

Okay mistakes? I couldnt find anything after all but when I read it again and saw something. Like this line: "All I wanted was to be friends." Is this really like this? Oh well maybe is it. Don't worry I have no problem with that after all. I just want to say your format and how short is it was actually quite good.

Okay everything is good. No more mistakes. I have to say I have nothing else to say except great job and keep this up. This poem might nit be rhyme but it's still good. Just continue to write good poems, most people like tse kid of poems and I'm one of them.

Thats all!

~ILoveBooks123

I'd just like to say that this poem was very interesting, and I really enjoyed reading the lines. My take on this poem might have something to do with the Charlie Charlie game sweeping the schools at the moment, but I gather that it might be about a game to talk to the supernatural? With the lines 'you wouldn't play my little games' and 'passed away during the games', I think the whole story is about messing up what the addressee thought was a game. Even if that's not the message, I'm going take it from that.
The structure of the poem was clunky, with some being long and others being short. It really added to the tone and theme of the poem, which was partially regretful and partially manipulative. The single word lines seem to be accusing, and the adjectives themselves being negative, added to the negative mood.
The way you went back and forth as to who was to blame could have been relayed better, what with the "I'm sorry" which turned into "It's your fault", only to revert back to "I'm to blame". You know those people who always say sorry and it's their fault for you to feel bad? I believe you could have stuck to that tone through the 'It's your fault' lines, and still conveyed this message well.
Overall, I really enjoyed the poem, and you did very well on it~

Fanta here!
I like the way you wrote your poem. It was quick and smooth, and I did not see any mistakes. However, yes that big fat "however", I did find the plot of the poem a bit morbid and disturbing. Especially at the part "But not you're bleeding all over the tiles". There is nothing wrong about a scary story or poem, but sometimes they might be overwhelming. This is not overwhelming, though. I just want to say that this is a bit disturbing.
Anyway, good job.
Good luck and keep writing!!!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01.

Hello! Here for a review!

Just like to say that i love this. The story is true to all of those clingy loves! I had a similar experience too with someone. That was so.long ago and i was so little then. Thank you for embodying this classic tale in a poem, in the abuser's point of view too! :') brings bitter memories, but hey, by doing so, you nailed it!

With the general structure, it was really good and the pausing was perfect to really show the speaker's way of delivery. Honestly, i wouldn't be so surprised if in the ending, the narrator would be sobbing! )

I adore the morbid-implied part there too. Somehow, shows the bleeding of the friend and the narrator, one bleeding to go and the one bleeding to stay.

Okay. That's a wrap up! Hope this was good motivation! Good luck on your future writings!

-waltzing

Hello there! Delirium here to give you a review.

I just want to stop for a moment and say wow, this hit home harder than I thought. In my early teen years I had an abusive friendship with a person of whom this poem just brings rushing back into my head. Every line I read just screamed her name. She would play mind games and controlled me mentally and emotionally, and would beat me every day in and out of school. She isolated me from others and hurtled me into depression.

Though this piece doesn't rhyme, I feel that the choppy, uneven rhythm adds to the mood of the piece. It allows the reader to feel just a bit mad, like the narrator, who is clearly manipulative. I love the way you used some lines with only single words to add emphasis. It really added to the overall feel of the piece.

10/10 You did an amazing job with this piece and I have to say I haven't read anything quite like my personal experience in all my life. This has really touched home.

I look forward to reading more, and keep on writing!

xx- Delirium