Last paragraph of second chapter:
"So far, things were going really well. She entered the store and was
surprised to see that it had very few people inside. All the better for
her. The less time she spent among people, the better. She headed
straight for the shirts and pants rack."
She'd found a pair of blue jeans with holes in the legs, a black tank top and a denim jacket. She bought a pair of sunglasses as well and exiting the thrift store, she walked across the street to a grocery store. She found a box of platinum blond hair dye and a pair of scissors. Perfect! At the checkout lane, Natalia remained patient with the cashier. He appeared to be about nineteen, and obviously smoked a little to much.
"You're hair is quite pretty as is. Watcha dyin it for?" He asked conversationally. Natalia smiled sweetly.
"Why, thank you. I've got a costume party coming up." She didn't elaborate. Too much information could be suspicious, though she was pretty sure if she told this guy he was going to be tortured by aliens tomorrow, he would believe her.
"Hope you have fun. Say, are you new around here? If you want to get to know the city, I could show you around sometime." He grinned at her. Natalia gritted her teeth, but kept her voice the same.
"I'm sorry, but I'm just passing through. Have an nice day!" She grabbed her bag and left.
"If that's how he picks up girls, he's going to be a sad little boy for a long time." She thought to herself. She adjusted her pistol that lay concealed beneath her shirt and went in search of a public restroom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While Natalia had been doing all of this, Lily was pacing up and down in front of her desk. Once Detective Prete came back with the information he had received, they looked her up. Detective Prete was sure she was hiding something, if not downright lying. They had entered “Lauren Shore” into the computer, and while that particular name had not come up, a Maria Shore had.
Turns out, Maria Shore was Natalia’s aunt, who had taken her in after her parents had died when she was ten years old. When Natalia was thirteen, they had moved from Russia to New Mexico. Two years later, Maria Shore died, and Natalia disappeared. There was a picture of Natalia from the age of thirteen, and though there was a lot of difference, it was still "Lauren."
Lily and the detective had then gotten together with the sketch artist and come up with a decent picture, which had then been handed out to all the precincts and were being passed out on the streets.
"She's hiding something, that much is obvious." Lily said. "She's too good to be some random girl who wants to avoid the police. She's working for someone, and she's had training. She's gone underground now." She looked at Prete. "I want to get whatever files Russia and New Mexico have on her. Something is going on, and I'll be damned if I can't figure out what."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Sooooooo gooooood!!!!! Great job!
Hey! This story is great and I can't wait to read the rest! This is just my opinion and you are welcome to do whatever you want with it. Mine may differ from other people's, so it's up to your discretion. Also, I may sound harsh, but I have the best intentions, and hope to help.
"Ignoring the wolf whistles from some of the men in front of bar, she crossed the busy street and disappeared into the crowd." There was a bar? Also, don't forget the "the" before bar. But other than that, I really enjoyed this sentence.
"Natalia adjusted the pistol under her shirt into a more comfortable position and kept walking. Nearing a restaurant, she saw a young man leaning lazily on a motorcycle. She had just passed him when he spoke." I wasn't aware that she had a pistol. Where could she had gotten one? She couldn't have had it before because the doctors would have noticed and taken it away in the hospital. Also maybe add something about her injuries. By this point, it appears as though she never had the accident. Maybe the salesman from before commenting on it? Sorry, just had that random though.
Also, if she knew who the man was, why did she pass him without taking notice?
“I’m crushed.”
Add that he was sarcastic or something, or maybe a description of the man.
"Three gas stations and 70 miles later, Natalia came to a stop in front of an old country mansion." How much money did she have? It would have to be cash because a credit card could be tracked. (Unless that is your intention, but your character seems smarter than that.)
"old country mansion." Try describing the mansion a little more. What color was it? Did it have gardens? What did they look like? (Also perfected time to add in season with the garden) Was it run down, was it cleaned. Were there any cobwebs? Where did she park? Did she felt the need to hide the motorcycle? Did she need to keep it safe from the rain since it technically wasn't hers? All things to consider.
At the end, why did they want to catch her? It's fine if its your intention to not tells us that though.
Again, all of these are just suggestions.
Thanks!
That was a great chapter:)
I think you wanted to write something Else than: ‘’Not so fast. The way I see it, I OUGHT to Get something for doing this.’’ Like ‘’I tought’’ maybe?
You have written that she livet in Russia with her aunt in a while, I tought that was kind a fun. Because I have lives in russia for a while too!
Just think over this: I think that you maybe scould write a little from the end of the last chapter, so you don’t have to re-read it, or don’t remember quit What happened.
I LOVE this story, and I am really lokking for to read more!
Toomorrow is it halloween!! So happy halloween! <3:)
Hugs from WriterSis.
Happy Halloween to you too!
*that she lived in. I have lived in russia. Really looking for.