PROLOGUE
A car is parked next to the walking trail of a river on a rainy August night. Between the noise of the running car, the wind and the rain, no one could hear the raging of a young woman. The slamming of fists against a steering wheel, screams and sobs of anger and pain. She kept picking her phone and putting back down, waiting for a his name to appear on the screen. On the other hand, she also didn’t want to have anything to do with him. The girl was exhausted. Exhausted from putting her heart into someone and being ignored and walked all over. The entire three years went running through her head. Two years of being friends, and a year and a half of being together. Why were people so selfish and uncaring? She had stayed with him through surgeries, addiction, she was the only one who stayed. The “Thank you’s” and “I love you” had lost the sincerity months ago. If he could see how angry and tired she was, it wouldn’t change anything. He was to immature, selfish and sheltered. Through the last few months and the tears though, the girl had come to realize that she’d never really, deeply, truly loved him.
True, pure, deep love had only happened to her once. The ache had taken a year to disappear. When she remembered the day that he walked away without a glance backwards. Her life had crumbled after that, but she had managed to keep going. Her hand curled and her fist hit the roof as she screamed her rage and pain into the night. What was worse? The lies that she had told and lived, or the way he treated her? Who was she supposed to hate more? Herself for staying, or him for the manipulation, guilt tripping and hitting? There was a sudden pause, the only sounds being the wind and the rain. The woman froze as a wave of memories hit her, her skin crawled at the thought of his touch, how often and how much she’d let him. Some willingly, but some out of fear. The door flew open and she fell to her knees, retching as she threw up. There had only been one time she’d enjoyed laying with him, but the feeling that had come over her afterwards had been a steep price to pay. She kept paying it though, it got worse every time. Every time the nasuea and self loathing became stronger and stronger. The faking became easier. The fear became stronger. Saying no didn't really work. He would either get sulky or ignore her. It didn't matter if she was sick or tired or just didn't want to. He always had to have his way.
Her head came up and her eyes stared into the darkness that the trail wound into. Shaking, soaked to the bone she pulled herself up, reached in and turned the car off. The wind and rain ceased to exist, the cold no longer chilled her bones. The hardness in her blue eyes was unwavering as she started down the trail, first walking, then running. The bushes and trees tore at her clothes and skin, the pain didn’t register.Liana gasped as she plunged into the river, the cold shocking her for a minute. Her chest tightened in fear as her feet lost contact with the ground. Liana could only swim well enough to keep her head above water, even that was a struggle. Her only focus was to get to the other side. The thorns dug into her hands as she pulled herself onto the bank, gasping for air. There was a quick minute of second thought, of what she’d be leaving behind. It was quickly erased though. She'd had enough of being strong for everyone else, for carrying everyone else, but never being someone’s first priority or care. Her hands grabbed blindly yet firmly as she climbed and scrambled up the cliff. This was her second trip up this particular path, there was one specific spot she needed. Finally reaching it, she sat down, her chest heaving. Awareness of everything finally hit her, the rain hitting her face, her soaked hair and clothes, the scratches and blood on her skin.
“They will pay!” Her voice rang out to no one, drowned by the thunder. A flash of lightning, her hands and backed pressed against a tree. One more flash and her body was sliding down the rock wall. The last sound of the night was a splash of something falling into the river.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Heyo! Here to review!
Quick line edits for cleaning up the prose:
Just some quick edits for this sentence, grammatically.
I'd suggest taking out "on the other hand" because it's not preceded by a "on one hand." In my opinion, "on the other hand" doesn't make much sense if you never mention the "first hand" to complete the saying.
There were a few more small edits I noticed, but it didn't interrupt the flow too intensely.
As for content, I appreciate how emotive your writing is! That comes across powerfully in this chapter. There's a lot of telling of the context, and showing how it's affecting her in the present. I think you balance both in a way that serves the moment.
Liana is definitely going through it, and I can tell she's having a bit of a manic breakdown. She's not thinking clearly, driving out into a storm, running into, swimming when she can't swim, climbing through brambles, and shouting to the sky. I have a feeling the drama will continue -- but, we'll wait to see what comes!
I'll echo Koko in that there is a lot of information put together in big paragraphs. That doesn't bother me personally, but visually, it can be a little harder to navigate. I think the stream-of-conscious reflecting Liana is having in the second-person POV feels effective because of the bulkiness, but it could be trimmed up a little, or broken up a bit so it doesn't come off as too info-dumpy?
Just some things to take into consideration! Enjoyed this read.
Hi! Just here to do a small little review.
Wow, I was taken aback by this. From the first line I was completely memorized. The rage, the confusion, the noise and sounds were all so vividly described I could feel it in my chest! You make it very easy to connect with Liana on a personal level, describing every ounce of hurt and trauma that just makes it feel even more real. Only three paragraphs and yet I already feel so attached to Liana's story. That is impressive, really.
I don't have many complaints, to be honest. If anything, I'd say maybe splitting it into a few more paragraphs would've made it a bit easier on the eyes, but that just may be a personal preference.
Overall, I am stunned by this story and it will definitely be on my mind for a while. Bravo!
Hi there! Green here to review
I can really visualise this female anger! I feel so bad for this woman, and i like how you don't explicitly say what has happened in this first paragraph, but it's easy to work out from the way you've written it so cleverly!
Characterization: The protagonist, Liana, is shown to have had experienced a traumatic relationship. She has been through a lot of emotional and physical pain, and she is portrayed as having reached a breaking point. She is strong-willed, determined, and resilient, but she has also been carrying a lot of emotional baggage and has finally reached her limit. Your portray her character and her feelings of anger and sadness so poignantly through your writing!
Writing Style: The writing style is very descriptive and intense, with vivid sensory details that help to convey the protagonist's emotional state. The use of metaphors, such as the river as a threshold, adds depth to the story and contributes to its themes. The writing is also fast-paced and suspenseful, keeping the reader engaged throughout the story. However, while the protagonist is well-written, i do think there is room for further character development here. The reader would benefit from learning more about Liana's background and the events that led up to her traumatic relationship, through her memories perhaps. This would provide a better understanding of her motivations and help the reader to connect with her on a deeper level. We can feel her anger, and work out the basics of why, but perhaps some more little details here and there would help fill out the gaps.
The ending of the story is abrupt and leaves the reader with a sense of uncertainty. The lightning flashes and the sound of a body sliding down the rock wall further heighten the sense of danger and uncertainty, leaving the reader to wonder what has happened to the protagonist. Maybe it's just me, but I wasn't sure if she was struck by lightning and fell in, or if she jumped in again.
Overall: Your story has a strong and emotive opening that immediately captures the reader's attention. Liana's inner turmoil is depicted in vivid detail, allowing the reader to understand the depth of her pain and confusion. The use of imagery, such as the wind and rain, adds to the atmosphere of the scene and helps to convey the protagonist's emotions.
I really enjoyed it, and I hope to read more of your writing in the future!
@4revgreen
So I went through and put in some more details, broke it into more paragraphs and hopefully didn't take away from the vividness and emotions. I'd love your feedback though if you want to read it!