Back at the hotel, Natalia flopped down on her bed, thinking. This Robin Carlo was obviously high up on the totem pole, as was signified by his manner and his estate. Shirley Carlo also was not what she appeared. She was too good of an actress, and there was something that was just a little too old-fashioned and polished about her. Also, the way her and Robin interacted wasn’t quite like brother and sister. Natalia sat up as a thought struck her. David had said that Robin’s former secretary had been his girlfriend. There was sure to be something on her somewhere. If she was still alive, then she could quite possibly tell Natalia something about Robin. The more she thought on it, the more the idea had merit. She slipped on some slippers and pulling on a robe, walked over to David’s room.
“It’s a possibility.” David said musingly, when Natalia had told him. “I’ll dig into it more tomorrow and see what I can find. Maybe you’ll be able to get him to talk about her as well.” He added, and Natalia nodded.
“There’s something here I can’t put my finger on.” Natalia said, her eyes distant, and then she went back to her own room, still thinking.
While all of this had been happening to Natalia, Lily had been busy. The posters had been put up, and almost instantly, a store clerk had come in to the police station saying that he had seen that girl in the store. Lily went back to the conversation in her head.
“Are you sure this is the girl you saw?”
“Yep. She bought a box of hair dye and some scissors. Said she was goin to a costume party.”
“Is that all she said?”
“Yep.”
Lily sighed and rubbed her head. Whoever or whatever this girl was, she was good. All they had was the fact that she had bought a box of blond hair dye. Several others had said that they had seen a girl with blond chin length hair, who’s face looked a lot like Natalia’s, but there were a lot of blond girls out there. Lily groaned. There had to be some way to find this girl. Lily had never, ever seen any girl of any age that was this good at….disappearing. This girl had training of some sort, from somewhere. The question was, from who and where and when and why. She had to find Natalia, and she had to get some answers from her. Had to. Lily started up as an idea occurred to her. Shirley Carlo was working as a police informant, but she got around. A lot. She might have seen Natalia, or know someone who had. Lily reached for her phone and dialed a number.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Katness here
This review is not intended to hurt you, or make your work seem bad, nor to offend you never the less you may be offended anyway so heads up!
Style and Description
You have me interested all right, but I think there is a lack if description. Let me take this whole paragraph.
Back at the hotel, Natalia flopped down on her bed, thinking. This Robin Carlo was obviously high up on the totem pole, as was signified by his manner and his estate. Shirley Carlo also was not what she appeared. She was too good of an actress, and there was something that was just a little too old-fashioned and polished about her. Also, the way her and Robin interacted wasn't quite like brother and sister. Natalia sat up as a thought struck her. David had said that Robin’s former secretary had been his girlfriend. There was sure to be something on her somewhere. If she was still alive, then she could quite possibly tell Natalia something about Robin. The more she thought on it, the more the idea had merit. She slipped on some slippers and pulling on a robe, walked over to David’s room.
All that is all about her thoughts nothing on what the room is like. What color is it? What was the bed like? I believe that you used the words good and too good. Maybe try some other phrase. I just don't think it fits. Okay so also this sentence I think could use some juicing up.
Natalia sat up as a thought struck her
It sounds boring to me. Try this
Natalia jumped suddenly as a thought struck her.
Maybe try having her say some exclamation even if it's just That's it!
Also there seems to be lack of character development. She doesn't do much that gives her character. At least in this chapter. Try adding more action.
Spelling and Grammar
Possibility maybe misspelled as possibility first off, and you missed the last g on going.
Who's also doesn't seem right somehow. That's just me. Also I think her on this sentence could be changed to she.
Also, the way her and Robin interacted wasn't quite like brother and sister.
Try she and robin, interacted or
Also, the way the two interacted wasn't quite like brother and sister.
See the difference?
I hope this helps
Katness
Thank you! I will definitely fix this!