18+ Language

An end and a beginning; Chapter two (rewritten)

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Chapter Two

"I can move mountains, I can work a miracle, work a miracle..." A song broke the afternoon silence, startling Liana from a deep sleep. She fumbled for her phone, groaning as she turned the alarm off. Literally another day, another dollar. Rubbing her eyes and stumbling into the bathroom Liana opened a drawer and grabbed her toothbrush, staring into the mirror as wakefulness settled in. Feeling oddly aware of the feeling of the toothbrush scrubbing against her teeth, she kicked through the mess of clothes, file folders and books on her floor and picked a black, corseted skirt up.

"Coffee" was her only thought as she finished her teeth, threw on her clothes and ran a brush through her hair. In the kitchen she grabbed a blueberry bagel, sat down and put her shoes on. 

Today's gonna suck. Just like every other day. You know that.

The voice seemed to come from an odd, seemingly winged shadow on the wall, but echoed in her head. Liana reached out and pulled the curtains open. While she didn't really enjoy sunshine all that much anymore, her plants needed it. 

"Please, just let me go get some freaking coffee and quit trying to ruin this day before I'm even out the door. I know it's not going to be great. Fucking hell, maybe if you'd shut up more we wouldn't be so exhausted." Liana responded silently.

We're the same person, psycho.

The voice smirked but went silent and left. 

“Alright Storm, be good. Protect the house." She said to the tortoiseshell calico laying on the couch. Storm sleepily blinked her blue eyes and rolled over.

“Ferocious” Liana muttered as she closed the door.

As soon as she got in the car, the shadow spoke up again.

You don’t get it. How?

“What am I supposed to be getting? I have no idea what you’re doing or even talking about. That’s the problem. There is nothing to get. There’s just...nothing. I don’t understand, I don’t know why and I am so confused. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I am now. You know this, you’re the one who screwed it all up.”

No, not really. I’ve always been around, you just did your best to ignore me. That’s not an option anymore. You died that night. You just didn’t stay dead, you chose to go back. The consequence, or punishment as you see it, is me. That was the deal. You were allowed to go back, but you had to let me out of my cage.

“Don’t sulk at me. I’m not scared of you anymore, I just don’t trust you."

Why do you keep acting like I am a completely separate entity from you? I’m not. I am you.

“It’s the only way I can deal right now. You’ll get to come out tonight. Please just let me get through today. Please.” 

The odd little shadow voice subsided once again and Liana's thoughts kept drifting.

A thunderstorm had started gathering as Liana pulled into the parking lot of a really nice, fancy bar. The windows reflected the light of the crystal chandeliers, contrasting beautifully against the smooth black brick of the building. There was a blue covered overhang with flowers hanging from it and lit candles sat on the tables. Bright red letters blazed from the top of the building;

Diamonds and Demons Club

This is where Liana made her living. Bar tending at the finest, richest, classiest bar in the city. She slung her bag over her shoulder and entered through the little ally door for employees.

The employees lounge was buzzing with conversation as everyone grabbed their final cup of coffee, planned for unruly customers, shot one more quick glance at the seating charts and made final touches to their makeup.

“Daaamn Liana, loving the outfit! That’ll land you some extra tips” a black haired woman called out as Liana brushed past her to stuff her bag into her locker. A small laugh sounded and Liana immediately started to feel better. She was wearing silver dress sandals, a black corseted skirt, a red, long, bell sleeved shirt with lace running along the bottom and a silver, diamond flowered necklace.

“You know it’s my skill that gets me tips, not the clothes” She responded and joined her coworker for the final cup of coffee before the Friday night frenzy began. Carla was one of the few people Liana thought of as a friend and was extremely fond of the 4'5" blond spitfire. She cracked her knuckles and shivered with a little excitement. Even though Liana struggled with a lot of life and herself, she really did like her job.

“Ready Carla?” She asked, glancing at the clock as it hit 4:00.

10:00 pm struck as Liana put a tray of cups in the dishwasher and stretched her arms out, rolling her shoulders. The rush was over, the entire place was full and she finally had a quick moment to breathe.

“How’re you doing Carla?” She asked as the other girl handed her a drink order.

“Tired, dying for a cigarette and a stretch, the tips have been good though” Carla said and shot a grin in her direction.

“Another black skull drink? That’s been popular tonight” Liana’s eyes rolled slightly as she mixed the order and poured it into a black crystal tumbler.

“Thanks girl. Smoke break in five?”

“I’ll meet you out back.” Carla scooped up the tray and headed off, heels clicking lightly on the marble floor. Liana stretched out her arms again. Her shoulders ached, she really needed to stretch.

“Excuse me miss?”

Liana turned to face the beckoning voice. A young woman stood on the bar, a sequined silver dress clung to her form, leaving little to the imagination. Her hands tapped nervously on the granite counter top. Something was wrong, she was tense and scared. There was red marks on her arm. Someone had grabbed her. Hard. Great.

“How can I help you?” Liana asked, leaning forward slightly to better see behind the woman.

“I need help please” the woman responded in a slightly shaky voice. Liana sighed inwardly. Go figure.

“Who? Which table?” She asked, keeping her irritation hidden.

“Slicked back hair, blue tuxedo next to the french windows”

“Alright. Go over to that bussing station and talk to Carla. Blond hair in the braided crown. She’ll help as well.” Liana said with a flick in Carla’s direction. After making sure the woman made it over to Carla, she stepped out from behind the bar and headed towards the table.

Comments & reviews · 2
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Hello FireSpyGirl,

The title is instantly riveting. I opened it and was caught by the voice of the work. It is dark and filled with a sense of emptiness, of pointlessness. Brilliantly done.

The previous review covered most of the issues as far as grammar and punctuation. I encourage you to follow their advice, it looks to be excellent.

I have a critique to make in the way of style and voice. When the second personality begins to speak, I suggest you use italics instead of bold. Remove the quotation marks completely and put them in their own paragraph. The italics will give it its own voice and help to draw it out of the story.

Song titles are similar. Remove the quotations and just put them in italics, it is less jarring and won't draw the reader out of the story.

Beginning a chapter or a story by waking up can be a clique. If this is the actual beginning, I recommend changing it. If it is the start of a chapter, it can be fine, assuming it doesn't start this way often.

Numbers should be spelled out. Instead of 20, write twenty. Instead of 15, fifteen, and so on.

All and all, this was a highly enjoyable work of art. Well done! I hope to see more of your work in the future.


Christus Rex Est,

Pickled Chrissy

Title: An end and a beginning
I like the simple yet interesting title since it piqued my curiosity because it sounds transparent enough but then again not everything is what it seems.

Commentaries/Interpretations:
"I can move mountains, I can work a miracle, work a miracle..." - These lyrics remind me of Waiting on a Miracle from Encanto despite the lyrics being the opposite of the actual lyrics in Encanto. But I'm assuming these lyrics are from Uma Thurman by Fall Out Boy. If this is the song, then you have excellent taste in music. If it is not, please tell me the song that you're referring to because music is life and I'm down to listen to any new music.
"Literally another day, another dollar." - I've never heard/seen this saying before. This is such as stretch, but it reminds me of the saying 'another day, another slay.' The 'literally' addition sounds as if she's so fed up and over living life. That is such a relatable feeling. This phrase made me go 'hmph?' especially the 'another dollar' since it could connect to a few things like actual money someone is wasting. What did you mean by this phrase?

Grammar/Punctuation:
"In the kitchen she grabbed a blueberry bagel, sat down and put her shoes on."
Revision - In the kitchen, she grabbed a blueberry bagel, sat down, and put her shoes on.
Specifically the comma after the phrase 'in the kitchen' but it could go either way for the comma between the 'sat down' and 'and put her shoes on'.
""Please, just let me go get some freaking coffee and quit trying to ruin this day before I'm even out the door. I know it's not going to be great. Fucking hell, maybe if you'd shut up more we wouldn't be so exhausted." Liana [responded silently] on her way out the door."
Revision - Did she say this out loud? Did she say this in her head to the voices in her brain? 'Responded silently' feels a bit misleading and the wording is a little bit trippy and confusing. Is this on purpose? If not, maybe consider rephrasing/rewording this.
""You know this isn't hell. You truly know that know." The voice echoed in her head as she entered work and the group of people standing at the time clock."
Revision - "You know this isn't Hell. You truly know that now." The voice echoed in her head as she entered work and [the group of people standing at the time clock]."
Specifically the sentence of 'you know that' and the wording for the phrase in the brackets was sort of trippy and didn't make sense (at least to me).

Overall:
Fabulous job on briefly illustrating what masking is and how deterioration of ones mental health looks like or lack of motivation. Keep writing.

Thank you for the review, I'll go through and fix the grammar and punctuation. It was midnight when I wrote this Lol.
Yes, the song is Uma Thurman by Fallout boy.



Poetry is a phantom script telling how rainbows are made and why they go away.
— Carl Sandburg