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An Undying Dance

by FatCowsSis


As the song begins, the children glow,
Alight with smiles, soft as snow.
A twinkling eye, a happy smile,
These children long to dance awhile.

The music glistens across the room,
Young mothers and wives together bloom,
While genuine joy and love embrace,
These women have lightness upon their face.

The men in the room are not dismayed,
Though the prospect of love has them afraid.
The peaceful tune flows through the air,
A contended reminder of fulfilled prayer.

In the dying of the dance the old ones sing,
Their fragile voices through the air do ring.
A lasting impression, as though they die,
The memories made, forever nigh.


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11 Reviews


Points: 592
Reviews: 11

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Thu Oct 05, 2017 5:26 am
Unidentified wrote a review...



Hey, FatCowsSis!
Just wanted to drop in and give ya a review to help you out and whatnot. Well, actually, I may not even have to because you did a killer job with this poem. I like the way you described everything. This is a cool piece.
Your grammar and punctuation looks on top, so I don't have to go over that with you or anything. The set up for the stanzas is also good because they make everything flow together smoothly. Anyway, nice skills.

-Unidentified




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20 Reviews


Points: 1583
Reviews: 20

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Wed Oct 04, 2017 12:24 pm
Rodger wrote a review...



Hi FatCowsSis! Rodger here for review.
Fast and foremost l would like to say well done on the name. I always say that its a good name that grapes the attention of the readers and not necessarily the work.

OK lets get into the piece itself.
I like the way the opening stanza was structured, it kind of site the mood or expectation for the rest of the story. I enjoyed the third stanza where you say.
" The men in the room are not dismayayed
Though the prospect of love has them afraid" It gets you imagining deeply for those of as how like to bring works to realty or to imagine how they would have played out. Good job on the use of Similes many people tend to over use them.

Besides that l thing you should have expanded it a bit.




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364 Reviews


Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

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Mon Oct 02, 2017 12:09 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello FatCowsSis! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = random Kara comments.

Spoiler! :
As the song begins, the children glow,
Alight with smiles, {as} soft as snow.
A twinkling eye, a happy smile, {But aren't there several children?}
These children long to dance awhile.

The music glistens across the room,
Young mothers and wives together bloom, {This line doesn't make sense}
While genuine joy and love embrace,
These women have lightness upon their face. {What}

The men in the room are not dismayed, {This also doesn't make sense}
Though the prospect of love has them afraid.
The peaceful tune flows through the air,
A contended reminder of fulfilled prayer.

In the dying of the dance {do}the old ones sing,
Their fragile voices through the air {they} ring.
A lasting impression, as though they die,
The memories made, forever nigh.


Overall, a fairly confusing poem. You should get your message across better... I had no idea what was going on. However, this DOES rhyme very well and your grammar is pretty good, so fairly good job.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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