A Fruitless Battle

Sometimes it's just

A trickle of red.

But it can also be floods,

Of crimson instead.

-

Sliding down my face,

Leaving scarlet streaks.

The print of cerise,

Left on my cheeks.

-

Its work has begun,

No stopping the pest.

It will finish the job,

Despite my protest.

-

And once the flow,

Of sanguine has ceased.

We can now have the chance,

To conquer this beast.

-

The battle is hard,

As we try to succeed.

But a fruitless fight,

To vanquish the nosebleed.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Jared
Review
Jared wrote a review · Sun May 25, 2014 1:31 pm

Hello there, this is Jared with a review.

First, some nitpicking.

A trickle of red.

But it can also be floods,

Of crimson instead.

Crimson and red are two different conflicting colors. In that part, you are first referring to a trickle of blood, then a flood. You shouldn't paint a conflicting picture of the incident.

But it can also be floods,

Of crimson instead.

I wouldn't say that comma is necessary. It disrupts the flow. (There's other instances too.)

Praise and greater analysis
So, now for some praise. You did several things very well. One, you kept a good flow throughout the poem that was easy to follow. Two, you delivered the poem in a sophisticated way that didn't detract from the humor. Three, you managed to keep the reader guessing as to what you were talking about until the end. Four, your title is vague enough where it doesn't give away what the poem is about, but it also is an appropriate title on the other hand, as you are truly fighting a fruitless battle.

My only true problem is your rhyme scheme, which is confusing. You start rhyming randomly, and it obstructs the flow of the poem.

The rhyme is ABCB/DEFE/GHIH/JKLK/MNON

User avatar
retrodisco666
Review

Hey, Retro here for a review :)

First off i'll do some nitpicks, then talk about what I liked, okay? :)

' But it can also be floods,

Of crimson instead. '

I'm pretty sure you don't need the comma there. It just disjoints the flow a tad :)


' Its work has begun,

No stopping the pest.

It will finish the job,

Despite my protest. '


it almost feels as though there are two different themes and ideas working in this stanza. The fight and the flood. So i'd potentially split it and add another stanza so you themes are concise :)

That is it for nitpicks, onto what I liked. I think you've got an interesting idea, and an interesting take on humour. You have maintained a decent metre and rhythm and your rhyme is pretty good as well :) You've got a good poem here, but with a tad of work it could be great! Maybe try and make it slightly more obviously funny, because I thought it was a serious one about a fight at the minute, and I think it would sit in that catergory well! :D

Overall not a bad attempt at all!

Keep it up!
~Retro

Thanks! It was my first attempt at humor. If you look at my other poems they are usually dark and depressing.....

User avatar
Monsters
Review

I think a little more conciseness and better diction can make this poem sparkle a bit. You got a good starting point but you have to leave the countless times you refer to the bloody nose in slightly different colors. For one, crimson and red are as different as a slightly dark dark night and a pitch black night and scarlet is as different to crimson as it is to red. This is ambiguous to your readers- you can't expect anyone to picture something when you tell them conflicting images. For two, it is unneeded and thus it will water down impact. That is pretty much the definition of wordiness. And for three, it is not bringing a better image it just alters it, changing it from one color to the next but the poem doesn't explain anything vivid about a running nose or the feeling of it. --so basically I feel like this poem has potential to it but it is not bad or horrible or worse then average--

Secondly you started to rhyme half way through and it seemed to make you just ramble on some more. Not only this it obstructed your rhythm and flow which overall made it a bit awkward to read.

I liked the way it built up suspense, I found it to be unique.


Anyways keep writing my friend,
Monsters

...it rhymed throughout the whole thing...

behind, fiend
succeeded, nosebleed

Succeed not succeeded

My bad, anyways the way fiend is pronounced makes it not rhyme.

Crap. Sorry forgot about that..

User avatar
Astronaut
Comment

This was funny, but maybe you shouldn't make the title nosebleed. It kind of spoils it...



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