Coloring the ground,
With crimson stain.
Where once a girl
Had finally lain.
A pool of tears,
Around her feet.
Mixing with blood,
The two of them meet.
The agony and pain,
Shown in her eyes.
Will not retreat,
Until she dies.
Death that day,
Drew closer near.
Until she drowned,
In a pool of tears.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
Hello, Hello. Eternity here to review this lovely work.
Editing Zone
Wow--nice start. I love the dark effect to this poem.
Your imagery is great and I think overall you did just fine. I don't entirely see room for improvement here.
Probably my favorite part here. I do really like this.
Overall, well done. I really like this imagery and description here. Great job and keep writing
Eternity out~
Thank you so much!
Emerald here for an- *Sniff* review...
First of all... Let me say...
This story is really dark and creepy!
I like story's like this except some give me nightmares D:
"With crimson stain."
I liked how instead of saying tears you called them Crimson stains, LOVE IT!
"In a pool of tears."
I like poems that say the title at the end only once!
Thanks for writing this awesome (Mostly creepy but awesome!) story! *Thumbs up*
That's amazingly wrong and disturbing. I love it! The only thing I could possibly nitpick about is int he first paragraph, where there's an extra comma on the first line. It kind of throws off the movement for a minute. All the rest is perfect! I literally can't think of any other ways to make it better. So creepy and wrong! LOVE THIS. : D
You're awesome!
~Curiosity(killed the)Cat
Thanks! Which line was it so I can fix it?
Oh%u2026 (*awkwardly checks poem*) line 3. : P
Glad I could help!
Thanks!
Like that?
Perfection! : )
First off, great poem.
Emotion is the key to writing true poetry. I felt the pain and sorrow as I read your work and was able to follow your flow with ease. Each line fell perfectly in sync with your rhythmic pattern.
However, I feel that the first line of the third stanza as a little..."off"...if you catch my drift.
How about changing it to read something like:
"The agony and pain,"?
Again, great poem. I enjoyed it.
Thanks! Yeah, I considered doing that and since you mentioned it..I'll change it
Hey there!
I just woke up, and I have to go, so this might be a bit short.
Overall, very nice poem! It captured the sorrow of when someone dies
I especially like the lines:
"Until she drowned,
In a pool of tears"
They were very powerful
My only one suggestion is to change the last line of the second stanza, as it didn't fit the rhythmic pattern, and because the rest of it flowed so well, I actually stumbled upon reading it.
Maybe something like:
"A pool of tears,
Around her feet.
Mixing with blood,
The two of them meet. "
Once again, great poem, and keep writing!
~Hadj
Thanks Hadj! Yeah, I like that better