Language Violence

The Bard's Ballad Part 6

I had awoken at night to a scream, such a shrill would have awoken every cursed wingless of the Underworld. Another thing with the Draconic religion, Draconics who have sinned are sent to the Underworld, stripped of their wings. It is very brutal, according to Ye'Dunn, the Draconic Hero of the Mountains.

The tale goes as follows: Ye'dunn was betrayed by the horrid dragon of grief into sinning. The Horrid Dragon, Gatyf, then killed him, sending him to the Underworld. After getting his wings stripped, using his will, he regrew them and flew back up to the surface and fought Gatyf. He slew him after a year of fighting, giving the Draconic the power of Ye'dunn's Will after losing his arm.

Enough about my religion, I follow the scream down the hall where a light-skinned woman was being attacked by an imp. The devilish creature was red with horns the size of a small boomerang and a skull face. 

"GET THIS MONSTER AWAY FROM ME-HEE-HEE!" she squealed. I played 'The Bolero of Will' and pulled out my rapier. The Imp notices me and lunges toward me. With a well-timed dodge roll, I was able to evade the attack and stab the Imp in the back. The creature bellows and becomes enraged. The Imp's aura blasted me back.

Ruut yawns as he comes around the corner, "Hey, bud, why didn't you tell me you were having a... ok, not a party." Ruut was unarmed, but luckily for him, I had a knife on me he could use. "Catch!" I yelled. Ruut grabs a dagger and throws it at the Imp's skull. It was a direct hit!

"Now's your chance! Stab it in the head!" Ruut says! I take my rapier and jump over the squealing imp, I raise the sword over my head, and stab the imp's open skull. The lady goes haywire as blood spurts everywhere. My rapier turning into a tint of red. "Holy hell, bud," Ruut says. "Great, now I have to change clothes."

Now that I had time to think clearly, what was an imp doing here? Imps can only be summoned by a necromancer, which was outlawed in this region. Something is wrong here. We're getting into something much deeper than it seems...

                                      ...

Morning came, and it was still raining! We walked down to the dock market to see Hera. Apparently, Ruut arranged a meeting with Hera before entering the inn. We saw Hera, staring at the horizon. I had to tell her about my vision. "Hera!" I say. She looks at me and smiles, "Come over here!"

We walked to her, and I started, "Hera, I had another vision. The rumors are true! There really-" Hera shushed me and said, "I know, umm..." She must not know my name, guess it's my fault for not introducing myself. "Balasar," I said. "Ok, Balasar, I know the vision was true, we have such great will, we can see the past or the future, even read minds. We both had your last vision."

I have some kind of foresight, huh? Wait, let me try something... I, Ruut, will slay the beast single-handedly! Cling-clang, boom, pow! "Ha! You think you can kill the sea monster by yourself, Ruut?" I laugh. Ruut perks up, surprised, "Eh...uh...but... what the hell.."

Well, I'd be damned! Who's laughing now, Ruut? Who's laughing? Hera continues, "Have you seen anything... unusual?" Ruut chimes in, "Yeah! We saw an imp!" Hera smirks. She must know something. "I knew it, I have a plan. It involves Ruut, you, me, some guard, and a bunch of stolen goods."

This won't go well...

To be continued...

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
elysian
Review
elysian wrote a review · Sun Apr 29, 2018 7:51 pm

Hello, back for the next chapter!

**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**

Just to Review:
(things I mentioned to work on in the last review)

Spoiler
choppy sentences - make it flow better
show more instead of telling
plot moving too fast
characterization
grammar and spelling checks
dialogue formatting
what's your audience?


grammar first, like always.

I had awoken at night to a scream, such a shrill would have awoken every cursed wingless of the Underworld.


*with

that's it!

Now, the story.

I had awoken at night to a scream, such a shrill would have awoken every cursed wingless of the Underworld.


who screamed? unclear.

Enough about my religion, I follow the scream down the hall where a light-skinned woman was being attacked by an imp. The devilish creature was red with horns the size of a small boomerang and a skull face.


oooohhhhh, ignore everything I've said about that sentence lol.

The creature bellows and becomes enraged. The Imp's aura blasted me back.


show, don't tell. And what is an Imp? What does his aura have to do with anything? How does the main characters see it? What does it look like?

The lady goes haywire as blood spurts everywhere. My rapier turning into a tint of red.


take the period out and put a comma in.

Okay, just finished. I'm really sorry if what I'm about to say is offensive in some way, but I just keep getting disappointed when I finish reading. I want so much more from this, and you have plenty of opportunities, but continue to avoid using them! I think the biggest complaint I have is that you don't take the time to explain things in detail. Novels are supposed to be long. That's why it's called a novel, and authors do this by adding detail so the reader can really connect with the characters and the story. With this story, it feels as if I'm being rushed the whole time and that life is moving at 150 miles per hour. All I want to do is to sit back and really understand what's going on, but before I have time to, something else is happening. It's almost frustrating. I can't fully understand everything happening because there was no background information given, and when things were happening it wasn't detailed enough for me to grasp. Please, in past and future chapters, extend the length and slow down. Really take the time to help your readers understand what is happening inside your head, and your character's heads. It will really help this story to take off!

I love the idea, and I think it could be very interesting. Just take the things I said into consideration when moving forward.

Please let me know when you post more!

- Delonie

Hi, Prachi here. So let's get started with this review.

Tense
You have changed from past to present and present to past throughout the story. This usually causes the story to lose flow. Try avoiding this and write the whole novel in the same tense.

Repetition of words
You have used the word rain again and again (this part and previous part). Avoid usage of the same word in your story. Here are some synonyms- drizzle, shower, pouring. Try checking the internet for more synonyms.

Characters
As I said earlier, your characters are interesting and their names are unique. Try adding more to their characters, like hobbies or talents. I don't mean mention them while introducing them, I think you should add it in parts throughout the novel.

Description
Try adding more description to certain parts.
Like, We saw Hera, staring at the horizon. Describe the horizon or the surroundings (smell, sight, sound and feel).
Try writing it like this- As we walked through the cold morning air, we saw Hera staring at the beautiful, blue horizon.
Adding adjectives gives the readers a better picture as to what the writer imagines.

Spacing
Start a new paragraph after every character has spoken. This helps the readers follow the conversation.

Overall
Outstanding work. Looking forward to the next chapter. Good luck.

User avatar
FantasyWriter76
Comment

Now introducing: IMP-BE-GONE! THE GREAT NEW PRODUCT THAT KEEPS YOUR HOME CLEAN OF EVIL IMPS! Product manufactured by Deathbane Goods Inc., any negative experience including limbs falling off, skin rotting and wallpaper peeling is definitely not our fault... stay tuned for more TBB!

As the author, I feel this chapter may have lacked in quality, but I promised TBB 7 and TBB: Tale of Ye'Dunn will bring back the quality the previous chapters had.
-FantasyWriter76

Wow, looking back on this, I was hard on myself, heh!



Pay it forward for the next writer in this society. It’s what keeps the society, a society.
— soundofmind