Rain. Rain is a funny thing. Sometimes it makes you sad, sometimes in certain circumstances, it can make you happy. I personally love the rain. The Draconic culture has a strange religion, where the Great Dragon formed the sky. And when it rains they say the Great Dragon grieves the death of one of their offspring, which means that a dragon died and it's power is given to the Draconic.
The rain in Port Deathbane was not natural, and I didn't like it either. Something was wrong here. The Port consisted of one huge, tower-like castle and the village which was made with a dark-stone called Duun'strafe in Draconic. The roofs were purple tile and the streets were dark and uninviting.
King Roland III said that the person receiving the message would be wearing a very specific scarf, that had the Rolandstan emblem, a shield with a crown and ivory. We entered the crowd of people down at the dock. The Deathbanians, which was legitimately their race name, were very dark-skinned like the town. But one person stood out...
"Hey, buddy, isn't that Hera? And is that the Rolandstan scarf?" Ruut said. "I-I-I...ummm..." Ruut starts laughing. Hera sees us and says, "I see you've arrived! Hey, goblin, does your friend have a skin problem or something? He's always red." Ruut starts laughing so much he must have busted a gut... no really. Good thing for those extra organs goblins have.
"We should go somewhere private," Hera said. We move to a dark alley, and I let Ruut do the talking. Breathe Balasar, breathe. I've never had a genuine conversation with a lady I liked. Good thing this isn't in italics, or Ruut could read it. "Alright, here's the message, between us, though, what does it say?" Ruut asked.
Hera unrolls the message, "It says that I must investigate the unusual rainfall in Deathbane and that I should pay attention to the sea." Ruut asks Hera, "Why focus on the sea?"
"Because according to rumors, a sea monster from ancient times was resurrected and is causing the rain using magic." Hera states.
"A sea monster?" I say. "Strange that wasn't in the vision... maybe it's unrelated. But we have to go, right Ruut?" Ruut was hesitant, "I don't want to leave yet, this place is too perfect to rob people!"
I might as well get a room in the inn. "I'll get a room..." I sigh. As long as I lay lo... aww, who am I kidding? I should expect more guards in the morning.
I was thinking of the vision while I was sleeping. Just at that moment, suddenly, another vision! It started somewhere at the Deathbane dock...
It was a dark night, the villagers were asleep, but the man from the other vision was doing something to the sea. He rose his hands with crushed bone dust in his hands. His hands lit up, then a huge creature, like a huge squid, appeared from the sea! It was the creature Hera talked about! Suddenly, rain. The unnatural rain I was uncomfortable with.
Rain. Rain is a funny thing.
To be continued...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello, back for the next chapter!
choppy sentences - make it flow better
**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**
Just to Review:
(things I mentioned to work on in the last review)
Spoiler
show more instead of telling
plot moving too fast
characterization
grammar and spelling checks
dialogue formatting
what's your audience?
first, grammar mistakes.
*Its
that seems to be it, let's get into the story!
I really like this beginning. It helps the reader understand something about the main character and the world around him
I think it should be, "As long as I lay low-oh, who am I kidding? I should expect more guards in the morning."
The whole interaction between Hera, Balasar, and Ruut is confusing. If this was such a top-secret mission, why would Hera, who is obviously higher level than the two main characters, just tell them what's going on? Doesn't seem very realistic.
this is an awkward introduction. Try rewording it to be more show rather than tell.
give me more detail! You have such a good opportunity here, please use it!
I like this chapter a lot, I just wish you would've done more with it. More detail! more background.
Onto the next chapter.
- Delonie
Hello FantasyWriter76! Happy Review Day!
Quick disclaimer: I haven't read any of the previous parts. I apologise if this interferes with any of my feedback!
well with a name like that, I would imagine not.
Okay but on a more serious now, 'either' isn't necessary to this sentence, since there is nothing else being referred to (does that make sense?).
'Very' is what is know as a filler word. I'm not sure how much you know about filler words, but they aren't necessary, and often take away from a sentence (because they are so overused in English). Very and really are the first two that come to mind, and I see there's at least one other occasion you use 'very'. I usually would limit this to dialogue or a character's thoughts, but I wouldn't put in into the rest of your prose. (I hear most editors are pretty critical about this, but I don't have experience in that area!)
Every time a different character speaks, it should be separated onto a new line. This way, it causes less confusion as to who is speaking
Also, you switch between past tense and present tense throughout this piece (which I take special note of because I am supremely guilty of this), which is something you'll want to watch out for! Stick to one tense, which ever is most comfortable for you or feels best for the story. If you decide you don't like it later on, there's always another draft
Either I missed something in one of the previous parts, or we have some fourth wall breaking going on here o:
-The other thing I noticed (because it's another thing I'm guilty of!) is your overuse of ellipses.
you've officially sold me on Ruut's character and I am partial to him now.
-I like your circular ending! I love stories that sort of come full circle like that (even if it is only one part of the whole novel).
-If I would suggest something that needs work, it'd be your descriptions. I really like the "the streets were dark and uninviting" line, but there besides that and the proceeding sentence, you don't describe much of the setting at all. You don't need huge chunks of descriptions, but setting up your surroundings gives the reader a chance to paint a picture of the setting and your characters, rather then just sort of imagining blobs as they read. As a reader, I personally like to be able to have enough description to envision a scene in my mind. You have several things to consider in descriptions/settings. One is the general layout. Are there buildings? What colours? What models? What's the weather like? Are there people around? What are they like?
Then there's also things like mood. What is your character feeling? What are they picking up from their surroundings (this could be empathetic, such as picking up on other people's emotions, or it could be scenery related, for example a character loves the ocean, or the forest).
Just some things to consider
I hope this review was helpful to you and your work! If you have any questions, please feel free to ask! Keep up the good work
I hope you have a wonderful day!
Rain. Rain is a funny thing... stay tuned for more TBB (The Bard's Ballad)!