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The Tale of Ye'Dunn: A TBB Tale

by FantasyWriter76


              Sometimes, I, Balasar, get bored, so I tell the tales of my people's religion. So today, I present you The Tale of Ye'Dunn! Please sit back, relax, and listen as I read my favorite chapter of the Draconic Siliis, or collection of religious Draconic tales, Ye'Dunn's Will & The Dragon of Grief.

               It was the morning, Ye'Dunn had just awoken. It was another day of working the anvil. Ye'Dunn's village had moved to atop the great mountain, Guutaeunnis in the north of the realm of Ral'spire. Today was the day that the Warriors invaded a Gartuan village. 

               Break from the story! I feel you as readers from an alternate realm do not know what a 'Gartuan' is. Ruut, here, wants to explain. I would have easily explained it but Ruut insisted.

               Hey, alternate-realmers! Ruut here. You see, a Gartuan is a huge, troll-sized humanoid. They may be tall and strong, but the problem is that they are slow. Using Thundercallers, Dragonborns can charge up and become super fast and charged. This obviously makes the Dragonborns overpowered rivals to them, peace!

               Ye'Dunn would have to work overtime to be able to make enough weapons for them all. He walked to his blacksmith workshop, in between Guutaeunnis' two tips. There, the power of lightning was harnessed to forge great Thundercallers, weapons imbued with thunder.

               Balasar again, Guutaeunnis is Draconic for 'Thundercaller', which is where the weapons get their names.

                Ye'Dunn banged and banged on the anvil in his shop, the noise ringing between the two tips. Across the vast space between Ral'spire and Ascendance, the realm of the Greater Beings, a Great Dragon named Gatyf, who was irked by the ringing of the anvil.

               "Will someone stop this redundant ringing?" Gatyf said growling. "If no one will fix it, I will!" Gatyf was the Great Dragon of Grief, who was disliked by all his siblings. Even the Great Dragon himself could not stand him. They sent him to a realm between the worlds, tricking him by telling him to find a nonexistent gem.

                Trapped, with no way to go back to Ascendance, he waits for the time he can grow strong enough to return and become the new Great Dragon.

                Gatyf dived down to Ral'Spire to find the source of the ringing and found Guutaeunnis emitting the sound. Gatyf saw Ye'Dunn banging on his anvil, and decided that he would trick him and kill him to get rid of him.

                As Ye'Dunn forged the Thundercallers, something knocked on the door to his home. Ye'Dunn went and opened the door, only to find a basket filled with food. He looked around, "No one, eh?" He decided to take the basket inside and eat from inside it. After all, he was hungry from his hard work effort.

                All of a sudden, Gatyf burst open the top of the shop. "HOW DARE YOU EAT THE FOOD OF A GREAT DRAGON!" Gatyf bellowed. Ye'Dunn had realized he had sinned, for eating the food of a Great Dragon could lead to serious punishment by said dragon. Ye'Dunn said stammeringly, "I did not know it was yours..." Gatyf interrupted, "LIES! I PUNISH THEE TO DEATH!"

                With one great swing, Ye'Dunn was killed. His corpse and soul fell deep to the Underworld, where he would be cursed to become a cursed wingless. As the wings on his body were stripped of him, he screamed in pain, the feeling hurting more than the blow that killed him in the first place.

                Excruciating pain, and the guilt of failing his town because he couldn't make all the weapons. Ye'Dunn took this awful time to think of what to do. Ye'Dunn knew something was special about him, he knew he was like the three Draconic heroes of legend ever since the incident. The time he saved his people...

                Ye'Dunn was a young apprentice to a now dead Thundercallers forger, Baascu. Baascu was only supposed to teach Ye'Dunn how to make Thundercallers, but Baascu also taught Ye'Dunn to fight in secret. Suddenly, the Mountain Draconics were attacked by Dark Elves, the evil, and the most deceitful tribe in all of Ral'spire.

                 Ye'Dunn was told to stay back, but with a pair of Thundercaller axes in hand, he charged with multiple soldiers into the fray. He prayed to the Great Three Draconic heroes...

                 Aagsus, Hero of the Eternal Flames, Guardian of the Volcanos, and Servant to the Great Underworld Dragon...

                Paaneetus, Heroine of the Flowing Current, Controller of the Oceans, and Priestess of the Great Water Dragon...

                Havajuu, Heroine of the Four Winds, Queen of the Seasons, and Descendant of the Great Wind Dragon...

                Suddenly, Ye'Dunn could control thunder, and with it, he defeated the mass Elvish force. Since that day, he has technologically advanced his city with electricity and lightning.

                Ye'Dunn stopped. His wings had grown back and were keeping him from falling. The wings flew him back to life. Gatyf was in shock.

                "I KILLED YOU! HOW?" He yelled. Gatyf looked ready to attack Ye'Dunn.

                "I have the strongest will there is. I control thunder and lightning. You didn't think I'd die that easily did you?" Ye'Dunn replied strongly.

                Gatyf charged, saying nothing. Ye'Dunn countered him with lightning. Grabbing Thundercaller axes, the two fought ferociously. The Thundercallers charged with electric power. That battle lasted a whole year. It brought a year of thunderous weather and lightning storms.

                Gatyf was on his last string of life. Ye'Dunn jumped, and dug both axes into Gatyf, killing him. The Great Dragon mourned for him, even though he was horrible. But instead of raining Grief, it rained Ye'Dunn's Will and great joy...

                And that's the end of the Tale of Ye'Dunn! I hope you enjoyed the story as much as I do. Farewell, alternate-realmers! See you again.

                From FantasyWriter76, thanks for reading! The support for The Bard's Ballad is great! I hope your day is FANTASTICAL.

-FantasyWriter76/Fantasy76


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Tue Jun 26, 2018 2:38 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there FantasyWriter! I thought I'd drop by for a really quick review today.

I like the framing of this, because I think mythology of different worlds is really cool, and I enjoyed how the narrator spoke directly to the reader.

Something that confused me a bit was that it wasn't always clear who was speaking. I figured out that the words in italics were the readings from the Draconic Sillis, but I couldn't always tell whether Balasar or Ruut was speaking in the non-italics part.

Today was the day that the Warriors invaded a Gartuan village

Who are the Warriors, and what is a Gartuan village? It just wasn't clear to me if Ye'Dunn is making weapons because his people are going to go invade a village, or because his village is about to be invaded.

"Will someone stop this redundant ringing?" Gatyf said growling. "If no one will fix it, I will!" Gatyf was the Great Dragon of Grief, who was disliked by all his siblings. Even the Great Dragon himself could not stand him. They sent him to a realm between the worlds, tricking him by telling him to find a nonexistent gem.

Trapped, with no way to go back to Ascendance, he waits for the time he can grow strong enough to return and become the new Great Dragon.

A couple of things - "redundant" doesn't fit here, since the ringing of the hammer on the anvil is necessary for Ye'Dunn to make the Thundercallers. Try "incessant" or "infernal" to convey his irritation.

More importantly, Gatyf's backstory confused me because it wasn't clear that the world where Ye'Dunn was was the "realm between the worlds" that Gatyf was trapped in, and so I thought "but shouldn't he be somewhere else, not being bothered by Ye'Dunn?" (It also wasn't clear that Ye'Dunn is a normal mortal at the beginning of the story - I actually thought he was a lesser god, though I'm not sure why You also say that Gatyf is one of the Great Dragons, but not *the* Great Dragon, and I feel like it might be a good idea to have different names for the two positions (maybe the Greatest Dragon) because it was a little bit confusing.

Hey, alternate-realmers! Ruut here. You see, a Gartuan is a huge, troll-sized Hey, alternate-realmers! Ruut here. You see, a Gartuan is a huge, troll-sized

I was confused here because it seemed like the sentence just cut off in the middle without any ending or explanation why. If the speaker is cut off in the middle of his sentence, you should have a dash at the end to indicate that. But it also might just be a typo. :P

And I think that's all I've got for you! Aside from my small points of confusion, I quite liked this. I think you did a good job creating a traditional mythology story with a twist (dragons! I love dragons) and I really liked the ending especially, with how it rains great joy instead of sorrow. That part was done really well. :)

Good luck, and keep writing!






Oh jeez, yeah! I didn't notice that. Sorry! Check later and it'll be fixed!
-FW76



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Thu Jun 07, 2018 8:56 pm
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shaniac wrote a review...



Hello, shaniac here to review your piece!

I like to begin by saying that entire piece kind of reminds me of like a show or voice over of some show, where there is a story and someone is reading it as the show is playing out. With the beginning, it kind of shows this and further on, it ends with someone saying "this is the end! Turn in next time". I like it because it is something different because I haven't read something like this before. The only problem I want to have a bit of background on the narrators. Usually, if there is a narrator who is speaking to an audience, they kind of give a bit of background about themselves as they continue on. Also, if you were to include some background, your audience will be able to think of the narrators while they are reading this.

Ye'Dunn's village had moved to atop the great mountain, Guutaeunnis in the north of the realm of Ral'spire. Today was the day that the Warriors invaded a Gartuan village.


I want to focus on this bit right here. You start off with describing the town then cut to something completely different, and it feels a bit awkward with the transition. Basically, I think you could continue describing the surrounding area before getting into the main conflict of this short story. And even after this, the narrator is kind of contradicting himself by saying that he doesn't want to give a lengthy background to it, then when he passes it on to someone else, he takes it back.

Hey, alternate-realmers! Ruut here. You see, a Gartuan is a huge, troll-sized


Add more to this because you are starting off with a good beginning and description.

When Gatyf flies down and decides to kill Ye'Dunn, it feels sudden. Like, the only main motive that the dragon has is to shut him up. Personally, I think what the dragon should do is tell the guy to whack the anvil a bit quieter (if that is even possible). But, what I think you should do is build up to. Show how the dragon creeps into the shop and kills him. The same with Ye'Dunn's death. I think there should be more movement with how Ye'Dunn tries to get away from the dragon but fails nonetheless.

"I KILLED YOU! HOW?" He yelled.


When someone yells, I don't think you need to put what they yelled in all caps. Also, I think "bellowed" would be a better word because it gives a bit of personality to the dragon.

To cap, I think you have a decent idea if this were to continue. The few things you should keep in mind is that have some sort of pacing with your story. You don't want to jump around from place to place, but instead try to transition nicely. Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!






I see where you're coming from with this. You see, this is a spinoff of a series I have called The Bard's Ballad. I can't tell if you read it or not, but it chronicles the adventures of the two narrator characters. Also, all caps yelling is kinda unnecessary when I think about it ha!
Thanks for reviewing!



shaniac says...


Oh, that explains a lot! I can't wait to see what else you come up with later on. :)




He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.
— Friedrich Nietzsche