Hello, back for the next chapter!
**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**
Just to Review:
(things I mentioned to work on in the last review)
Spoiler! :
no grammar mistakes I can see in this one either, let's get into it!
I was anxious for what we were getting into. Once I had gotten on the horse, I felt as if I had a horrible vision.
it felt as if or he did?
It started in a dark throne room. All was quiet until suddenly bolts of lightning and the aura of a necromancer in front of me. A horrid pain hit my chest and I fell. Fire engulfed the room and the person bearing the aura zoomed off. That's where I had awakened from the vision.
Here is another place where you have an oppertunity to make a really interesting action scene by showing, but instead you just bluntly give a summary of what happened. Let me try rewriting it to show you what I mean.
--
replace: "It started in a dark throne room."
With:
I found myself in what seemed like a throne room, although it was almost too dark to really see anything, the light from the stained glace windows danced off the two golden chairs in the front of the space.
replace: "All was quiet until suddenly bolts of lightning and the aura of a necromancer in front of me."
With:
The silence in the room was suddenly interrupted by the splitting sound of lighting, and in a flash, the aura of a necromancer was in front of me.
replace: "A horrid pain hit my chest and I fell. Fire engulfed the room and the person bearing the aura zoomed off."
With:
Suddenly, my chest was on fire, and my vision was spotted as I fell to the cold ground. I clutched at my heart, feeling like someone was trying to claw their way from my bosom. Flames began to catch on things around me as the person bearing the aura left as quickly as he had come.
replace: "That's where I had awakened from the vision."
With:
In an instant, I awoke from my vision, my lungs struggling to catch up with my racing heart.
Make sense?
We decided to stop at a local tavern on the road. Since I was a bard, I had to perform. It was just instinct. Ruut, on the other hand, was trying to flirt with the bartender. After the performance, I wanted to talk to Ruut about my horrible vision. "Ruut, I don't think we should continue with this quest," I said.
This is kind of confusing. I don't really know much about this world so this makes no sense to me, and the little bit of explaining doesn't help much. Why did he have to perform? especially with the conquest they're on? And why didn't he say anything to Ruut right after his vision?
I sighed, "Well, if you say so." And here came that anxious feeling again.
Why would he give up so easily after a vision like that? he should try and tell Ruut about his vision to further convince him at least. Also, dialogue formatting is still wrong throughout these chapters, so as you post in future chapters, make sure you change that and fix chapters before that.
We exit to be greeted by some orcs, my least favorite people, trying to steal our steeds.
This sentence is a bit awkward. Try, "As we exited, we were greeted by some orcs, my least favorite people, trying to steel our steeds."
I really wish I had more information about their world. I don't really understand what happens with his instrument, it's really confusing because I've never seen a confirmation of what it does or how he got it.
We draconic have head-tails, they're kind of like a girl hair-tails, but they're more gender nonspecific.
this is a step in the right direction, but still confusing. Is it a ponytail or an actual tail? It's unclear.
This meant freedom, this meant traveling home, this meant looking cool and overemphasizing movements!
confusing??? I'm not sure why he thinks this meant all these things, what did fighting these guys do? I thought it was just so they wouldn't take their horses.
Okay so I really like your last action scene, I think it was the perfect amount of detail and action. It leaves me interested in this Hera person, and excited to read on. Good job!
with that being said, there is still many things to improve on.
See you next chapter!- Delonie
Points: 15319
Reviews: 275
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