Young Writers Society

Hello, back for the next chapter!

**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**

Just to Review:
(things I mentioned to work on in the last review)

I wake to the harsh light of day, I observe my surroundings.

"DaMmIIIIT!"

"What thing?" What was he going on about now? "Ya know, the thing where you look into space and think in italics?" Uhh... skip to next paragraph.

always eating, decked out with the Royal white and red

Hi, Prachi here. I saw your sixth chapter in the green room and I wanted to read the story from the start. Let's get into this review.

I really like your characters, especially the goblin. Your character names are unique (except Roland, of course) compared to other stories I have read. And your story is really creative. Nice cliffhanger.

I think you should add more description. In the starting, you described the inn room very well. However, you did not describe the place where Balasar and Ruut were talking to the king.
Some things are not explained properly. After getting stunned, they were going somewhere, but you did not mention how.
Another improvement needed is your paragraphs changing. Start a paragraph after every time a character speaks.
Also, you have changed from past to present and vice versa very often in the story. Try to avoid this.

Amazing story. I will read all your other chapters and review if I find tips to give which are not already covered. All the best for future work.

Woah! That’s an interesting twist at the end there. I thought they were going to have to escape. Anyways, let’s get right into it.

There were a few things that confused me. The first is how Balasar got shocked. I figured it out after a minute, but it's a little bit unclear. Also, I wasn't sure where they were at the beginning of part three. You said they were going somewhere, but you didn't say weather they were walking, riding in a cart or sailing in a boat.

A stylistic thing I noticed: Some of your sentences are a little repetitive. By that I mean, you use the same word twice in a sentence more times than necessary. It's usually fine with words such as "I" or "it," but not when it comes to verbs or nouns.

For example, at the end Balasar said, "When we deliver this message, I want one thing, I WANT ALL OF OUR CRIMINAL CHARGES ELIMINATED!"

Instead of repeating "want" twice, you could just say, "When we deliver this message, I WANT ALL OF OUR CRIMINAL CHARGES ELIMINATED."

You don't even need to say "I want one thing." It flows better without it. In fact, if you ever see unnecessary words, get rid of them. Pretend you have to pay a dollar for each one you write.

Now that the criticism's out of the way, something I found interesting: They seem to know they're in a story. I can't wait to see what you do with that. Also, I find Ruut and Balasars relationship funny. They're kinda like brothers. They fight sometimes, but you can see each would be willing sacrifice themselves for the other.

Good job with this, you've got me hooked.

joke review: Dear Fantasy writer 76 you are under arrest....for stealing my heart. you just had to make a well crafted story with amazing characters. Not to mention you've left a cliffhanger and now I'm hungry for more. do you want me to starve?! sincerely, Boluk The supreme and almighty lord of awesomeness and crafting terrible stories.

Real review: In my opinion you made part two just a tiny little bit two short for comfort. perhaps you should add two or three more paragraphs to make it seem longer this is a novel not a short story after all. Dammit was spelled a bit oddly (at least to me ) since instead of just putting it in all caps or even using exclamation marks you just capitalized certain parts but maybe that's just the hypocritical grammar Nazi inside me. continuing on down to part three we have more character building and you are able to show us the reader your sense of humor. "you also break the fourth wall quite a bit which I like. Your characters have a sense of depth. and you might need to add more world building. also you should probably explain why Ruut and Balasar know each other. Overall I rate this 2 and a half King Rolands out of five.

useless padding: in paragraph five line three you make a hint that Ruut is psychic but obviously Ruut is secretly the reincarnation of Boccob, the god of foresight and magic. this clearly means that Balasar is mocking a future god which shows his bravery. also you have a moment where you mock Ruut for his sense of fashion which I do not understand at all. How can you not be overjoyed by the awesomeness of Ruut the one true god?!and also Roland rules an area referred to as Rolandston this of course is an obvious nod to how the goddess Athena got her name to be in thee city of Athens. this of course means that king Roland the third is a god and Ruut knew that which is why Ruut did not respond to Roland's comment. so therefore both Roland and Ruut are gods confirmed! ....yeah.

The epic tale of Balasar and Ruut continues... criticism is very much welcome!