The Persistence of Memory (1/2)

Hey Evi!

I'm glad you chose this painting – I love Dali's work, and this is one of my favourites by him. I remember a few years ago when we had to make our own version of a famous painting at school, and I made mine of this one. It'll be interesting to see how the inspiration you got from this works in the story.

Lira's character seemed realistic. I preferred her lines in the beginning, though. With the first two of her lines I was thinking how good they sounded, I mean, they seemed very real. Nearer the end they lost their touch a bit, never mind how well written. This may have been affected by some confusion I had considering her motives and whatnot, as in the following:

Lira had sworn to herself, and to the child clinging to her hip, that she would never lose her independence. Relying on someone or something else to save you always ended in disappointment.

Isn't this exactly what she's doing, though? She's relying on the vague advertisement in the newspaper; how is that different from trusting a man, for example?

there was very little she wouldn’t sacrifice to make him better.

Including her dignity.

This is just difficultly phrased, I think – does it mean she's willing to sacrifice her dignity, or the exact opposite?


You also emphasize the fact that Lira's willing to do pretty much everything to save the boy's life. Still she refused to go to the hospital for help, because she was too proud. This seems very contradictory.

Dead weight, she thought numbly, not registering the implications.

This is a very nice insight.


The character of Sabine seems a little random. My drama teacher said that when writing a script for a play, the first thing you have to do is to come up with the main aim for every scene. Once you have that figured out, you can start writing it out. I believe this can be adapted to stories as well: not only every scene or chapter should have an aim, but also every character has to have a reason why they're in the story. For Sabine, the only purpose I detected was the dialogue with Lira in the beginning, and it just wasn't enough. Also, she disappears very vaguely. I think you should focus more on her.

I'll be interested to see how this continues. You have my attention, which is no wonder, since you are a good writer. Just pay more attention to the things pointed out.


Demeter
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