(Brace yourselves, people. This is the first time my writing has seen the light of day. Go nuts.)
EDIT: (Thank you everyone for your compliments and critiques!)
He was suffocating in lavender.
The scent was a key to opening a floodgate of memories. It was his worst nightmare relived, revived, and made a hundred times more painful. It was the aroma of guilt heavy on his tongue, pressing on his heart. It was her.
It had to go.
Alex Papoulis came into his dead sister’s room with six things—two laundry baskets, a sponge, a bucket of soapy water, Lysol, and a mission. He didn’t want to have to lie in bed every night, breathing in the memory. He didn’t want to be assaulted with depression every time he walked past her room and caught the scent. He wanted it gone, and he was going to have to do it himself.
That was the problem with death. It was so inconvenient. It could take away everything that you hold dear, everyone close to your heart, but still leave a mess behind for you to clean up. Death had a scent that was once faintly soothing turned into something repugnant. Death had Alex ransacking his sister’s closet and hamper, stuffing every article of clothing she owned into a laundry basket, and spraying the empty space with Lysol, just for good measure. Death had Alex on his hands and knees, scrubbing away at her floorboards with safe citrus-scented soap in attempt to lift some of the reminder off the floor. And Death had him frozen at the window, looking at a mid-day sky that was the color of false happiness.
“Could it at least be a gloomy afternoon?” he muttered under his breath as he attacked her bedspread, tossing it into the basket. “Of course not. It has to be a beautiful day, with stupid chirping birds and laughing children.” He scowled at the injustice of it all. The world outside should fit his mood. Instead, it kept on going after the accident as if nothing had happened.
But Alex knew better. Everything had happened.
He made quick work of it all, going around the room in stations and shoving every inch of lavender out of the way. Each sock tossed into the basket was a second of her life spent crushed in the driver's seat, each swipe of the sponge one of her final breaths. How many minutes until that last scream died out? Five? Ten? Had it been instant? He would never know.
When he was done, he opened the window to let the last remnants of her escape into the sky.
He smiled grimly and, lugging the laundry baskets, disappeared out of the room smelling like lavender and Lysol.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hello Evi,
I think this is a great story. I like it but I think you could add more about the pain that Alex is suffering. other than that I think it is very well written and descriptive. I want more.
Thanks,
Luna
Hi Evi,
I absolutly love your story. It had an intresting hook. I couldn't stop reading it. The title was what really got me. Write more, i want to hear more about Alex and his sister. I think that you should have put more about what Alex looked like, and what the room looked like. It could use more detail. Other than that it is a great story. Keep up the good work!
Hi i'm izzy and I will be reviewing your work today.
Firstly I would just like to say I believe you are a very talented writer, especially for your age. Secondly I would like to add that this is probably my favorite piece on this site, so well done.
Great. As people have put before, completely draws you in and now I can't look away.
I think you could have phrased this differently, It doesn't flow as the rest of the text. Takeaway the first a or the second and make floodgate plural. I just sounds too literal.
Good sentence structure, makes me want to read on.
.
Okay, there's a lot of information to take in. We find out his name, and the fact he has a dead sister. When you go to list what he brings it distracts the reader from the main focus, the fact he has a dead sister. Also I have no idea what Lysol is, maybe do something more widely none like bleach. And that last bit "a mission" please pleas please take it out!!! It spoils the previous text, everything is deep and emotional then you add in a cliche line that is totally out of character.
This is good, I really get a picture of him moving from each place in her room, moving to the window.
Nice speech but a little to formal, even though he would be grieving he may not use as much description and elect language as you have written. Secondly you repeat the sentence structure from the second paragraph, with "It was her". I don't know if this was deliberate or not.
Nice ending, good writing and description. Other than the problems above I would say a fantastic and moving piece.
PM me if you have any other questions
Evi!
- you have talent.
Your title reeled me in, because I am currently working on a story about Angels. I read the first sentence and was immediatly hooked. As I was reading, I could feel Alex's desperate desire to rid of anything that reminded him of his sister. My grandma's garage used to smell like damp wood dipped in humitity, and after she died, I could never stand to smell that scent again.
For a twelve year old - excuse me, you're thirteen now, aren't you?
Write on, and PM me if there's more!
- Fragile
I loved it!
I loved how there where tiny snippits of her death. You can just imagine it but not quite.
Amazing discripstion that dragged you in and left you wanting more!
This is the first thing ove read on here and im very impressed if they are all up to this standard!
haha!
Megan
Evi,
This was an amazing piece of writing... no joke! You used a perfect combination of the senses and Alex's emotions to really put the conflict out there- that he wants to forget that his sister's death was 'his fault'. It would be awesome if you could continue this, because this was a really, really great start! I especially loved the mentioning of the lavender, and I could practically feel Alex's unbearable guilt as if it were my own. Overall, excellent job!
-Ember
Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.
You are STEPPING ON me! I Am EaARth!!
HO. LY. CRAP, Evi.
Like, seriously? Absolutely amazing. I super love this little piece, with all of my heart. That opening line, the way it was all tied together and came back at the end... seriously, you have quite a bit of talent, love. I am super envious. Since I see a lot of people came through to help you edit, I have really only small things to comment on {things that don't even NEED to be changed}. ... I love you, CBF~
This line is perfectly fine on its own, but I think that if you changed 'depression' into something a bit more lyrical {as depression has heavy feelings connected with it, where the rest of this piece is something rather light even though the topic is not} that it would keep up the tone! ^_^ Just a suggestion -- I don't know what might replace it. xD That would be up to you. <3
I think that in order to make this sentence flow a little better, to make it go faster {to kind of fit in with the haste of Alex's cleaning}, you could take out the second 'take away' and change 'but' to 'and'. I'm kind of hesitant on whether you should change 'but' to 'and' though... it depends on if you want the last part of the sentence to fit WITH the first part or to contrast it. -shrugs- Again, your choice. <3
etc~
Okay, the thing that I had with this section was that the first 'Death had' sentences uses 'had' because it's part of the verb tense, while the rest are saying that Death was forcing Alex to do something. Because of that, though all the phrases are 'Death had', the first still doesn't really fit with the rest. You could try switching around that sentence so it doesn't feel like you're trying to parallel it with the other three. ^_^
I. LOVE. THIS. Every song. Oh my gosh. You're my favorite.
I am in awe.
I love this.
<3
Gold star!
-Hannah-
I saw it on the random work piece and decided to review it...I didn't know you had put this up here.
You should let your writing out more often,dear...I'm sure its quite squished somewhere in the corners of your mind and in your computer/journal. You really should let it get some fresh air. Besides...we all love reading it!
I think you spelled repungent wrong
I absolutly love this paragraph because that's how everyone feels when something bad happens...I especially like 'with stupid chirping birds and laughing children'.
I think you missed a 'was' inbetween 'sponge' and 'one'
Overall
I love it! From the first line you had me hooked. I also love the way lavander sorta signifies her essence. You really captured Alex's emotions really well, and you waited to tell us what actually happened to his sister (something I think is always good)
I'll always be open to reviewing anything of yours (because its so mightily awesome)
MV
Hello dear! I just saw that you were sad that Castles wasn't going to be reviewing you because... you know... so I thought I would instead, to try and make up for it
I. NITPICKS
In an attempt. surely?
Pretty sure midday's all one word.
Right so. That was quick and painless.
II. FILL US IN?
You take the time to give him a last name, perhaps you could give his sister a first name? It's a very sad idea, but I just can't wuite connect with him when I don't know anything about her. When did she die? What age was she? And what memories does he have of her? Were they close as children? Flashbacks are always handy in this type of situation. Use them to your advantage.
IV. OVERALL
A cute, sad idea, just needs some fattening up. Good job
Hope I helped, drop me a message if you need anything!
-Stella.
Next time, let me know when it's been edited!
You have totally cleaned this up, and I no longer have nit-picks.
A-Maz-Ing job. You should seriously find a contest to submit it to. This is way too good!
~Rosey
Hey Evi!
Okay, firstly nit-picks (of which there is only one!)
Hmm I'm not so sure about this. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest of his actions. He's scrubbing and busy doing all this stuff and then suddenly he's frozen...and then he's sorting out the bed sheets. It just seems out of place with the rest of his actions. I love the whole idea of the sky being the colour of false happiness though so don't change that! I just think 'frozen' is wrong.
Overall...
I really loved this. You had some fantastic descriptions and portrayed the feelings of the MC really well. Is this just the opening of a larger piece or is it meant to just stand on it's own?
My favourite parts...
Love, love, love it!
You get a gold star!
Sofi.
Here as requested!Let me see if I can go nuts.
Why would it be "safe"?
I'd like to know what happened!
That's it. Wow.
Atmosphere- Very, very well done. My only comment is on the title. It has a hard time fitting with the story. And I like how you arranged it so "Death" was almost always capitalized.
General thing that's bugging me- At first I thought he was cleaning out the memory of an ex live-in girlfriend. Then we find out it's his sister, and she died. But we don't find out how. A car crash? Illness? Tell us what has changed. Also, if he lives at home or not and his age. I thought he was twenty-something.
Overall- I think this could stand be expanded to include a little more about the death and the relationship with his sister. I don't know what direction you could go if you add more parts. I think it would work better as just a stand alone.
That's my two cents. Hope I helped!
If you have any questions, ask me in a PM.
~Rosey
I forgot something
............
..................
............
............
....................
.................
....................
.........................
........................
.........................
................................
...................................
..................................
.................................
.................................
A gold star
xxx
Hey Evi, I'm Kirsten
welcome to YWS 
You were the random piece at the top of the page, so I come faithfully to review
one
I adored this piece, seriously, it was beautiful. You are extremely talented, and you're only twelve, so you've got years and years to improve. xD
Let's see, the opening line:
That really is a wonderful opening sentence. You have no idea how intriguing it is! Immediately a thousand questions bring themselves up in my head <phrased weirdly
two
The dreaded nitpicks? No! I don't think I found any. xD Except maybe:
Capital might be spelt with an 'o' in America.. but I'm from Britain, so I just thought that it might be wrong, but it's probably right, can you tell I'm blabbering on?
three
The wonderful thing about this poem is... everything
You have the perfect balance of showing and telling, you have wonderful imagery, lovely characers even though we've only just met them. What I adore most about the piece is the soft air about it, it's about death, and you could easily go on and depress us, but instead you've used interesting language and expressions. In doing so you've made it much sadder than it would be if Alex was simply mourning his sister.
four
To pick up on my last point, it's wonderful how you've picked up on such a small detail, and wrote a whole short story about it. That makes it much more sad, and I feel so much sorrier <is that a word ?
five
What are you trying to portray through this piece? Well, it's about a depressing subject, but I think it might be about hope. See... the lavender signifies more than lavender, I can tell. It's almost like the lavender is her essence.. floating around the room, and he frees it. He releases it and allows it to go. I love that. This is actually a very well thought out plot, you've managed to do it just right, but more than that, it's beautiful and bittersweet and perfect and... *shall stop going on*
six
Overall this was a great piece. Should you expand it? NO! Don't, I think it would ruin this piece. It's shortness and simplicity add so much to it. I'm definitely interested to read more of your work; but please don't add to this. I love it on it's own.
Great piece, Evi
~Kirsten
xxx
Oh my God. This was absolutely beautiful. Well-written and great raw emotion. Wonderful opening line; it really was a great hook. And the last lines were absolutely brilliant. The firs5t line made you read; the last line made you remember. Just the way a good peice if writing should be. Gold star for you!
Hey Evi!, I'm Angel of Death but yo can me Angel.
I really liked this. It was well written and I can feel Alex's emotions and you're very talented. I didn't see much wrong with this but I'm not that good with grammar and such so another read through wouldn't hurt. You had a lot of lines that hit me in the heart, which is good when starting off stories such like this. Lovely title by the way.
Favorite lines:
This pulled me and I couldn't stop reading!
Really good way to end this and I want more!
So get to writing please, and if and when you post more, please PM me!
Ta,
~Angel