Leave Your Shoes (1)

Evi!

I wanted to return the favour, since you were amazing and reviewed my story! So thanks again!

So, while I was reading this, I came up with some clever things to point out, but now that I've finished, I can't remember them anymore. So probably nothing too serious. I'll try to look for some of them, though.

That was four years ago exactly. Today, I turn fifteen.

As I reach the top of the staircase, I step into Camille’s shoes, which fit now. It makes sense—she was fifteen when she was taken.

His shadowed expression made him look older, but he was eleven, too.

I like to think that the house will be sorry when I’m taken. I’m the only one who ever cleans it.

“Nonsense. I’ve got enough whitening toothpaste for a small country,” he retorts, which is true. When the crops started dying and the smog came, those who evacuated the city took everything they could get their hands on—except toothpaste. We have at least a hundred travel-sized tubes of the stuff stashed somewhere in the basement. I wonder if it’s edible, for when our hunger gets really desperate.

Evi -> It did, but I thought you said at the beginning that Lora was the narrator's older sister. I must have just misread.

Evi, having read a large bit of this before, I just want to say for you to take any comments about pacing with a grain of salt since this is one part of the story and sometimes people don't realize that. xD I think it's very well paced and I don't think the character introduction is odd at all.

What I do remember feeling weird about was the presence of something as specific as a 'white limousine'. Unless there's a specific reason for you to have chosen a limousine, it seems too luxurious and, again, specific. A white car would seem more subtle and it wouldn't stick out as much, though for some reason, vehicles of any kind seem too 'modern' for this story. I know you don't really give a specific time period for it, but for some reason I just feel like it's in a quiet, simple time and at no point did I imagine cars parked next to the houses or anything.

Well, that's just my feeling. If there's a specific reason, then ignore me! I look forward to the rest, and seeing how you finished it, so even if you don't end up submitting it, please post the rest!

P.S. A few awkward phrases:

The watery sunshine in the first section. I know it was meant to illustrate a connection, but it could maybe use a little expansion to be significant enough to not be weird.

wakes up and gets thirsty.

Thank you guys so very much, especially since this was such short notice! I also wish I had submitted this earlier, but I hadn't been sure I'd be able to finish it for the contest. (I'm still not sure, really!)

Elinor-- Camille and the narrator are the actual sisters, not Lora and the narrator. Did that not come across? But I quite like the idea of substituting Lora in the beginning with Graham!

Lava-- I'll try to smooth out some relationships and introduce the water more subtly. Thanks!

Rosey-- I'm hoping to tie those off in the second half. xD It's not entirely written yet, but I'm trying to connect loose ends.

Hey Evi. I'm a sucker for blog plugs, so I'm here. (Maybe a bit late?)

I find you're suffering from the same problem I was suffering from in my recent story, and that there are so many threads started, mostly in the second half, that never really get tied off. To count them:

~ Drought
~ Snatchers (who are they? Why do they take people? Why are they in white?)
~ The code inside the door is important (why? Will anything happen with them?)
~ Some sort of poison in the water (how did it get there?)
~ A big event that caused all but a few to leave (why did your characters stay?)
~ Not having much time because of sweat (can she feel the insanity coming?)

Those last four threads leave me walking away thinking, "Okay, that was interesting, but what's going on?" I can see why there is a "one" in your title— this would need a few more parts to be considered "complete" in my mind. Unless you can managed to wiggle them all in here.

Your story sufficed as a snapshot of time. There's a rather obvious history to this, and there's an almost as obvious continuation to this. I consider this well written, but there are quite a few blanks missing for this to be completely satisfying.

I actually never noticed the character introductions being a bit messy, because of how perfectly this was a snapshot. I could guess almost every character's role, and the introductions are so absent on the part of the MC you can just tell what kind of history they've had together.

Hope this helps! PM me with anything.

~Rosey

Evi!

So, I agree with Elinor on a few points. The character introduction is a little messy. You know, you should've put up this post earlier. Anyway, forgetting that,

I did like the second part better, the one with your narrator. Only thing is, instead of bringing out the issue of water like this glass-of-water-to-drink thing, try to introduce it more subtly. Like something you see outside the house would be good.
And, yes, I'm a little confused as to the relationships.
The "I can’t help but disagree." leaves me a little confused as to the narrator's character.

I'm interested by the snatchings, so I don't hate it. I'd just like to see where it leads.

Good luck!
~Lava

Hi Evi!

So, since you've been so helpful to me for the past few days, I thought I'd return your favor by critiquing this story. Now, I didn't really like it. I skimmed over the article; it's definitely very broad. I can see where you got your ideas from, but because it's so broad, you have to take a lot of liberty in really creating your own story, something I don't think you did.

I want to start by talking about your characters. You have your narrator, Camille, Graham, and Lora. I never really felt a connection to any of them; they were all flat and just seemed to be there. They felt this way because we barely know anything about them. The only way you form a relation between these character is that you say Lora is your narrator's older sister. I don't know how she's related to Camille and Graham. I had a few individual comments about each one.

Narrator: Besides what I already said, I also wanted to add the late introduction of her name is really jarring. In simple, first person stories like yours, you can sometimes pull off not giving your character a name, and she can just be known as the narrator. However, if you're going to give your character one, do it toward the beginning of the story.

Lora: This character doesn't really have much of an impact as I think she was supposed to. Her brief appearance in the story is wasted; you don't give her anything important to say or do. If you leave her out of the story and just mention her, I think it would increase the mystery of the character, and kept us wondering why she's lived for a long time, why she is so wise, etc. Another question I had was regarding the beginning. Why does Lora know what to do? Was she captured by the Snatchers before and escaped?

Camille: I think she could have easily been left out of the story. She doesn't really contribute much, and we don't know anything about her except her name. Because of this, we don't feel sympathy for your narrator. Secondly, when you say that Camille was fifteen, it came as somewhat of a shock to me. I thought she was eleven or twelve from the way you had her scream and cry.

Graham: He's really introduced late in the story, but you act as though we've known him the whole time. Obviously your narrator is going to, but you should still find a way to introduce their relationship. If they're dating, make it obvious by having them hug or kiss and the reader would get the idea without you ever having to mention that they're actually dating. If they're friends, well, mention something like that. What I think you could do is replace the scene with Lora at the beginning with Graham. That way, you could introduce him while getting through the plot point of the shoes. That way, when you get to this scene, you don't have to worry about introducing him.

When things came down to story, my thoughts were so-so. It was somewhat confusing, really. You have the snatchers taking away Camille at the beginning, and then in the second part you don't really expand upon that, but then go to the issue of water without really ever connecting the two and leaving me confused. I'm looking optimistic and I hope that you will be able to wrap everything up adequately in the second part. PM me when it's up, okay?

I wish you best of luck in the contest, and I hope this helps. PM me if you have any further questions.

-Elinor xo