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140,607 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Oui.
You must continue this. (:
So, this is not done.
I completely understand that under the time constraint, you didn't have much time to put together a satisfactory ending, but if I don't see a continuation of this story, Evi, I'll be seriously disappointed.
I want to know why Lora didn't let the snatchers take Amelia then, if she's going so crazy! I want to know if Camille's really alive, because although the MC trusts the snatcher's hazel eyes, I did not share her emotion -- you didn't convince the reader to trust. I don't know if anyone else believed in the happy ending, but I didn't.
I want, too, for you to be able to include the other scene, where they find the water that Lora is hiding. The great part about it is that if I can't trust her brother, then of course we can't trust her, and that's why she has that clean water, and then you can go on to describe what it's like where the snatchers are.
It definitely is a brilliant start to something that could be so much more and I really hope you continue with this, Evi.
Please PM me if you want a more detailed review. I'm sorry, too, that I missed getting comments in before the deadline but I was at work!
I LOVE YOU!
-Hannah-
Okay, so I'm commenting late but I don't care about deadlines, and I really don't think you should care about the 'Extra! Extra!' contest either - though you didn't hear that from me.
And that's because I WANNA SEE THIS AS A FULL-BLOWN NOVEL, EVI!!!
Contests, word counts and dealines aside, this is what I'd say would be the first two chapters to a thriller/mystery YA sci fi novel. Lots of genres in one, I know, but you've melted them seamlessly together. I noticed other people had questions for you from the first chapter, but I'd have to agree with Hannah here - I coped perfectly fine with the story and the pace, and the rate at which you revealed certain details about the setting and context, so I wouldn't change it at all. I guess that was because I didn't go into it thinking 'this is going to be a complete piece' - but I liked how you slipped in nuggets of details throughout, and well-spaced.
I see this as mainly plot driven right now, and less character driven, which is why I liked the fact that it was fast-paced, but also noticed that I didn't really know the characters much at all. But since this is the first few chapters (and yes, now I'm hell-bent on seeing this as at least a novella), that's understandable, and I expect that I will come to understand them more from their actions than their thoughts (at the end).
Oh, and in case you're wondering, I actually haven't read the newspaper article at all that you gleaned the idea from - but you'll be pleased to know I figured it out rather quick in any case!
Anyway, a great read, and I WANT TO SEE MORE.
PM me whenever you continue on with this, and I'll do more thorough reviews. I just dropped by since I saw this was finally posted.
Hello Evi!
This sentence is a little weird. It sticks out and breaks the flow you've been maintaining. I would say maybe remove the whispering bit.I'm not sure if the deadline's done or not.
Well, I'm up again, and I'll look at this. Everyone's done a good thorough reviewing so I'll post a few of my nit picks.
Shouldn't it be 'at'?
This would sound better if you made it just "I know" and it continues into the next sentence.
If you reverse the order of sentences it would give a better emphasis on what Lora said. Consider that.
Okay, so this part is tons better than he other. I loved it. Great work of playing with emotions and the theme.
~Lava
Hey Evi!
What's up? I'm going to do what I did for Demeter and do a line-by-line critique of this and then give my general thoughts at the end, alright? It'll be quicker and I'll still be able to get a lot said.
This sentence is kind of a mouthful to take in. Try to break it up a bit.
This seems a little late to be mentioned now. The toothpaste isn't really that important, so chances are the reader is going to forget about that by now. You might want to put these thoughts next to when you first mention the toothpaste.
I love this sentence. It's got such fabulous description. However, you might want to break up the part after the comma into its own sentence so it doesn't feel so run-on like.
I don't really like this sentence. It might have been good in a third-person story, but this just doesn't really seem like something that your narrator would actually be thinking. She's desperate for water and she's going to do what she needs to do and isn't going to complain about it. Also, it seems like you're just inserting what the reader is automatically be thinking after they read the first couple of sentences in this part.
Why do they? If it's old, and there still is food left, I doubt that any of it is going to be good. Or is it just somewhat of a hangout for them? Expand.
This is somewhat redundant. Automatic doors are always going to be closed unless someone opens. Besides, if the narrator and Graham have to pry them open, I think we can assume that they'll be closed.
I'm going to stop here for a minute. I've read the next couple of paragraphs and I'm beginning to wonder how old the grocery store is. For being "ruined" it still seems to be in pretty good shape. Right now I'm thinking it's maybe 10-20 years old? You might want to clear things up, because at first I thought it was old, like 75-100 years or so.
I really like this exchange of dialogue. It's powerful and it seems like a realistic conversation that two people would have. What I think you could do is give us more of the narrator's thoughts during this. I've been in a similar situation of discomfort like this, but still, you might want to try and make her and the situation she's in a little bit more relate-able.
I thought the snatchers only took fifteen year olds? Or have I misread something?
I think you might want to re-word this part. I know what you're talking about but it made me stop when reading it because I thought Camille was there.
This part seems very tell-y. One can be insane in a lot of different ways, and a lot of times it's used jokingly, so try to explain more about this character and how exactly she's insane.
Helpfully? Sounds like the opposite to me. I can understand what you're trying to say. It would make a little more sense if you chop off the last bit and have Graham reply to her comment with, "Oh, that helps." You'd still stay the same thing.
This is another really good part. I think adds to the mysterious character of Lora and helps create something creepy and shows that this character and her house both have a definite history.
Can you find something else to say for this part? "Grown man" seems like something parents would use to a little boy when chastising him. If you just say "man" we'll know he's an adult. Maybe go more into the details of his appearance. Is he muscular? Intimidating?
It would build some suspense if you give her a bit of struggle. Maybe he actually latches on to her hand but she's able to break free.
Hmm, severe doesn't really sound right. It seems more something that you would use to describe an action (e.g. the boy had a severe punishment). Maybe brutal would be better?
If this is true, I'm wondering why someone like a snatcher, would try to tell her that. He works for the government, and if they keep them alive, I'm sure that they won't want any revenge-ridden siblings or friends to come after and free them.
This what? Snatcher? I think that's a typo.
Now, I'm going to stop right here and give my general thoughts on the piece! Overall, excellent. I felt like you tied up a lot of loose ends that arose in the first part, like with Lora knowing what to do when the snatchers came to get you. I thought that the ending was nice; you know those movies where pivotal scenes take place with little to know sounds? That's kind of what this felt like.
It was a ton more realistic and I could really sense a bond between Graham and your narrator. The scenes that they argued felt like actual things their characters would say as opposed to bits of dialogue that are just there to move the story along, you know? The pace was just perfect that I could easily follow everything that was going on.
I don't know if you've seen Shutter Island, but it's an awesome movie with a great twist ending, just like this story. I like how you leave it up to interpretation at the end- making us think one way but never actually telling us whether it's true or not. I can see this really getting somewhere. Even if you don't win the contest [I'd be really surprised if you didn't!] continue on with this story. Maybe expand it into a novella or one of those short stories that our like twenty pages long. Once you revise the first half and fix the little things I've mentioned here, I'd like to read it.
I wish you the best of luck in the contest! I'll be curious to hear the results! PM me if you have any further questions.
-Elinor xo
Evvvi!
One nit-pick:
New paragraph for "I turn to him in shock."
So you've left me with most of my threads answered. The only one is "what happened before?" but I'm not sure how prominent it is now. But, yeah, it's a little nagging thing in the back of my head and I'm not sure if it's fixable in the span you have.
Where the flashlight got batteries I'm not sure of. Clear that up, maybe?
A weakness in here is the backyard. You spend time on the ivy, but nothing on trying to get through the plants of fend off wasps.
I'd try to smooth out the "I have no reason to doubt Lora" telling. Explain that a bit more, because it sounds like something the MC just said to reassure us instead of saying that to reassure herself. Put in more a reason why she wouldn't have to doubt Lora instead of flat out saying she has no reason to doubt her.
And the fact the snatcher is her brother didn't surprise me. As soon as you mentioned their eyes were the same colour I guessed. The quickest fix would be neglecting to mention Lora has hazel eyes.
The dialogue at the end, when the MC is talking, felt forced. Like you're trying to cram in all the backhistory into the last few lines of dialogue.
You also didn't explain why sweat forming on her back would be a sign for not having much time. That's chipping away at the transition to this segment. I'd suggest making that transition smoother.
Overall I think it's a pretty well written piece! I liked the dialogue (for the most part) and the way everything's structured. The parents leaving kids thing reminds me of some historical fiction that I've read, so props on that.
PM me if you have any questions. ^_^
~Rosey