The only sound that could be heard was the faint whoosh of a spinning fan and the soft beating of a heart. The air was thick with heat, creating little pearls of sweat that streaked down Sabbatha’s face like tears. She wiped the salty droplets from her forehead, watching the world turn before her through the open window. Her eyes closed in the blissful reminder that the world was happy, even if she wasn’t. That brought hope. Hope for the future.
Nathanial had told her that hope was dangerous, that hope was a demon. Hope’s only purpose was to fill peoples' minds with ideas of freedom and a future that holds untold riches. A future that doesn’t exist. Hope brought people up, and then shattered them. Leaving them with nothing but disappointment and debt. Sabbatha thought differently. Even if it might create disappointment, hope also helped people through trying times. Which is more than regret, hatred or violence ever did.
The sun suddenly burst into the window, blinding her slightly. She brought her delicate hand up to shield her face from the sudden heat wave. Her eyes snapped shut, cutting out the wonderful view of the busy California street below her. The murmured sounds of laughter and the clicking of cameras brought the feeling of safety and normalcy. Something she wished she still had.
There was a soft knock at the door, and Sabbatha turned towards it. She jumped and her panicked hand went straight for the gun on the rickety wooden side table. Her heart was no longer beating softly, but was threatening to break her ribs and jump out of her chest. Her throat closed as she slowly cocked the gun like Nathanial had shown her. Her hands shook as she brought the gun up to the intruder.
I can’t kill anyone. I can’t do it.
Stop this, your a Darrow now. You need to act like one. You will kill if you need too, if Nathanial needs you too.
Her love for Nathanial was never ending, she would die for him and most importantly, she would kill for him. He wasn't here through, he was in Budapest fighting for something. He never told Sabbatha what he did when he left her, and she didn't want to know. She remembered his explicit instructions. No one should be coming into that Motel Room, you see, you shoot.
Light spilled through the open door and Sabbatha’s breath came in panicked gasps. She closed her eyes for a second, focusing on the gun in front of her.
You can do this Darrow. You can do this.
A sharp gasp of breath and Sabbatha opened her unfocused eyes. She squeezed the cold trigger and watched as the bullet flew from the gun with unbelievable strength. The small torpedo flew through the air and hit her lover's chest.
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138,374 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
Hey there, Evens, Ita here to review.
I'll second what Mia said, that's a very awesome paragraph indeed. However, after 'shattered them', you could get rid of the period and substitute it with a comma, that way it's more unified and flows better.
Same here, after 'trying times', insert a comma. Wordflow, you see? /nazi
That's a liiiitle bit cliche, isn't it? Oh well. Also, nit-pick: 'A sharp gasp of breath'... what's the point of adding 'breath'? You really don't gasp much else xD
Keep it up, I love your writing style
Hope this helped,
~Ita
#RedTeam
Hey Lily! :3
Nice line!How 'bout 'hard' times? Or 'tough' times?
I likeY!
You're not your.
All these 'too's' need to be 'to'.
Brilliant. I likey this one hundred percent. At first, I wasn't too much into it. I think that was because you started off with descriptions. I have this rule to never start a story with descriptions because beginning is the time to attract your readers, to draw them in, but if you start with descriptions, 50% of them would doze off. Mostly because not many people are a fan of descriptions and they like some thought or actions in the beginning. Anyways, it's not a big thing-you can change the start or keep it this way. The story still remains awesome.
Your writing style was nice. You showed us repeatedly how much Nathaniel had influenced her and how his thoughts kept circling her head. This was nice. But the one thing I want to know is what you mean exactly by Darrow? At first, I thought it was some assassination group or something belonging to fantasy but then my thought swayed to a surname. Was Nathaniel's surname Darrow? If so, then that means Sabbatha was his wife now but why did you mention in the end 'shot her lover'?
Anyways, I liked this and there isn't much I'd like to pin point. But why did she kill him? Or why did he want her to kill anyone who came into the motel room? And was she there in the motel room? If she was, you could use that fact to describe the surroundings around her.
Sign out!
Mia
Hmm. I thought it was going to be a little cliche, killing for the lover, but the ending surprised me and justified the parts that were a bit overdone. But why wasn't she happy at the beginning? Had something bad happened yet? You didn't make it sound like something had. I would think from the rest that her mood would be more nervous, guilty, and maybe a slight sense of forboding, but not outright sadness without hope. That was the only part that seemed off for me-The rest, the heat and the longing for normalcy and the love of Nathaniel were pulled off well and added to the mood. I hadn't expected the ending, so you did well if one of your aims was to keep readers in the dark about it. All in all, a good read but a lighter touch might be good. Some details from the world around her, you know, five senses and everything, would help to make it more real, since the constant stream of her thoughts is a bit surreal.
Thanks so much for the comment! I'll re-look everything
Hello! Roxy here
A really nice piece, Id love if there was more though because I want to know more!!
Saying that, theres one or two small things that could make it even better!
. "Hope brought people up, and then shattered them. Leaving them with nothing but disappointment and debt" This should probably only be one sentence because the second sentence doesnt make sense on its own
"There was a soft knock at the door, and Sabbatha turned towards it. She jumped and her panicked hand went straight for the gun..." I think it would be better if she jumped at the knock of the door and not after she turned toward it
And Im not too fond of the end line
But I love your descriptions!
Come back to me with your other pieces,Id love to read them!
--Roxy
Thank you Roxy! xxx - I'll keep it all in mind! xx
The imagery was very good, and I enjoyed reading it. It is well descriptive. But the "oops sorry. Wrong person." in my opinion ruined the the ending for me.
Okay, thank you! - I'll re-look the last line