Off To The Races

by EvensLily

Published April 20, 2012

In Short Stories

Little Maggie James had no idea what she was getting into when she narrowed her muddy eyes through the hole in the fence. She squatted down on her knees, the mud squelched on her bagged trousers. She put her hand though her straggly brown hair, the mud from her fingers latching onto her hair. 

She used to love this place. The race track. She used to go with her parent’s all the time. She would get all dressed up and, if she was lucky, her mother would let her try some of her perfume. Maggie would put on her favorite blue hat with the feathers and would watch her father and his horse, Miss James, win every race.

That was gone though, the innocent days of childhood. She wasn’t even sure where her blue hat was, it was probably destroyed like everything else. Everything changed when the infection spread through the genes of Man Kind.  Everyone was dead now, only a few still survived.

They had learned the hard way to hunt and survive, just like Maggie James.

When she spotted the gap in the fence and went to investigate. Even with her jock genes, she was too tall to get into the hole. She brought her foot up instead and kicked. The fence rattled and mud from her shoe hit her face. She wiped it from her face and kicked harder at the fence’s weak spot. The fence had crumpled by the third kick. Maggie moved her wiry brown hair from her face and looked at her work with approval before she stepped over the broken pieces of wood.

The one thing that thrived when the humans left; the plants. They were everywhere; they were infecting the planet as much as the damned infection. Maggie almost had to march through the mud and flowers before she could get to the race track.

You wouldn’t have been able to recognize Maggie if you had known her as a child. As a child Maggie had enjoyed giggling, it had been one of her favorite pass times, that and scrabble. Maggie James hadn’t giggled in over 6 months. She burned her scrabble box last week in a bonfire. She had decided her old life was behind her.

 She burnt her mother’s wedding dress and had danced around it as it crumpled into nothing.

She took the gun from her belt and held it tightly in her cold hands; this was part of the ritual.

She was going to burn down the race track too.

She finally reached the track and jumped over the bushes separating it from the normal ground. Not that it was any different; it was still as overgrown and under kept as the grass on the other side. Now anyway. The grass was dryer here, and less muddy. Perfect for a fire. 

She looked up at the stands and narrowed her eyes as she saw something she recognized. Her heart was beating out of her chest as she moved her way forward and to the stairs leading to the seating area. The whole place was dilapidated; it hurt her heart to see her favourite place so run down and unhappy. It was going to be even harder when it was in flames.  

As she ran up the stands she could almost see they people she had loved most sitting around her. Her mother was buying hot dogs from the hot dog stand. She could see Stan, her old best friend sitting beside her at the very top of the stands. She could see old Mr. Pritchard smiling into the sun. Miss Mary Adams, the loveliest girl in the whole of the world sitting beside him. She could even see her old primary school teacher; Miss Nephew.

They were all dead now.

She could see the world turning as it should. She found herself holding onto the cold metal banister. The sun was hot on her back as she slipped. Looking at the recognized item, she crawled up the last of the steps, all her strength gone.

Reaching forward she looked at the doll. The doll Stan used to own. He had loved that doll; he had been such a beautiful little boy. Little blue eyes, blond hair and a big grin. He grew up to be killed during a massacre two weeks ago. His heart pulled out of his chest, Maggie had held his hand while he died.

She felt tears prickle and escape her eyes as she looked at it. She held it in her arms and rocked herself slowly as she cried. The doll hugged her back, well, she thought it did. Her heart broke in her chest as she looked up at the sun.

“Is this what you wanted, huh?” She screamed,“Watch while I burn!” She shrieked at the god she had once worshiped. Nature had won, she couldn’t live anymore.

She got out the lighter and threw it at the dry grass below. It burst into flames quickly. She watched as it danced before her. It slowly crept to her like a thief in the night. She flew down to the floor, her legs giving out. She cradled the doll in her arms as if it was a child.

It didn’t take long for the fire to reach her.

It did however, take a long time for the fire to creep through her veins and set her alight. She held the doll tighter as her thin bones couldn’t fight the pain. She screamed at the sun, looking at it as Stan’s name pierced her lips. The pain stopped suddenly as she fell back onto the cold surface of the floor.

She pulled the doll closer to her as she turned to ash. 

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Lauren2010
Review
Lauren2010 wrote a review Review · May 11, 2012

Hey EvensLily! Lauren here for a review!

Let's get to it, then!

Little Maggie James had no idea what she was getting into when she narrowed her muddy eyes through the hole in the fence. She squatted down on her knees, the mud squelched on her bagged trousers. She put her hand though her straggly brown hair, the mud from her fingers latching onto her hair.

The thing that sticks out to me here is: muddy, mud, mud. Exactly how muddy is this girl? What I'm really going for, here, is you don't need to mention the mud so many times. Once, maybe twice is adequate. Just enough to establish she's sitting in the mud and looking through a hole in the fence. ;)

That was gone though, the innocent days of childhood.

How far gone? This has me wondering exactly how Little our Little Maggie James is. When she talks about her days at the race track with her mother, that Maggie sounds like she was quite young (five or six?). But this Maggie sounds much older, much more cognizant of what is going on around her and that things have drastically changed. This is something most young children are unable to do.

Everything changed when the infection spread through the genes of Man Kind. Everyone was dead now, only a few still survived.

Whew! This is quite the sudden reveal of information that was not hinted at nearly at all before this. Now, a Big Sudden Reveal isn't a bad thing to do, it can work very well! But here, a sort of supervirus killing the human race stands out massively against the tone/style of the story we have received so far. Here, the Big Sudden Reveal is almost too Big and too Sudden.

What might make this work a little more in your favor is simply taking time to hint at it more. Show Maggie as a more worn-down character, and the world around her as more "destroyed". I'm assuming she's been on her own, or relatively on her own, since the infection began/killed her parents. She'd probably be hungry, her clothes would be old/dirty/torn. She might not have shoes. The race track she's watching might be falling to pieces, or have been scavenged for materials for temporary housing (depending on the extent of the impact of the infection). It doesn't have to be outright, but showing that something is Widely Not Right with the world will allow the reader to buy into the Big Sudden Reveal of the infection.

Even with her jock genes, she was too tall to get into the hole.

I understand what you mean by jock genes?

The one thing that thrived when the humans left; the plants.
1. I usually try to stay away from grammar nitpicks, but the construction of this sentence isn't quite right. Really, it's just missing a word or two. Try something like:
The one thing that thrived when the humans left were the plants.
And there you go!
2. Why did the plants thrive? Was there something about the infection, or a treatment for the infection, that accelerated plant growth? This seems to be a large part of the world as it is now, so some sort of explanation is really going to benefit the reader, and allow them to make much deeper connections and have much more understanding of the story and Maggie.

Maggie almost had to march through the mud and flowers before she could get to the race track.

I just wanted to say, there's something darkly beautiful that what covers the world after this mass supervirus infection are fields and fields of flowers. I'd love to see you make more use of that!

As a child Maggie had enjoyed giggling, it had been one of her favorite pass times, that and scrabble. Maggie James hadn’t giggled in over 6 months. She burned her scrabble box last week in a bonfire. She had decided her old life was behind her.

Continuing with things I love, I adore this bit of description. It perfectly sums up the change that has obviously happened to Maggie. So well, in fact, you don't even need that last line: "She had decided her old life was behind her". The rest of this passage perfectly expresses that, without outright saying it, which always makes it better. ;)

She burnt her mother’s wedding dress and had danced around it as it crumpled into nothing.

Okay, I'm on board with the burning of things (even the burning of the race track, to an extent, but I'll get to that in a moment), but why her mother's wedding dress? What connection does Maggie have to the wedding dress? If she's burning her bridges, so to speak, to the past then why would she choose a wedding dress that had nothing to do with her?

He grew up to be killed during a massacre two weeks ago. His heart pulled out of his chest, Maggie had held his hand while he died.

A massacre? That involves pulling hearts out of chests? What exactly happened to the world after this infection? Did people riot? Did treatments turn them into "zombies" or killers of some sort? Just another thing the reader could stand to have some more information about, like I said earlier ;)

It did however, take a long time for the fire to creep through her veins and set her alight.

This line broke the flow of the story for me. Everything before it was so well knit together that this came and it just broke that sort of stylistic flow.

The pain stopped suddenly as she fell back onto the cold surface of the floor.

She pulled the doll closer to her as she turned to ash.

When someone burns alive, I imagine it's a rather quick death. Fire isn't exactly slow, especially when it's caught something comparably small - like a human - in flames. Maggie may have a few moments to scream out in pain, but pretty soon her body would shut itself off. The human body is pretty grand like that. It'll do pretty much anything to protect itself from pain/injury. Even shut down.

That being said, I do like the last line. Maybe cut it down to as she's screaming and the fire is beginning to engulf her clothes, she pulls the doll closer to her (in other words, the last line as you have it).

Now, on to that race track thing I mentioned earlier.
She was going to burn down the race track too.

My main problem with this is a problem of motivation. What is motivating Maggie to kill herself this way, compared to any other way she could kill herself? What is motivating Maggie to kill herself at all? Is it the loss of her friend Stan? The loss of everyone she knows? General hopelessness? I can buy into a reason for suicide, so long as one is given, if that makes sense? At the beginning, I don't get a sense that Maggie is hopeless. You don't kill yourself unless you're hopeless. But that can be easily fixed by adding in a few details.

Then, the big one. Why is she killing herself by fire, at the race track? I get the burning bridges thing she had going on earlier, but this is huge. What if she couldn't get the whole place to catch? I'm assuming the stands are stone or metal, which takes a lot of heat to burn. Not just a lighter in some dry grass. She'd have to wait a long time for the fire to get to her, in which she could definitely change her mind and then be stuck in a huge panicked painful terrible death. She had a gun, after all, she could kill herself easily and quickly that way.

But what is, and has to be, special about Maggie is she has this connection to the race track and an obsession with burning bridges. Or maybe, she's been contemplating suicide for a long time and burning things are those "warning signs" she's showing herself (people contemplating suicide are often known to give away, or destroy, their possessions). In her desolation and depression, this could - mentally - be the Optimal Way to end her time on earth. But as readers, we need to see some of this motivation to better understand Maggie and her story.

In fact, don't be afraid to slow down and take time to explore her life and her motivations for suicide. Throw in some flashbacks. Show us some of her journey since the infection. Or at the very least, show us her wandering around the race track - a place she's loved deeply - before she starts to burn it. Maybe she remembers happy things from her childhood which just further solidify her desire to die because she knows she can't get it back.

Anyway, I'm just rambling on now. Overall, I enjoyed this piece and think it has a lot of potential if Maggie and her motivations are further explored. You have a very nice writing style and sense of description that made this story easy and pleasant to read. I have no doubt you could make it even better!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

Oh goodness, I have no idea what happened with all those quotes there in the middle. xD Hopefully you can decipher what's supposed to be quoted and what's my rambling.

Thanks soo much for the great Review! xxx xx :)

User avatar
Skydreamer
Comment
Skydreamer commented Comment · Apr 21, 2012

This gave a whole lot of suspense, it is a good suspense story and is actually a little scary, at least for me :P.

Of course I love the intensity of your writing and this definitely showcased the intensity and the descriptive language you own!

So way to go, and PLEASE keep writing :D

Thank you xxx

User avatar
apple96
Review
apple96 wrote a review Review · Apr 20, 2012

Hey,

I really liked this piece and found that it was well written. I can't find many faults with it actually. However there was one which stuck out to me and got me slightly confused until I read on.


'The one thing that thrived when the humans left; the pants. They were everywhere'

Know I was a little freaked out because this suggested that pants were thriving and for some reason seemed to be alive. It was only when I read on that I realised this probably should have said plants because that makes alot more sense. XD

- apple96

OMG - Yeah, kinda funny! Thanks a lot <3



Some people file their [tax] returns inside of a dead fish.
— John Oliver