Pieces of Time

Hey guys I got third place in the contest! Yay!

Hi there! Sorry this took me a couple of days to get to but here I am Right! First off, I like your title. It's simple but interesting and it fits with the poem nicely so no problems there. However, I think the flow of your poem needs some work. At the moment you have a lot of beautiful imagery but it's too disjointed and there's not enough tone to the piece. Tone is where you find the emotion and the poetic voice and it's lacking a little here. I'll see if I can give some tips as I work through it a line at a time...

An ocean of overwhelming violet, [Okay so this first line is a fragment and passive. It's not a statement, there isn't action and in all honesty it's one of your weaker images. I don't like the use of overwhelming. It's a long word which makes flow difficulty and doesn't add any real feeling to the poem. Too much of that telling over showing. If you want to make the reader feel that the violet is overwhelming, flood your first few lines with the image of it.]
Petals dusted across the starry plains. [I like petals dusted. That's nice. I don't like starry plains though. It's not original enough and 'starry' is just generally over-used.]
Bottomless sapphire above our heads, [Another fragment and I fail to see the link between these images. You need to make them flow into one another more.]
Slivers of moonlight create flickering shadows
In incessant ecstasy of true friendship. [Too much of a mouthful. If you want any flow at all, you'll replace incessant and ectasy. Or you can maybe keep one but certainly not both.]

Mottled splatters of paint strokes [Again, a passive start to your stanza. There needs to be more tone and more aggression. For example, 'Strokes of paint; splatters/ And the delicate cobwebs dwindle, die/ In a litter of cinders'.]
Make the delicate cobwebs hang dwindling.
They die away in a litter of cinders,
Lustrous, shimmering residue cascading the earth [Too many descriptions. Choose which you use carefully and remember, every word should count in a poem. If a word isn't holding its weight, cut it.]
Flames flickering serenely in the dusk. [I like the alliteration. I like the serenely. However, flames and dusk... I think you could be a little more creative.]

Blissful tunes packed with withdrawn faces
Flushing at the proposal of a dance.
In the eternal shade of reminiscence, [Too flowery.]
The clock will ceaselessly tick illustrating [More punctuation. Comma before illustrating. Ceaselessly isn't the best choice of word.]
Aggravating time shattered to countless pieces. [Shatters suggests countless pieces and vice versa. Also, aggravating breaks the flow and shatters is just... not generally great. Maybe 'How time unravels like a spool of thread.' Except you can be more original of course ^^]

Their faces are an indistinguishable façade [You need punctuation at the end of this line.]
Malicious glints unseen to the naked eye.
Plunge blindly into their obscure trap,
One lone pair can look past
Their visor of slander and false smiles. [A little wordy and again fragmented but I like visor. Good word.]

Seal your eyes to their antics [Sometimes you shouldn't use a word of high register when a common one will do. Close would be better than seal. It makes your voice sound more colloquial, more friendly. It's easier for a reader to get on with/ drawn into a colloquial tone.]
For a single phrase that is mistaken,
Can possibly put us in the wrong.
Let pass their insufferable immaturity,
For despite them, we will everlastingly be equals. [Everlastingly isn't a great word. It would be more powerful to state: 'For despite them, we are equals.']

Absolutely fantastic imagery! Very emotional and a true sentimental poem (Though not in the usual sense). I love the layout you chose (most people, myself included, just keep the poem on the right side of the page without bothering to change the layout) That's why I liked that you centered it. For some reason, this helped me enjoy the poem better (not a clue why).
I guess it just caught my interest.

Well done!

Forever write! It's the best way to get out what you need to say.

-Makayla

Well, it looks like Moon beat me to a full, comprehensive review, so this shouldn't be too long.

SweetMoments wrote:

An ocean of overwhelming violet,
Petals dusted across the starry plains. Great imagery in these first two lines.
Profound sapphire above our heads, This line does not seem to fit with the rhythm. Also, I'm not sure I like your use of "profound."
Slivers of moonlight create flickering shadows Again, does not seem to fit with the rhythm.
In incessant ecstasy of true friendship. Good. Very emotional.

Mottled splatters of paint strokes
Make the delicate cobwebs hang dwindling. I like the imagery here.
They die away in speckles of cinders, Not sure I like "speckles."
Lustrous, shimmering residue cascading to earth How about instead of "to" you say "the."
Flames flickering serenely in the dusk.

Blissful tunes packed with bashful faces I don't know about "bashful."
Flushing at the proposal of a dance.
In the eternal shade of reminiscence,
My ceaselessly ticking stopwatch, This line breaks the rhythm.
Aggravating time shattered to countless pieces.

Their faces are an indistinguishable façade, Excellent.
Malicious glints unseen to the naked eye Even more excellent.
Merely observed without rightly seeing. I don't know about this line. The rhythm is fine, but after the beauty of the previous lines, this sounds (forgive me) pretty pathetic.
One lone pair can look past
Their paper thin masks which they smirk behind. I am positive that you are able to write more colorful imagery for this line.

Seal your eyes to their antics,
For a single phrase that is mistaken
Can possibly put us in the wrong.
Never mind, since in these pieces of time Rework this line. I just don't like the wording.
And beyond we will everlastingly be equals.

Good job, very strong imagery. Maybe even a tiny bit too much, since it get a bit muddled in a few of the stanzas. To start, I really like the theme of the poem, since its very obscure, but painted very clearly for the reader in the title and the words of the poem. Yet it still is obscure. Very good, I like it.
If you want advice on improvment on this poem, you can take mine or not, but here it is:

Petals dusted across the star sprinkled plains,

Mottled splatters of paint strokes,

Make the cobwebs hang dwindling,

SweetMoments wrote:

An ocean of overwhelming violet,
Petals dusted across the star sprinkled plains,
Profound sapphire above our heads,
Slivers of moonlight create flickering shadows,
In incessant ecstasy of true friendship.