Lone Sullen

by Eniarrol
  • December 7, 2010
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic
  • Poems
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I'm a flickering light,
Now an unknown shadow,
No one around to hear my sorrow

Fragile as glass,
About to break,
No one there to see my face

In darkened alleys,
I lie in wait,
For someone who will fear...
For me.

Comments & reviews · 6
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Tigersprite
Review
Tigersprite wrote a review · Mon Dec 13, 2010 7:58 pm

Tiger here to review. Sorry for the lateness in getting to this, I've been slightly busy. ;) Comments will be in bold.

SweetMoments wrote:I'm a flickering light
An unknown shadow, These two sentences contrast each other. A flickering light? Poetically that suggests that sometimes the narrator is okay, and then gets depressed/down/ has trouble. But then they say they are an unknown shadow. That means that their life is permanently in darkness, that there is no hope, etc. and this directly goes against a flickering light. Maybe you could say: I was a flickering light/ Now an unknown shadow
No one around to hear my sorrow

Fragile as glass,
About to break,
No one there to see my face

In darkened alleys,
I lie andin wait,
For someone who will fear...
For me. These two sentences not only break the flow of the story, but go out of the pattern that was No one... Neither do they really make sense. It would be better if you finished this stanza talking about someone who would save the narrator/ notice the narrator/ do the narrator a kindness or something along those lines.


All in all, this isn't bad. The best part about it is the middle though. What I think you could do is clear up the start and the end a bit, and I also feel that this poem could have gone on for longer, maybe almost becoming a dirge or a poem of lament about the darkness and loneliness the narrator is feeling. I certainly think it could have been carried on for perhaps three more stanzas, at the very least. There are a lot of emotions you can still get out, and a lot of imagery that can still be used to enhance this (although you do have some good imagery, especially in the middle stanza). But for what you have written, you've tried. So great job, and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger

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Emmzziee
Comment
Emmzziee commented · Sun Dec 12, 2010 11:27 am

This is beautiful!
So emotive :) xxx

User avatar
SilentRain
Review
SilentRain wrote a review · Thu Dec 09, 2010 3:40 am

Hello!!! This is good, I think you should add more onto it though.

I lie #BF0000 ">in wait, #FF0000 "><< Should be "and"


For someone who will fear
#FF0000 ">Having these two lines seperated is really awkward, I would say to connect them...
For me.


I think you should go on to say how you got that way. Say something about how it feels to be like this.

Good luck!

~Rain~

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CuteJackRussell
Comment
CuteJackRussell commented · Thu Dec 09, 2010 3:27 am

This great defiantly something to be proud of!
You should make it longer because i want to read more of this stuff!
Well done <3

Random avatar
lilgreendots
Review
lilgreendots wrote a review · Tue Dec 07, 2010 5:41 am

SweetMoments wrote:I'm a flickering light,
A unknown shadow,
No one around to hear my sorrow

Fragile as glass,
About to break,
No one there to see my face

In darkened alleys,
I lie in wait,
For someone who will fear

For me.


Hey Sweetmoments,

There were two grammatical errors which were on the 2nd line and the last stanza:

A unknown shadow is suppose to be

An uknown shadow

Also:

Is

I lie in wait suppose to be

I lie and wait

This was a short sweet poem that was enjoyable to read. The second and third stanza were easy to grasp, but I'm still a little confused about the first stanza. I was also confused about the last line. Why "For me". Other than that it was a great poem and I loved how you wrote it with the rhyming. Hope I could help!


-lilgreendots <3



You are not the voice in your mind, but the one who is aware of it.
— Eckhart Tolle