Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Airplanes: War airplanes soaring through the air and jets sonic booming. People ran though the streets screaming and frightened shouts. A young girl, age five, is standing in the front door. Clutching her favorite homemade doll in her right hand and biting the other. People were carrying crying children and fleeing for their lives. The guns of the enemies seized.

Quiet. It was like an emotion never felt; a talent unexpressed. The girls’ parents joined her at the door to see the events. On the young girls face, a weak smile grew and she recklessly ran into the streets. The guns sounded. The girl screamed. A young boy, who was about age ten, saw the girl and ran to her. Picked her up and raced her back to her family and joined them in their basement. They huddled in the darkest corner of their basement waiting, hoping, for the noise to end. The girl looked at the boy, whose face was covered by a shadow, and he looked at her. The basement was dark and the family huddled in the darkest corner with the enemy’s guns blasting loud noises. Then it happened.

The bomb dropped from the carrier plane and landed in the middle of the street a couple miles away. Her mom peered out of the window and the rushed back to her family. They all squeezed each another and the girl buried her face in the boy's arm. With a strong blast the sound of a million stampeding elephants with millions of screams, the towns lit up, in fire and smoke! The girl opened her eyes and was deceived. Half of her basement was blown apart, but at least she and her family, and the boy were all well and safe with her in the darkest corner of her basement.

Many days after the bomb struck the girl was allowed outside, as long as she stayed near her house, and was with the boy. They were told the best hiding places, incase they couldn't make it home. One day the boy and girl were frolicking in the valley when all of a sudden the boy picked up a daisy and handed it to the girl. She sniffed it. It smelled so peaceful and was very lovely. She loved the smell and she loved the boy. She gave him a hug and then they went home.

Hello there.

Popping in to give you a review that took a very long time in arriving.

First off, I think that this felt very robotic and retracted from the actual scene. Even at the beginning, the sentences feel much too abrupt and short to really spark a connection with a reader unless they can see past that and still feel pity for the apparent victims of a bombing. Even having kids in this doesn't really spark anything in me because I know nothing of these people. All I can tell is people are dying, the girl is kinda dumb because she runs closer to the bombs, and the boy is cool cause he saved her.

Which, okay. But what else? Is this supposed to be based on WW2? Another war? Completely fictional and you just wanted to draw some sympathetic tears for unnamed characters? To each their own, I guess, but I find that a little lame if that's what your goal was. I want some other details, even if that's just with some names and maybe a before and after scene, or just something. War stories can be written decently or poorly, and this one lands itself in the latter because there really isn't much here.

My first piece of advice officially is to give these characters personalities, and if that takes making them a little to better illustrate that, then great. Maybe have an older girl try to rescue a kid instead, as I think the threat of losing a sibling can be a shared fear by readers. My second one would be to make this from the perspective of anyone besides an outside narrator who could be watching this on a television screen.

That's it for now. Happy RevMo.

I know I am.

sam you are sick...

And yes I will try and continute if ater I have finished with something else...

Its good, but short, I would of loved to hear more of it, keep it up! PLEASE! Oh, and tell us what happens next!

HAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!

One day the boy and girl were frolicking in the valley when all of a sudden the boy picked up a daisy and handed it to the girl. She sniffed it. It smelled so peaceful and was very lovely. She loved the smell and she loved the boy. She gave him a hug and then they went home.